Posted by: cousinbrandon | August 17, 2009

5-7-5: A Compilation of Old Twitter Haiku

So ever since I started Twittering, I’ve taken it upon myself to write at least one haiku per day. Why? Who the hell knows. I guess it started back in Cousin Dave’s Adam Carolla days, when Mark the Poet and I would go head-to-head in our “limerick wars” and I’d emasculate him on a regular basis. Anyway, I started writing the occasional sports-related haiku, and I suppose I never looked back. With that, here’s a complete listing of every haiku I’ve Tweeted since July 21, 2009 and up through today, with the first haiku entitled, appropriately enough, “Haiku.”

Single Dad Haiku (August 16, 2009)

If there’s no greater
gift than that of parenthood,
I kept my receipt.

After three Bottles of Wine Haiku (August 15, 2009)

“Drinking too much booze” 
 is a phrase I just don’t get.
Granted, I’ve gone blind.

End of the World Haiku (August 14, 2009)

Vick to the Eagles.
Cats, dogs living together.
Apocalypse NOW!

Apocalyptic Haiku (August 13, 2009)

Watched Hearts of Darkness.
Three million bucks for Brando
to be an asshole.

M. Night Shayamalan’s The Village Haiku (August 12, 2009)

Don’t mean to spoil
the ending, but this movie
sucks a donkey’s dick.

Litigious Women Haiku (August 12, 2009)

Poor Rick Pitino.
Both you and Roethlisberger
need new eyeglasses.

Insomnia Haiku (August 11, 2009)

Sleeping is for squares.
Have fun getting your rest, nerds!…
Wish I was a square.

Post-Wedding Haiku (August 10, 2009)

I’ve done nothing but
baste my liver for three days.
Have you seen my pants?

GAY-ROD Haiku (August 8, 2009)

Your likableness
is overshadowed only
by your purple lips.

First Aid Haiku (August 7, 2009)

A bee just stung me.
My foot burns like fire ants
fucked on my toenail.

John Hughes Haiku (August 6, 2009)

Sure, Sixteen Candles
was great. Maid in Manhattan?
Ummmm, well, not so much.

Royal Haiku (August 6, 2009)

You’re a fat-ass, Prince.
You “charged” the clubhouse since you’re
too fat to charge mound.

Post-Party, Early Morning Haiku (August 5, 2009)

My yard is littered
with pizza crusts and beer cans.
Happy 5th Birthday?

My Daughter’s Birthday Haiku (August 4, 2009)

You are five today.
Happy birthday, Tater Tot.
Get a job, hippie!

Words to Live By Haiku (August 3, 2009)

When you’re at the bar,
avoid women crazier
than the Octomom.

Red Sox Fan Haiku (August 2, 2009)

Clemens, Pettitte, Brown,
Knoblauch, Stanton, Grimsley, A-
ROD: New York’s finest!

Haiku for Bill Simmons (August 1, 2009)

Links to The Pixies
do not make me forgive you
for Almost Famous.

Baseball Haiku (July 31, 2009)

MLB deadline
fast approaching. Owners, there
are four Pirates left!

Red Sox Fan Haiku (July 30, 2009)

Manny and Papi:
you cheated. I forgive you.
AROD’s still a dick.

NFL Haiku (July 30, 2009)

Stallworth gets a month
while Vick gets two years. Your legal
system at work.

Viking Fan Haiku (July 29, 2009)

Brett has called it quits.
Again. We never gave up
on you, Tavaris.

Bill Simmons Haiku (July 28, 2009)

Almost Famous is
almost worth writing about.
Awful film? Almost.

Pre-Dawn Haiku (July 28, 2009)

“Insomniac” is
basically fancy speak for
“creative whack job.”

Afternoon Haiku (July 27, 2009)

You know, women are
like Ikea instructions:
just batshit crazy!

Morning Haiku (July 27, 2009)

Commissioner Bud
Selig might reinstate Rose.
10-to-1 he does.

Morning Haiku (July 26, 2009)

Contador sips wine
while peddling in final stage.
Um, this is a sport?

Morning Haiku (July 25, 2009)

I thought it over:
Roethlisberger’s innocent.
It was Kobe! (Natch.)

Afternoon Haiku (July 24, 2009)

Has anyone seen
Andrea McNulty’s pic?
Shame on you, Seven.

Morning Haiku (July 24, 2009)

Talking about Favre
is like talking about
Rachael Ray: who cancelled?

Morning Haiku (July 23, 2009)

Julio Lugo:
A massive Epstein brainfart.
O-Cab anyone?

FYI Haiku (July 22, 2009)

Jacko was crazy.
OJ was guilty.
To get to the other side.

Haiku (July 21, 2009)

Watson blows British.
Still not bad for an old man.
Cink is the Devil.

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