Posted by: cousinbrandon | August 29, 2009

The Angry Alphabet: Things I Hate, From A to Z (A)

So here’s the thing about me: I’m filled with hate.

Seriously, I’d like to tell you I was kidding and that I’m a happy-go-lucky, run-of-the-mill schlub who likes everyone and everything.  But let’s face it:  what’s fun and/or interesting about that?

No, I’m pretty much filled with disdain for a ton of obvious and ridiculous evils both.  And because of that, I thought I might as well share my hatred with the rest of you.  That being the case, I’ve decided to run through the alphabet, listing — letter by letter — things that I hate, things that piss me off, and things that I could do without for my remaining time on this earth.  Granted, I could likely spend two months on the letter “A” alone, so I’m simply doing one item per letter.  But who knows?  Maybe I’ll return to the theme in the future, and by “maybe” I mean “definitely.”

With that, I give you “A”…

Applesauce


Um, wait, why is this appetizing…?

With all due respect, who the fuck find finds applesauce remotely enticing?  I mean, my daughter eats applesauce because she was raised on it and doesn’t know any better.  Old people eat it because their teeth are phony and it’s easily swallowed.  So, with that, if you’re not a 5-year old or a depends-wearing shit-and-piss factory, there’s simply no excuse.

I know some of you might enjoy applesauce with pork chops or a steak, but if that’s the case you’re either A) over 50; B) under 50 but dedicating yourself to doing what the over-50 “hep kids” did; or C) full of shit.  Face it:  applesauce not only tastes awful, but it’s got the texture of chunky water, were there such a thing. 

Furthermore, I actually find that I’m offended when a menu offers applesauce as a potential side to my entree.  Hmmm, you mean I have the option of sucking down mashed up apple that tastes not at all like apples?  Done and done.  Really, offer me steamed vegetables, some type of starch, or a dinner salad.  I’m fine with all of those options.  But please take your applesauce as far away from the dining room as possible.  I mean, some of us are trying to eat!

Until next time, have at it, you vultures!

BD

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Responses

  1. I freakin LOVE applesauce. Screw you.

    Great idea, looking forward to more Angry Alphabet. So much to hate, so few letters!

  2. For the record, I had three other options for “A,” but went with applesauce as it was my first thought. Don’t worry: plenty more to hit on the next round.

  3. I’m in love with the Angry Alphabet concept, and am angry that you thought of it before I did.

    To be fair, though. I’m only 32, in no way interested in following in the footsteps of baby boomers, and yet I love me some applesauce. It’s delicious, so I also say screw you, but with the deepest possible respect.

    Love the blog, Brandon. Always a fun read.

    • Wow! Two responses, two people telling me to screw myself. I’m nothing if not consistent.

      Ummm, thanks for the “kind” words, socnorb777, but applesauce remains a disgrace to us all.


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