Ladies and gentlemen, and you parents in particular, I now present letter “D” of “The Angry Alphabet”:
Dora and Diego
Dora, Diego, and her semi-retarded monkey, Boots.
Those of you with children know exactly what I’m talking about. In fact, I could have simply posted the picture above and left it at that. Dora and Diego are pure evil, much like the stone remains of the Evil Genius that scatter about the great hall in Time Bandits.
Please, for the love of Christ, someone explain to me why our children should be watching the story of two Hispanic children, a talking map, a talking, shape-shifting backpack, and a monkey?! Sorry, children’s programming, but Dora’s an annoying bitch. What’s more, where’s her generosity, for God’s sake? I mean, can’t she for once let Swiper the Fox have a single thing he’s after? Instead, she feels the need to call him out every episode and send him on his way, left to mutter a heart-wrenching, “Oh, man!” as he slinks away into the forest. Thanks, Dora, your kindness is much appreciated. And by the way, isn’t that the way of the fox? I mean, we’ve all heard the cliche “sly as a fox,” right? Well, if that’s the case, have a heart, bitch, and let the fox do his thing for a change!
I’m a fox, moron! “Swiping” is in my DNA!
And, sure, it’s swell of Diego to help out all of those jungle creatures and aquatic life, but have you ever heard of Darwinism? Look, I love animals; I really do. But for you to stick your nose into every harrowing situation in to, say, rescue a baby koala or save a sperm whale is goddamn wrong. It’s called survival of the fittest, shitbag! For every animal you save I wish a pox upon your family. (And by “your family,” I mean Dora, so in that case feel free to save as many animals as you like.)
Look, children’s programming, we don’t need anymore patronizing children or talking camping equipment. Dora, Diego, and their broken Spanish can piss off already. Adios, bitches!
That felt good. Until the letter “E,” have at it, you vultures!