Posted by: cousinbrandon | September 3, 2009

The Angry Alphabet: Things I Hate, From A to Z (E)

I am now preparing myself to be hated by some of you. So be it. Plenty of people hate me; I’m used to it. With that, letter “E” in “The Angry Alphabet”:

The Edge

The definition of cool.

I hate U2. I mean, I hate U2. Their music is irritating, their lead singer, Boner, is more self-absorbed and egotistical than the lead singer of Live, and, worst of all, they feature a guitarist who goes not by his given name of David Howell Evans, but, rather, The Edge.

The Edge!!!

Sweet Jesus, why?! I mean, is this because he’s so “edgy”? Is he “livin’ on the edge”? Is he the epitome of “cutting edge” for all that’s cool and right in the world? No. None of these things can be right. Rather, I’d say he’s on “the edge” of getting his smug little face beaten to a bloody pulp, and if I need to use one of Boner’s 7,000 pairs of uber-hipster sunglasses to get the job done, so be it.

Yes, Boner, we get it. Your glasses are awesome.

Now I know a lot of you probably adore U2, but frankly I just don’t get it. And if you’re on the fence, do me a favor and re-read this entry, two words in particular: The Edge. I mean, he goes by The Edge! What kind of narcissistic dickwad adheres to this sort of moniker? Oh, but it gets better. Check out this super interesting bit of trivia from

Some reports say Edge was named by Bono because [he] was always on the fringe of things. Other stories suggest Bono gave him the name because of the sharp lines and angles of his face when he was a teenager.

Fascinating. Any time a guy named Boner gives you a nickname, by all means retain it till your deathbed.

Well, that’s it for this time, folks. Check back soon when I unleash my evil on “F.” Until then, have at it, you vultures.




  1. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.

    I’ve always been pretty luke warm on U2. Some good stuff, some bad stuff, a lot of stuff that just doesn’t move the meter either way. I’ve been one to stand up for them in the past because I’m convinced that Bono’s whole being Bono thing is a satire that started in the mid 90s (I first remember the whole thing with that song they did for Batman) and he just kept going, but everyone kind of forgot. It is true though that I never did consider just how douche-y calling yourself “the Edge” is. I don’t know why I’ve never reflected on it, but you are quite correct. Nice placement of the guy from Live by the way. All I really remember about that guy is the awful “bald guy rockin a ridiculous pony tail” thing.

    Anyways, a friend of mine always used to say that Aerosmith in their 90s revival state was “livin on the edge, of wuss cliff.” I think that this can now be further applied to Mr. Evans.

    Have a good one man.

  2. yes Boner, we get it, your glasses are *awesome*. love it.

    • You don’t “accidentally” pick a moniker so similar to the slang word for erection…

  3. So funny. Too True.

  4. U2 is the best band in the world!! And The Edge is the best guitarist I have ever seen! The Edge can play guitar as the best. ‘The Edge’ is his nickname. The other bandmembers gave him that nickname when he was 13… 13 years old! You’re acting like you’ve never heard a nickname before. Oke, maybe this is your opinion, but as a U2 fan I just had to give a response on this.

    • Despite your contention that “The Edge can play guitar as the best” (ummm, what?), I never made mention of his ability as a guitarist. My point, Felix, is that A) I despise U2; and B) “The Edge” is a ridiculously pretentious nickname. You got it at 13? Great. Now how about you realize you’re an aging rock star and it’s just plain silly.

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