I am now preparing myself to be hated by some of you. So be it. Plenty of people hate me; I’m used to it. With that, letter “E” in “The Angry Alphabet”:
The definition of cool.
I hate U2. I mean, I hate U2. Their music is irritating, their lead singer, Boner, is more self-absorbed and egotistical than the lead singer of Live, and, worst of all, they feature a guitarist who goes not by his given name of David Howell Evans, but, rather, The Edge.
Sweet Jesus, why?! I mean, is this because he’s so “edgy”? Is he “livin’ on the edge”? Is he the epitome of “cutting edge” for all that’s cool and right in the world? No. None of these things can be right. Rather, I’d say he’s on “the edge” of getting his smug little face beaten to a bloody pulp, and if I need to use one of Boner’s 7,000 pairs of uber-hipster sunglasses to get the job done, so be it.
Yes, Boner, we get it. Your glasses are awesome.
Now I know a lot of you probably adore U2, but frankly I just don’t get it. And if you’re on the fence, do me a favor and re-read this entry, two words in particular: The Edge. I mean, he goes by The Edge! What kind of narcissistic dickwad adheres to this sort of moniker? Oh, but it gets better. Check out this super interesting bit of trivia from U2faqs.com:
Some reports say Edge was named by Bono because [he] was always on the fringe of things. Other stories suggest Bono gave him the name because of the sharp lines and angles of his face when he was a teenager.
Fascinating. Any time a guy named Boner gives you a nickname, by all means retain it till your deathbed.
Well, that’s it for this time, folks. Check back soon when I unleash my evil on “F.” Until then, have at it, you vultures.