Posted by: cousinbrandon | September 8, 2009

The Angry Alphabet: Things I Hate, From A to Z (F)

And now, letter “F” of “The Angry Alphabet.” Too easy? Maybe. But I dare even one of you to disagree with me.

Why must the good people down at [Insert Advertising Agency Here] insist on not only making a single musical parody about some minimum wage loser and his band of merry idiots, but a whole batch of ads covering a variety of musical genres, all of them terrible? Look, I pay good money on a monthly basis to spend quality time with my pal, Television. And with that, I damn well deserve to not be bombarded by some asshole complaining about his job slinging drinks while decked out as a pirate, nor should I have to watch his “posse” getting laughed at in some piece of shit car as they cruise, instruments in tow, through suburbia and attempt to pass off their brand of faux-hip to the world at large. This is outrageous, I say!

A track jacket means I’m young and cool.

Look, I understand how advertising works. What’s more, I realize that in the entertainment business, those dollars spent by and generated from commercials is immense. But please, for the love of God, can’t we do something about this:

While I was shoppin’ for a new car, which one’s me?
A cool Convertible or an SUV?
Too bad I didn’t know my credit was whack,
Cuz’ now I’m drivin’ off a lot in a used Subcompact.
F-R-E-E that spells free,
Credit report dot com baby.
Saw their ads on my T.V.
Thought about going, but was too lazy.
Now instead of lookin’ fly & rollin’ phat,
My legs are sticking to the vinyl and my posse’s gettin’ laughed at.
F-R-E-E that spells free,
Credit report dot com baby.

Where to begin? Again, I don’t buy your brand of “cool,” Free Credit Report people. Seriously, am I to identify with this slacker because he uses words like “whack” and turns phrases like “instead of lookin’ fly and rollin’ phat”? First, when was the last time anything was “fly” or “phat”? Second, go take a look in the mirror, Free Credit Report Guy. Nobody wants to hear about your “posse.” You don’t have a posse. You’re a 20-something, white-bread uber-dork cruising through the town where you attended high school while your two best buds who never amounted to anything other than bar-back and stock-boy, respectively, play some type of rock/rap hybrid in the back of your shitty car that you’ve owned since sophomore year. Does that about sum things up?

Face it, guy, you want to know why you’re dressed as a pirate? Because your only aspiration in life was to “make it” as a rock star despite not having a shred of talent. Good luck with that. And the next time you and your “posse” decide to take your car out for a spin and sing the rest of us a shitty song about your poor credit history, do us all a favor: crash.

Well, until the letter “G” makes its way into the series, I bid you farewell. Until next time, have at it, you vultures!




  1. On the plus side, some of the gals in those commercials are quite easy on the eyes. Then again, that goes for most commercials, so it isn’t exactly a unique virtue only possessed by the commercials.

    I do think that the tune(s) are a bit catchy, but so devoid of worth that I still refuse to listen to them, which is a lot coming from me.

  2. Wow, can’t argue with that one. I find myself hoping that guy gets hit by a bus when I see those commercials.

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