Posted by: cousinbrandon | September 17, 2009

The Angry Alphabet: Things I Hate, From A to Z (I)

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I give you “I” in all its angry glory:


Since I was a child I’ve had trouble sleeping. Ask my older brother, who shared a room with me as a kid. It seemed every stinking Saturday morning I was up with the first glint of sunshine while he rolled around like a sad, albeit well-rested sack until at least 11:00. As a child I hated him for sleeping so late, as I had no one to play with until he got his ass out of bed. On the other hand, I also felt sorry for him, as he’d sleep his Saturday morning away while I got to delight in cereal in Saturday morning cartoons.

Things have changed.

God damn, how I so envy his, or anybody’s, ability to sleep. It’s like some sort of secret I’m not privy to. Nowadays I still wake up early, only it’s before dawn. What’s more, I have the pleasure of waking up at least once a night and stressing to no end as to whether or not I’ll ever get back to sleep. And on those rare days I don’t wake up on my own at 3 AM, I can sure as shit count on my five-year-old daughter to walk into my bedroom to tell me she used the potty or wants her nightlife off or has a song stuck in her head.

What my insomnia looks like. Well, except his kitchen is nicer.

See, I’m not one of those people who can’t fall asleep; rather, I can’t stay asleep. The second my eyes open my mind reels, and I begin thinking about everything from my shitty job to money to asking myself whether or not I remembered to set my fantasy football line-up. It’s ridiculous, really. Let’s not forget, too, that I roll around all night like a champ. It’s as if I’m on some sort of super-slow moving amusement park ride, and every 10 minutes my body’s forced to do a quarter-turn.

Trust me, those of you who can sleep: you’re blessed! Take it from someone who hasn’t had a solid night’s sleep since before puberty: there’s nothing worse than not feeling rested. Well, except for being devoured by a hungry pack of bull moose, but otherwise insomnia wins out hands down.

Go screw yourself, Insomnia. Some of us could use a nap.

Until next time, have at it, you vultures!


*Thanks to Ted S.



  1. You need a sleep study. This one made me sad.

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