I have never watched a single thing you’ve ever done. Not Tyler Perry’s House of Payne, not Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns, not Tyler Perry’s Latest Vehicle with Tyler Perry Referencing Himself in the Title. The only Madea I know kicked it with Jason and the Argonauts, and no matter how many times I see a man dressed as a woman in a fat suit, it’s never funny. Not ever.
You’re dressed as a woman. Oh, now I get it. [Still not laughing.]
I guess what I’m saying, Tyler Perry, is that I have no idea who the fuck you are, and yet you pop up 20 times a night if I happen to be watching a baseball game or syndicated episodes of Family Guy. Listen, Tyler, I don’t care for your pals Lopez or Caliendo, either, but they don’t crap out a new movie every other week that somehow rakes in boatloads of dough. And, sure, it’s not your fault; after all, people are paying to see these stinkfests at their local theaters. Still, this doesn’t get you off the hook for possessing the “artistic vision” to dress yourself up as an old, black woman. It wasn’t funny when Martin Lawrence did it, and it sure as shit isn’t funny now. I don’t know if you know this, Tyler Perry, but when something is done, and then is re-done again and again and again, we call that hackneyed. Or trite. Or cliche. Or overused. Or Paris Hilton. (See what I did there? Perfect example.)
Congratulations, Martin. Fat, black women everywhere also don’t find you funny.
It just strikes me as inexplicable, Tyler Perry, that I’ve never actually seen you say or do anything funny, and yet your gap-toothed grill appears on my television to no end uttering the words “Very funny.” What, then, is so very funny? The fact that you’re famous? That you’re rich? That you have a career? That people tune in to see whatever the hell it is you do? If that’s the case, yes, very funny, indeed. But if I’m supposed to sign off on you as a talent — as a comic wit — here’s a suggestion: lay off the sitcoms, quit shitting out bad movies, and actually do something that looks mildly interesting. Sorry, Tyler Perry, but Madea is the new Ernest, and last I checked that fucker went to jail back in 1990. That’s 19 years ago, Friend. Are you beginning to see where I’m coming from with this?
Please, Ernest, come back to us and not be funny to (once again) show Tyler how it’s done.
Look, telling you to turn down the money is preposterous; I understand that. All I’m asking is that you actually do something to earn the money. Rather than dumping your unbelievable piles of shit on the rest of us, wait for one good project and unleash it as the semi- to most likely-shitty project it’s bound to be. And for the record, that does not mean you should immediately get to work on Madea Goes to Brussels or Madea Goes to Whole Foods or Madea Goes to the Night at the Museum. What it means, Tyler Perry, is that unless Madea is going to the funeral parlor for a date with several quarts of embalming fluid, I want nothing to do with that bitch.
Well, there’s letter “T” in The Angry Alphabet. So until “U” fills the airwaves with hate speech, have at it, you vultures!