Posted by: cousinbrandon | November 4, 2009

The Angry Alphabet: Things I Hate, From A to Z (U)

The Usual Suspects

Can someone tell me why I’m supposed to guffaw and applaud every time this fucking movie comes on? Look, for the first 102 minutes or so, sure, it’s a pretty great movie. Strong acting, solid dialogue, good story. I mean, anything that’s got Stephen Baldwin in it and doesn’t make me want to punch myself and/or Hollywood square in the nuts deserves some sort of pass. But all of sudden, in those last 3 minutes, it turns into an absolute shitfest. Why?

Because Kevin Spacey isn’t fucking crippled, that’s why!

Yes, I get it. He’s a criminal mastermind — he is Keyser Soze. What’s more, he managed to string along Chazz Palminteri and the rest of his department by creating a ficticious tale based on the headlines, images, and — gulp — coffee cups in Palminteri’s office. Even that I can accept to an extent. But watching Spacey walk out of the police station, ditch the limp, and “transform” into good ol’ “Keyser Soze: Non-Cripple” was unforgivingly ridiculous. You know who else utilized endings like this? These guys:


“Revin Racey’s Keyser Roze?! Ruh-roh!”

And by the way, Chazz Palminteri: Chazz? Really? Look, I understand it’s a nickname for “Charles,” and in your case maybe it really is your given name. Either way, there’s this thing among Hollywood actors where they more often than not change their given names. They use what are called “screen names” or pseudonyms. So, if Chazz is actually your given name, I encourage you to change it. If Chazz was not, in fact, your given name and is, instead, the one you settled on, may you die a slow, miserable death. Let me show you something, Chazz:

  • Chazz Dickens
  • Chazz Darwin
  • Chazz the Great
  • King Chazz I

You see what I’m getting at here, Chazz? Frankly, your name makes you sound like a dick. And by the way, are you still acting? Are you dead? Fame’s not been so good to you. Amazing how 15 minutes just seems to fly by, no?


Chazz Darwin thinks “we evolved from monkeys and shit, yo!”

Look, I know everyone — everyone — I talk to about this movie thinks I’m off my rocker. Well, everyone, to you I say, “Good day.” Sorry, but I like movies that don’t go out of their way to trick me for two hours before revealing the big “gotcha” moment at the end. If that’s all I wanted, I’d go watch an M. Night Shyamalanadingdong movie. Any of them. (Well, except for The Happening, which I still refuse to watch on principle alone. Mark Wahlberg’s worse than rectal bleeding.)

All in all, it’s a shame. The Usual Suspects does a pretty outstanding job of developing an intricate story only to fuck the whole thing up with a cheap gimmick at film’s end. “The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist,” says Spacey/Verbal/Soze to my good pal Chazz. Really? I could’ve sworn his greatest trick was convincing the world The Usual Suspects is a brilliant film.

Well, that’ll do it for this time. So until letter “V” wraps its skinny fingers around your neck, have at it, you vultures!

BD

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Responses

  1. My first exposure to the name Chazz’s existence was in a bowling alley when I was a child. There was a man named Chazz Achilles who was a heralded bowler with a camaro style mullet. Just about right.

    *Note: I know I just made that mullet designation up, but that’s the best way I can think of to describe it. I figure the imagination of the reader can take it from there and at least be universally pretty close to accurate.

    • Despite my assessment above, Chazz Achilles is arguably the greatest name ever known to man.

      • Cheers to that. Especially with it fitting him so perfectly. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a name and a face/apparent persona line up like that. Not even close.

  2. Up your ass! You like “Man on Wire” so what the fuck would you know about a movie?

    • Look, it’s not like I’m advocating for Natalie Merchant or Hootie or somethhing dreadful like that…

  3. I guess the devil tricked me too, because I loved this movie.

  4. I’m fine with the Usual Suspects hate. It was what it was.
    But why attack poor Chazz? You dealt more blows to him than the film. He’s just trying to make a buck. And he wrote The Bronx Tale which is one of my favorites. I’m just sayin…

    FYI- According to imdb-
    Birth name: Calogero Lorenzo Palminteri

    I’d say that’s a good change

    • True, but to acknowledge that a change was made is to acknowledge that he selected Chazz out of a whole world of options. I’m not so down on him for it and I certainly don’t know the logic behind that choice which could explain everything, but I thought it was worth noting.

      I haven’t seen The Bronx Tale, but I’ve heard a few times that it is very good. I’ll have to look into that.

    • Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t it A Bronx Tale? One of your favorites, my ass!

      • Indeed. But I have taken to inserting “the” in front of most things when referring to them. (ie: “I was talking to The Ed.”, “I watched it on the Hulu.”, “Fact: Tina Fey has the Balls.”)
        So The A Bronx Tale would not have flown.

        Back to you Chazz hate though. How do you feel about your Cousin referring to all Charlies as Chaz? It’s gotten to me of late. I used to like the Chaz Stiener business because I like the man and what not. But of late with Charlies Weiss and Manual being hot topics it’s been non-stop Chaz talk on the show. Thoughts?

      • A great observation on Cousin Dave, really. Here’s the thing: I pretty much find that anything out of his mouth, despite the content, sounds funny. That is, he’s got that Walken-esque quality. With that, I find that the Chazzes Weiss, Steiner and Manuel don’t bother me coming from him. In general, though, I despise it as a nickname. Although, Chachi “Chazz” Arcola’s got a nice ring to it.


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