Posted by: cousinbrandon | November 10, 2009

The Angry Alphabet: Things I Hate, From A to Z (V)


I don’t know if you’ve heard, but vampires are pretty popular these days. No, really. In fact, Stephenie Meyer, author of the Twilight series, just signed a deal with Hollywood for the movie rights to the still unwritten 41st book in the series. No way vampires won’t be just as popular by then. I mean, we’re definitely not a society based on trendy bullshit. No, Sir, no fickle folks amongst us. What’s more, at the rate these hacks are shitting out vampire books, television shows and movies, Twilight 41: Yep, We’re Still Here should likely hit the theaters around, oh, August 2010. And you know who absolutely, positively cannot wait? This guy/gal:

“I want a hotdog, I want a cheeseburger, I want a spiked collar, I want holy water…”

Look, if you’re into vampires, great. Hell, I think Shadow of the Vampire is a fantastic film and will stop on From Dusk Till Dawn every time I happen to come across it while channel surfing. But I refuse to believe that we suddenly need to be inundated with True Twilight Blood Vampire Chronicles Assistant around every corner. See, what Hollywood (and society, apparently) doesn’t understand is that excess is a bad thing (unless, of course, we’re discussing booze, money, pizza, or It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia). At what point, exactly, does “of the moment” become overkill? The minute something becomes trendy is the same moment it’s no longer trendy, thanks to A) our microwave, fast-food attention span; and B) people like myself who despise the notion of being told what to like.

Furthermore, aren’t vampires supposed to be scary? That is, despite the mythology of vampires and the sort of “cool” factor that went along with the idea of who/what a vampire actually represented at the start, wasn’t Dracula and the vampire in general something to be feared? Today’s vampires shop at Abercrombie and Fitch and no longer drink blood because they’re watching their iron levels. Sorry, but I want a vampire to actually inspire fear, sort of like these freaks:

Yikes! Okay, vampires, this is officially scary. You win.

Look, I’ll absolutely sign off on vampires as opposed to yet another Hollywood remake, but let’s face it: aren’t vampire movies/shows/books remakes themselves? I mean, sure, everything’s derivative, but it’s not as though the vampire story hasn’t been told a million times already, and in many cases better. I mean, based on pure aesthetics I’ll sign off on this any day of the week:

“You know how I know I’m a on a show about vampires? Because I’m young and attractive and not the least bit scary. Thanks again, personal trainer.”

On the other hand, Anna Paquin, even you and your gap-toothed grin aren’t enough to make me tune in to True Blood on a weekly basis. Sorry, but until the industry begins shitting out weekly movies based on comic books and video games, I’m out.

Oh, right.

Well, that’s it for this installment of The Angry Alphabet. Check back soon to see what kind of trouble “W” can get itself into.

Until next time, have at it, you vultures!




  1. Anna Paquin isn’t a vampire in the show, dick.

    PS Love the Alway’s Sunny haikus/references.

    • So be it. The caption has been adjusted. Thanks. (And by thanks, I mean go fuck yourself, my good man.)

  2. Manderson watches “True Blood.” Loser.

    • Hilarious.

  3. I know you weren’t gonna list *every* good Vampire movie since the dawn of talkies, but……I feel like The Lost Boys should be in that conversation.

    So, here’s a shout out for the best thing the Corys have ever done (aside from Nicole Eggert — hey ohhh)!

    • Actually, I can’t BELIEVE I failed to mention Love at First Bite. Oh, George Hamilton, how I wronged you and your mole. And your tan.

  4. What about “Blackula”? -or- “Lord Chain” for that matter?

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