Posted by: cousinbrandon | November 18, 2009

The Angry Alphabet: Things I Hate, From A to Z (X)


No, not the band X. And, no, not Brand X. Nope. Just the letter itself. Why? I’ll tell you why: because I’m sick and goddamn tired of its recognition as an official member of the English alphabet, that’s why!

Would you like to know whose recognition of the letter “X” is better than anyone else’s? Kids. Now, would you like to know why? Xylophones. “Xylophones?” Yes, xylophones, because it’s the only thing ever — ever — represented in children’s books, television shows, or pictorial interpretations of the alphabet. And unless every kid on the face of the Earth wants to grow up to be a band geek or the 13th member of an indie band whose presence isn’t vital but, “hey, you’re a friend of ours from childhood so, sure, we’ll find a spot for you on the next record and during live gigs,” how about something besides xylophones, Hasbro?!

Hey, it’s the letter “X” as demonstrated by a xylophone!

Hey, it’s the letter “X” as demonstrated by a xylophone!

Hey, it’s the let- Ah, fuck it. You get the point.

As touched on above, X’s only real purposes include:

  • Providing an alternative to Brand Y;
  • Naming a California-based punk band;
  • Marking the spot;
  • Completing algebraic equations;
  • Filling in for the “times” sign on calculators and measurements;
  • Helping to conceal the alter-ego of mutant caretakers;
  • Maintaining the secret identity of an informant; and
  • Amassing mad points in Scrabble.

Even I’ll admit that Professor R just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Fine, that’s all well and good. But seriously, off the top of your head, I challenge you to come with as many words as possible beginning with “X”. And, go!


Congratulations. You came up with Xenon, Xavier and Xerox. Proper nouns everywhere thank you.

Look, X, I’m a writer and even I have very little use for you. What’s more, 25 is such a nice, evenly-divisible number. Who in the hell decided that we’d be better off with 26 letters in the alphabet? I guarantee it was someone with an affinity for/connection to 13. Jerk.

What it comes down to, X, is that you have some semblance of importance, thus adding to words like “sex,” “exterminator,” and “mixed (drink).” But to think you have the right to assert yourself as a kick-off letter in the same ilk as, say, “S” or “M” — well, that’s just plain stupid. (See, I can’t even end by saying “You’ve got some xplaining to do.” Useless bitch!)

So until Letter “Y” makes its way into your heart, have at it, you vultures!




  1. The xylophone thing is pretty damn hilarious. In fact, when I saw that you were on the letter X, my first thought was “Gee, I wonder if Brandon’s gonna hate on xylophones.”

    While I’ve never had any angst toward the letter X, I agree that it’s completely useless. In every case, except when it’s used alone (because the letter X alone is kinda cool: X-Men, X-Ray Eyes, etc.), but in every case it can be substituted with a Z or a “ks” or “cks”. Essentially it’s sole purpose is aesthetics. Or aesthetix.


    • “Aesthetix.” Nice.

  2. Perhaps you’d better stick to English, not math, because 25 is not nearly as symmetrical as 26.

    Why the bitterness towards the letter, “X”? It seems somewhat contrived, because, “X,” in reality, is awesome. Xavier McDaniels was precious. Treasure maps? X always marks the spot to those rape acquired goodies. In graphs, the X axis is always the cool one, because the Y axis is too damn inquisitive. And what about the illiterates? If not for “X,” how would they sign their names?

    Plus, you mentioned Professor X, but left out the X-Men. Perhaps your bitterness stems ou of jealousy of the X-Men. But never fear! Hopefullly the Dave can lend you some bread, and after the surgery, you too can be an ex-man.

    • Last I checked, the square root of 25 is 5, thus making it a perfect square. THAT, Friend, makes it “symmetrical” in my book.

      And for the record, Charles Xavier is “King of the X-Men,” so to speak, so there’s no need to name off the rest of them.

  3. My little brother has a set of Little People Animals, one for each letter of the alphabet and the X is x-ray fish.

    • Actually, anything called “x-ray fish” sounds pretty damn cool in my book.

  4. Xenophobic bastard.

    • Takes one to know one.

  5. Oh come now, Xanth, Xen, Xer, all lovely jewelry for the noun. Costume yes, but we usually get tacky gifts at Xmas. Do we not?

    • Xactly.

  6. I know it is a proper noun but Xanax is wonderful.

    • When you’re right, you’re right. Granted, I prefer Xicodin.

  7. Xu has gotten me out of a few Scrabble jams.

    • That is why I hate Scrabble.

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