Posted by: cousinbrandon | December 7, 2009

Hai-kuella de Vil: The Week in Twitter Haiku

How can it possibly be December? I’d ask where the time went, but then I’d be that cliche that everyone hates, the boss who says post-haircut, “Looks like someone got his ears lowered.” This is a rather significant month for me, and not just because of Christmas, Hannukah and Kwanzaa. (What? You think Cousin Brandon is above a Kwanzaa celebration? Okay, I am. Hell, I had to Google “Kwanzaa” to make sure I was spelling it right. All these years later and I still don’t understand what it’s about. Granted, I don’t really understand what Easter is about, either, so there’s that.) Four years ago this month I started working for my current employer. That’s essentially 208 weeks ago, which means I’ve been ranting about my how much I despise my fucking job for 207 weeks now. Or, to put it another way, that’s 1,453 days of non-stop bitching. For all who know me, bitching is nothing new. But to put up with such a miserable career for four years now?! I blame you, Economy. Well, I also blame this shit-town, with its lack of creative-based positions and a culture stream that’s been pissed in repeatedly by bears, deer, and Nascar fans. Oh, and I blame myself, because, well I’m lazy.

This installment of haikus covers Monday, November 30 through Sunday, December 6, covering those post-Thanksgiving pounds, the onslaught of December, Insomnia (natch), my job (natch, again), Tiger Woods, and spirituality. As always, you can find this collection here every Monday, or simply subscribe to my Twitter feed (@CousinBrandon). Regardless, remember that it’s not how you find me, but that you find me.

Post-Thanksgiving Workout Plan Haiku (November 30, 2009)

Masturbatemonday
helps me work off that extra
slice of pumpkin pie.

What December Promises Haiku (December 1, 2009)

Christmas. Presents. Debt.
Winter. Snow. Car accidents.
New Year’s Eve. Douchebags.

“I’ll Punch You in the Neck, Insomnia” Haiku (December 2, 2009)

You’ve got SOME nerve, Sir!
Granted, I should assume you’re
female, like my ex.

What Work Promises Today Haiku (December 3, 2009)

Something “Mornin'” some-
thing something bullshit something
something something “‘Night.”

How to Strike Fear Into the Hearts of Married Men Haiku (December 3, 2009)

Might be wrong, but the
fastest falling creedo is
“I AM Tiger Woods.”

My Movie About My Relationship with @Favstar Haiku (December 4, 2009)

My tagline will read,
“If you star it, I will come.
In my pants. Again.”

What I Watched with My Daughter Entirely Too Early On a Saturday Haiku (December 5, 2009)

Hansel and Gretel
at 6 AM. Hope they both
get Diabetes.

The Mysteries of the World Solved Haiku (December 6, 2009)

The sound of one hand
clapping? Easy: It’s silence.
Suck on THAT, Buddhists!

Well, that’s all for this week. See you here next Monday for an all new batch of haiku. Until then, have at it, you vultures!

BD

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