Posted by: cousinbrandon | December 14, 2009

Hai(ku) Way to Hell: The Week in Twitter Haiku

I’m still on the fence about this time of year. I mean, wishing someone a “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Hannukah” or “Kwazy Kwanzaa” is a relatively empty gesture, right? Am I wrong, or is it equivalent to “Good Morning”? We make these niceties because we feel we should as opposed to doing so because we mean it. Sure, this may not apply to everyone, but the people who genuinely mean it are typically, well, batshit crazy. Or maybe that’s just my perception of people because I’m such a cynical ass? I honestly don’t know. For me it’s equivalent to Jewish folk who spend all year without stepping so much as a yarmulke in synagogue, but then show up on Yom Kippur — one day out of 365 — to atone for their sins. In other words, either you’re genuinely religious or you’re not. Same goes for holiday spirit. Either you’re a good person who gives a damn about others, or you don’t. [See: Valentine’s Day. Why do you a prescribed day to tell your betrothed you love her?]

This installment of haikus covers Monday, December 7 through Sunday, December 13, covering the grading process, Winter, my autobiography, Tiger Woods, the Pittsburgh, Steelers, insomnia (natch), and hangovers. As always, you can find this collection here every Monday, or simply subscribe to my Twitter feed (@CousinBrandon). It’s up to you, and frankly, I’m offended by the fact that you’ve still not mailed me a holiday card featuring your family and the dog dressed up as an elf. Clock’s ticking, people.

What Mondays Are REALLY For Haiku (December 7, 2009)

Returning to bed
and realizing that it’s
Masturbate Monday.

Lesson Learned While Grading Papers Haiku (December 8, 2009)

Grading while drinking
is best left to the pros, as
in the prostitutes.

If It’s Going to Snow, Snow! Haiku (December 9, 2009)

Attention, Winter:
don’t tease me. Still have to work.
Snow big or go home!

My Abridged Autobiography Haiku (December 9, 2009)

CousinBrandon: drunk,
stupid, and writing haikus
so you don’t have to.

Oh, Sweet Irony Haiku (December 10, 2009)

It’s hard to believe,
but Tiger MUST be jealous
of John Daly, right?

Tiger Woods Is Unique In This Fashion Haiku (December 10, 2009)

This just in: athletes
cheat on their spouses. Related:
snow is still cold.

An Open Letter to the Pittsburgh Steelers Haiku (December 11, 2009)

Dear Pittsburgh Steelers:
Losses to the Chiefs, Raiders
and Browns? Kill yourselves!

You’ve Got Some Explaining to Do, Insomnia Haiku (December 12, 2009)

4 AM? On a
Saturday sans child? You’re
truly the Devil.

Too Much Booze Will Do This to a Person Haiku (December 13, 2009)

Sunday hangovers
are like Monday mornings with
one less ass raping.

So, I suppose that’s it for this week’s haiku. Until next time, have at it, you vultures!



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