I sleep how Rachael Ray cooks: horribly. For the past, oh, three weeks or so, I’ve been awake in the middle of the night for no less than 90 minutes at a time. And what, pray tell, do I do during those incoherent hours? I lay in bed and watch TV, or I get online and read emails, or I attempt to figure out just what in the hell is wrong with me. People have suggested various “cures”: Melatonin, cold medicine, less booze (pfft!), more exercise, and so on. Have I exhausted all of these remedies? No. Do I intend to? Of course not. See, I’ve been a bad sleeper since my youth. Just ask my brother. I used to practically beg him to wake up Saturday mornings to watch cartoons at 7 AM, but sure enough he’d manage to stay asleep until 11 o’clock at minimum. It drove me crazy, really. Now, when I watch those Sleep Number fucks and every other infomercial promoting a “good night’s sleep,” I’m not left wondering if that’s the cure I’m looking for. Rather, I blatantly call shenanigans. I tried a Sleep Number bed. I had it for about a month and it was absolutely worthless. In case you weren’t aware, it’s essentially an inflatable mattress. You can get one of those at Target, incidentally, for a lot less money and have the experience of camping every night in your own bedroom. Pass. So, with this knowledge, you have to forgive me for the great number of insomnia haikus that have colored my posts of late. Unfortunately, it’s starting to become all I know.
This installment of haikus covers Monday, December 14 through Sunday, December 20, covering the holiday season, Tiger Woods, Christmas presents, Tarantino, and, of course, insomnia. As always, you can find this collection here every Monday, or simply subscribe to my Twitter feed (@CousinBrandon). Here we are only 4 days from Christmas and you’ve still failed to buy me that bottle of Old Spice I’ve been so blatantly begging for? For shame, people. For shame.
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas Haiku (December 14, 2009)
Twelve days till Christmas
and it starts on a Monday?
Fuck you, Santa Claus!
The True Meaning of Insomnia Haiku (December 15, 2009)
German for “Fuck you and your
need to sleep, Hebrew”?
My Interpretation of Current Events Haiku (December 16, 2009)
Blah Blah Blah Tiger
Blah Blah HGH Blah Blah.
So long, PGA.
Our Latest Olympic Event Haiku (December 17, 2009)
When at long last they
give medals for insomnia,
I’ll take the Gold.
Some Things Never Change Haiku (December 18, 2009)
One week till Christmas.
No tree, no lights, no stockings.
Hannukah Presents Aren’t What They Claim to Be Haiku (December 19, 2009)
Are you kidding me?!
Gordon Ramsay would be fucked!
“Easy Bake” my ass!
Just In Time for Christmas DVD Haiku (December 20, 2009)
Hard to recommend
Ingorious Basterds as
“perfect Christmas gift.”
Well, that’ll do it for this week. Until next time, have at it, you vultures!