Posted by: cousinbrandon | December 28, 2009

Catcher in the Hai(ku): The Week in Twitter Haiku

Every year I try to figure out whether Christmas is the greatest day of the year or the absolute worst. I mean, you spend all that time anticipating, hanging lights, decorating trees, baking cookies, wrapping gifts, and hoping your loved ones like the presents you’ve bought them. And after all that work — after the food’s been eaten, the gifts have been unwrapped, and the tree sheds its needles — what are you left with? The guilt of eating too much, spending too much money, and standing in too many lines to return all the bullshit that doesn’t fit or doesn’t work. What’s more, folks like me don’t get the week off. I mean, here it is Monday, three days after Christmas and three days before New Year’s Eve, and sure enough I’m back at my desk, typing, blowing off my actual work and awake all too early. One of these years I think I might have to go out of the country for Christmas, maybe take a vacation to someplace tropical and give the finger to the rest of the world. I mean, since I can’t cancel Christmas for the rest of you, and I can’t make up my mind as to whether or not I love or hate it, avoiding it altogether might be the proper choice. Also, on Arbor Day.

This installment of haikus covers Monday, December 21 through Sunday, December 27, reflecting upon the beauty of Monday morning, insomnia, Rachael Ray, Christmas, booze, and the world of cliche. As always, you can find this collection here every Monday, or go on over and subscribe to my Twitter feed (@CousinBrandon or You want to get me a belated Hannukah/Christmas gift? By all means, subscribe, read, follow and everything else. That, or booze. Your choice.

My Life Is On Repeat Haiku (December 21, 2009)

It’s mornings like these
that remind me how much I
hate mornings like these.

My Insomnia as Metaphor Haiku (December 22, 2009)

I am to sleeping
as Rachael Ray is to life:
a talentless fuck.

What to Get for the Guy Who Had Nothing Haiku (December 23, 2009)

Christmas makes me stop
and wonder what Jesus gets
for Christmas. Nikes?

A Reflection On the Holiday Season Haiku (December 24, 2009)

So this is Christmas
Eve, huh? Feels more like Summer’s
Eve, minus fresh scent.

What I Got For Christmas (Set to the “12 Days of Xmas”) Haiku (December 25, 2009)

Three cups of coffee,
two fucking cats and a house
that smells of cat pee.

The Following Morning Haiku (December 26, 2009)

Attention, Science:
“Morning After Christmas” Pill.
Best stocking stuffer.

Cliche and Irony Go Hand-In-Hand Haiku (December 27, 2009)

At the end of the
day, I still hate the phrase “At
the end of the day.”

Well, that’ll do it for this installment of Twitter haiku. Until next time, have at it, you vultures!




  1. Haiku genius.

    • Genius, eh? I prefer “intellectually enhanced.” Thanks for reading, quirkyfossil.

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