Posted by: cousinbrandon | January 18, 2010

Fast Times at Ridgemont Hai(ku): The Week in Twitter Haiku

Something feels so very wrong about being home on a “holiday” like Martin Luther King Day, in that most of us do nothing to actually “celebrate” it. I mean, sure, I’ll never complain about an extra day off, but days like today, Memorial Day, Labor Day – frankly, I don’t find myself recognizing the signficance of the event we’re celebrating. Rather, I’m just happy as all fuck not to be confined to my desk, pissing and moaning about how much my job sucks while listening to my co-worker chat up her theater troupe via cell phone all afternoon. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not speaking poorly of Martin Luther King or our veterans or, well, our laborers. I’m just pointing out that my perspective is a bit off, and I can’t imagine I’m alone in this. Eh, fuck it. Go crack another beer or whatever the hell else you’re doing with your time off today. Oh, and for those of you working, jealous much?

This installment of haikus covers Monday, January 11, 2010 through Sunday, January 17, 2010, hitting Mondays, Intervention, Tiger Woods, Mark McGuire, sex addiction, hangovers, and church. As always, you can find this collection here every Monday, or go on over and subscribe to my Twitter feed (@CousinBrandon or Also, I have a delicious pie cooling on the window sill, ’cause my lemon meringue brings all the boys to the yard. Wait, I’m doing it wrong.

I Have Selective Vision Haiku (January 11, 2010)

The calendar says
“Monday,” but all I see is

How Do They Not Realize They’re Being Set Up? Haiku (January 12, 2010)

I guess the folks on
Intervention must never
watch Intervention.

I Got Your Role Model Right Here! Haiku (January 13, 2010)

Thank God for “heroes”
like Big Mac and Tiger. I’m
suddenly awesome!

Tiger Woods Is In Rehab for Sex Addiction Haiku (January 14, 2010)

Who do you think he’ll
try to fuck first: Heidi Fleiss
or Dennis Rodman?

Hungover, Exhausted and Entirely Too Much to Do Haiku (January 15, 2010)

If your Friday feels
like a Monday, you’re doing
it so very wrong.

On a Winter Saturday in Pennsylvania Haiku (January 16, 2010)

Woke up to find my
oil tank is empty. Well
played, Pseudo-Monday.

A Little Bit of Sunday Advice Haiku (January 17, 2010)

Sundays are best spent
without church, for those of you
who’ve kicked the habit.

That’ll do it for this installment. Until next week, have at it, you vultures!


Note: Although I typically don’t do this sort of thing, I think it’s important, particularly in light of it being MLK Day, to think of the folks in Haiti. One of my best pals from my time living in Boston is of Haitian decent, and he still has several family members living there. When I last spoke to him on Friday, all of his family was accounted for outside of one cousin. All I know is that it’s got to be scary as all hell, not being able to communicate with friends and family during a crisis of that magnitude. Christ, I’d be a wreck if I couldn’t find my cat in a thunderstorm, let alone my family during a natural disaster. In any event, just wanted to add a direct link to Unicef, where you can donate money directly to help children affected by the earthquake. Thinking of you, Jon. Hope all is well.



  1. Nicely said in your final note. It’s overwhelming watching the coverage in Haiti, or any disaster, imagining the anguish so many people are going through at once. Not knowing whether loved ones are dead or alive is truly incomprehensible.

    Hope all is well for your friend.

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