Fuck you, Adam Sandler!
Seriously, how does a guy who’s as completely one-note as you manage to become such a huge star? Granted, you’re catering to a world that loves American Idol, McDonald’s and the Kardashians, so I guess my wondering is pointless. Still, Adam Sandler, you’re a fucking hack. You’ve made one really good movie in your career (Punch-Drunk Love), recognized as such because you weren’t playing “Adam Sandler” playing a part. Rather, you were vulnerable and sad. And – GULP! – you acted for a change, something I clearly thought you were incapable of. Look, I’m not saying comedy isn’t hard; of course it is. But when every part you play calls for “the Adam Sandler character,” frankly, Fucko, that ain’t acting.
Guess what, people? If you’ve seen this…
Goofy underdog goes back to school and makes good.
…then you’ve also seen this:
Goofy underdog makes it on the professional golf tour to save his mom’s house.
Goofy underdog makes it on the football team while maintaining a bad Louisiana accent.
Goofy underdog wins the heart of a woman with memory loss.
Goofy underdog realizes he loves his family more than anything else via magical remote control.
Goofy underdog realizes his niece and nephew can make stories come to life via magic and imagination.
Really, sir, the range on you is astounding. I love the one where you play the goofy underdog. Seriously, just hard-hitting and unique. And do you realize I’ve excluded The Wedding Singer, Big Daddy, Little Nicky, Mr. Deeds, Anger Management, The Longest Yard, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry and You Don’t Mess With the Zohan! To borrow a line from Cousin Sal while roasting the great Jeffrey Ross’ body of work, “That’s not a resume; it’s a suicide note.”
Look, Sandler, I know you like to play the “Aw, shucks” card so we all remember what a down-to-Earth guy’s guy you are, but to me you’ll always be this dumb, unfunny fuck who stole time away from something I loved in my earlier years:
Why Ken Ober and not you, Shitbag?!
Congratulations, Adam Sandler. You’re a successful Jew in a baseball cap being paid millions to do the same thing over and over and over again. You’re like Ron Howard, minus the goy. And the talent.
Well, that’ll do it for the opening round of The Angry Alphabet relaunch. If you’re a first time “Alphabetter,” by all means go back to Letter “A” in the first series and see what it’s all about. Otherwise, until Letter “B” bites you in the ass, have at it, you vultures!