Posted by: cousinbrandon | January 19, 2010

The Angry(er) Alphabet: Things I Hate, From A to Z (A)

Adam Sandler

Fuck you, Adam Sandler!

Seriously, how does a guy who’s as completely one-note as you manage to become such a huge star? Granted, you’re catering to a world that loves American Idol, McDonald’s and the Kardashians, so I guess my wondering is pointless. Still, Adam Sandler, you’re a fucking hack. You’ve made one really good movie in your career (Punch-Drunk Love), recognized as such because you weren’t playing “Adam Sandler” playing a part. Rather, you were vulnerable and sad. And – GULP! – you acted for a change, something I clearly thought you were incapable of. Look, I’m not saying comedy isn’t hard; of course it is. But when every part you play calls for “the Adam Sandler character,” frankly, Fucko, that ain’t acting.

Guess what, people? If you’ve seen this…


Goofy underdog goes back to school and makes good.

…then you’ve also seen this:


Goofy underdog makes it on the professional golf tour to save his mom’s house.

And this:


Goofy underdog makes it on the football team while maintaining a bad Louisiana accent.

And this:


Goofy underdog wins the heart of a woman with memory loss.

And this:


Goofy underdog realizes he loves his family more than anything else via magical remote control.

And this:


Goofy underdog realizes his niece and nephew can make stories come to life via magic and imagination.

Really, sir, the range on you is astounding. I love the one where you play the goofy underdog. Seriously, just hard-hitting and unique. And do you realize I’ve excluded The Wedding Singer, Big Daddy, Little Nicky, Mr. Deeds, Anger Management, The Longest Yard, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry and You Don’t Mess With the Zohan! To borrow a line from Cousin Sal while roasting the great Jeffrey Ross’ body of work, “That’s not a resume; it’s a suicide note.”

Look, Sandler, I know you like to play the “Aw, shucks” card so we all remember what a down-to-Earth guy’s guy you are, but to me you’ll always be this dumb, unfunny fuck who stole time away from something I loved in my earlier years:


Why Ken Ober and not you, Shitbag?!

Congratulations, Adam Sandler. You’re a successful Jew in a baseball cap being paid millions to do the same thing over and over and over again. You’re like Ron Howard, minus the goy. And the talent.

Well, that’ll do it for the opening round of The Angry Alphabet relaunch. If you’re a first time “Alphabetter,” by all means go back to Letter “A” in the first series and see what it’s all about. Otherwise, until Letter “B” bites you in the ass, have at it, you vultures!

BD

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Responses

  1. I’m surprised you didn’t mention the eleventy billion versions of the Hanukkah Song. “Random person, you’re a Jew! Other random person – you’re a Jew too!”

    • Wait, Adam Sandler’s Jewish?! I had no idea. He should have made a movie about it, like an animated one. Granted, no one would see THAT piece of shit, either.

  2. I can’t say I’m angry about Adam Sandler’s success, more resigned to it.

    He keeps the douchebag demographic entertained.

    • Good point, though seeing as how I hate douchebags (obviously), well, the circle of life continues.

  3. Excellent choice, sir.

    • I’m the voice of the people.

  4. Thanks for pointing out what a fraud he is! I am glad I’ve never spend a cent on any of his “products”! I’ve been able to hate him for free, and a free hatred is a good hatred.

    • Actually, ANY hatred is good hatred.

  5. You’re jealous of the success of Sandler.

    • Of course I am. Who wouldn’t be jealous of a one-trick pony who makes that type of dough while doing nothing more than being a predictable, unfunny douchebag? Lucky stiff.

  6. Glad you haven’t lost your anger. It brings me joy.

    Punch Drunk Love was very food.

    And I give him a pass for The Wedding Singer despite the performance of Drew Barrymore.

  7. I know you’ll chalk it up as “research”, but it appears that you’ve actually *seen* 50 First Dates, Click, and Bedtime Stories. Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore always get a pass in my book because those were the college days (the salad years) – although, I never really liked Billy Madison.

    But I digress, point is — you had to endure those other three doodiefests. Unless you’re just using some sort of “Sandler Equation Theory” where you can surmise the storyline just by seeing the trailer. With that thinking, I guess the caption for “I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry” would read: “Goofy underdog pretends to like dudes, gets to feel Jessica Biel’s boobies”. Lucky bastard.

    Anyhoozle….one of his Remote Control names (RIP Ken Ober) that I can remember was “Stick Pin Quinn”, vagrant brother of Colin Quinn. Also, I’m still a big fan of Kari Wurher.

  8. Bedtime Stories, oh dear God, how stupid was that. As much as I wish I could get paid zillions to just to the same thing over and over again…

    Good work, sir. I don’t hate him with the same roaring passion as you, but I get the point. It’s even more sad when you see glimpses of how badly he’s wasting his talents when you see him actually able to act in things like Punch Drunk Love which was great and Reign over me, which was surprisingly good…probably more due to Don Cheadle than Sandler, but still…

  9. fuck you. billy madison rules and remains one of the most quotable movies of all time.

    everything else he’s done since then, includng happy gilmore and 95 % of his SNL shit before that, sucks balls. and ass… with one exception — punch drunk love. of course, he still played a goofy underdog.. but, it’s a great fucking movie all the same. i think one of the previous comments said that it was really “food.” that too.

    you’ve seen the awesom-o episode of south park right?


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