Posted by: cousinbrandon | January 27, 2010

The Angry(er) Alphabet: Things I Hate, From A to Z (B)



I’m a dad. I’ve got a 5-year-old. I love her to death. And you know what? I still have no problem telling you that babies are a pain in the ass. What’s more, look at that Ginger-creature above? Sorry, parents of the creepiest kid ever, but I will not congratulate you on the birth of your sea monster. Where does it say we’re obligated to congratulate people on the birth of their freak show? I mean, that kid’s got more hair than most middle-aged men. And what’s with that forehead!? Were I looking to advertise my upstart business, by all means I’d be delighted to advertise across the front of that massive skull. But truth be told, who would read it? I mean, it would require to look into the eyes of, well, that!

Don’t get me wrong: some babies are downright adorable. Hell, my daughter was a cute little porker with a smile and blue eyes that pierced right through me. And you know what? I don’t like looking at her baby pictures. They don’t look like my daughter; rather, those photographs encapsulate some type of weird, alien sack of goo.

When you get right down to it, what good are babies? I mean, what do they do other than endear their parents to other parents and old people? I’ll tell you what they don’t do:

  • My taxes;
  • Earn a living;
  • Say interesting things;
  • Clean up their own shitty diapers;
  • Make dinner;
  • Drive my drunk-ass home from the bar;
  • Make great mix CDs;
  • Praise my fantasy baseball picks;
  • Take out the trash; or
  • Refill Daddy’s “medicine.”

You know what babies do? This:


I’m not saying babies have no good qualities. I mean, if you’re a single guy with a baby, you’re an instant babe magnet. That, or you’re a pedophile. Or a kidnapper. Okay, single guys, just put the baby down and no one gets hurt.

This creep is so going to hell.

Bottom line is that babies are more trouble than they’re worth. They’re expensive, always crying and smell funny. They shit and piss themselves at will, and I frankly don’t feel like dealing with that until my parents can no longer take care of themselves, at which time I’ll be committing them to a senior home. On the other side of the country. Without phones.

Well, that’ll just about do it for Letter “B,” so join me next time when Letter “C” punches you square in the kidney. Until then, have at it, you vultures!




  1. Cats don’t do anything either, but I dint hear you complaining about them. They have many, if not all, of the same annoying characteristics babies have- incessant whining/crying, poopin all over the joint, AND they don’t do your taxes.

    At least babies will grow up and (hopefully) become smarter. Cats – well, the only thing they got going is that they might become smarter than your average dog. In other words, they ain’t picking your drunk ass up from the bar either.

    • Last time I checked, “cats” started with a “c,” so there you go.

      • Sorry. I meant baby cats.

  2. Cheers to that Brandon!
    I find it really refreshing to find that someone agrees with me on the fact that most babies just look like little weird aliens. I’ve thought, and my wife shares the sentiment, that having kids (or moreso a kid) would be nice, but I hate the idea of having a baby around. I love my sleep and I love the fact that I never have to touch a diaper. I can’t explain the relieved feeling I get when I’m in a store and I hear a screaming or crying child, because I am so grateful that it is not my responsibility.

    Another thing that I really hate is the way that people with babies resent people who don’t want them. It’s funny as someone who simply doesn’t want to have kids instantly becomes someone who “hates kids.”

    As for cats. Cats are way awesomer than babies. First, there is the simple fact that you can leave your cat home alone for up to a day or so without even making a single arrangement much less needing to pay some neighborhood kid $50 bucks to watch tv for 4 hours in my house. As for the whining, I’ve never seen a baby stop crying on a dime because someone poured a little catnip on the ground.

    And my cat may not have done my taxes, but she ended up getting me to amend our return after she looke them over and discovered that I forgot to claim the credit for our new energy efficient windows. Got us a much larger refund.

    • Agreed, WUWRobots, that there should be no resentment on either side. Look, have babies if you want them, don’t have babies if you don’t want them. I guess it’s like religion that way. I won’t force my religion (or lack thereof) on anyone, so don’t insist that I sit in your church, light a candle and say four “Hail Marys” or whatever those wacky kids do.

  3. Cats=Awesome

  4. 2 babies. 1 cup

  5. oh

  6. you’re an ass. they are worth it. this little rant is short-sighted at best. 🙂

    • She says with a smiley-face emoticon…

      • That’s right. I’m not full of hate like someone I know.

  7. someone else I know…is what I meant.

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