Posted by: cousinbrandon | February 4, 2010

The Angry(er) Alphabet: Things I Hate, From A to Z (C)

“Celebrities”

Yes, it’s intentionally in quotes, because to consider these people celebrities for anything other than their ability to suck ass on screen would be preposterous. I mean, seriously, look at this gaggle of fuckers…


Thank you, Spencer and Heidi, for not sharing your communicable diseases with the rest of us.


Look, Kim Kardashian, no matter how many times you attempt to reinvent yourself and your gnarled family…


…you’ll always be the whorebag who made this “sexy” movie with that guy!


No, New York, we don’t get it, either.


Holy shit! Ellen DeGeneres grew her hair out! And facial hair!


BWAA-HAA-HAA-HAA-HAA-HAA!!!


Remember Trishelle from Real World: Las Vegas? That’s her on the right. Glad to see she’s living the dream.


If I was your big brother I’d beat the piss out of every single one of you.


They should have just called this trainwreck Two-and-a-Half Hours From My House.


Okay, so there’s one exception to the rule. Sorry, but I have a strange crush on her. And, hey, at least she’s legitimately successful, right? Fellas? Anyone?

Please, people, make it go away. How I tremble at the thought my daughter will one day tell me the celebrity she most admires is Snooki.

Until Letter “D” creeps all up in your shit, have at it, you vultures!

BD

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Responses

  1. Well done. But I have no idea who that last broad is. Oh, and does Larry count as a “celebrity”?

    • Dude, that’s Patti the Milionaire Matchmaker! Heathen.

  2. I can happily say that the only show that I’ve watched from the above is that awful Jersey Shore show which we watched about an episode and a half at a friend’s house and my wife and I have vowed that we will never watch it again. Actually aside from them and the Kardashians I’ve never heard of any of these people. It makes me happy like how I can say that I have no idea what Miley Cyrus’ music sounds like. The ostrich life definitely has its perks.

    • You’re a lucky man, WUWRobots. To have not been subjected to these fuckos is an accomplishment in itself. This is a terrible world we’re living in.

      • Who is the bizarre love child of Ellen DeGeneres and James Spader up there anyways?

  3. RE: WUWRobots

    “Who is the bizarre love child of Ellen DeGeneres and James Spader up there anyways?”

    Why, that’s American Idol’s own Clay Aiken! He looks great, no?

    • Oh wow. He looks even creepier now. I didn’t think that was possible. In case “If I Was Invisible” didn’t sell it enough I guess he needed to get the ultra creepy makeover.

  4. Hurricane Howie from BB would fuck your shit up.

    • The fact that A) there’s someone named “Hurricane Howie”; and B) you know who Hurrican Howie is frightens me.

  5. I love you for this one…although I must admit that I watch this crap from time to time…it’s all because of my kids though…:)

    • If you’re watching Jersey Shore cause your kids are watching Jersey Shore, nice parenting, Philynn!

  6. God, I love this one. Reality TV is a scourge that needs to be sent packing the the netherworld from which it came. I prefer my television shows with, um, what’s the word??? Oh yeah. Writers.

    • Wait, people write? The hell you say.

  7. […] of these show who wildly overvalue themselves and take things way too seriously. You know, these people.) With that, we got to talking about food and film, and I happened to mention one of the most […]


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