Posted by: cousinbrandon | February 18, 2010

The Angry(er) Alphabet: Things I Hate, From A to Z (D)

Dance Crews

So you think (I give a shit) you can dance? I don’t. Not one fucking bit. Not remotely. Not at all.

Can I dance? Not a lick. Frankly, though, that has nothing to do with why I hate you dance fucks to no end. Sure, your ability is admirable, I suppose. Maybe admirable is the wrong word. Your ability is something I don’t possess, so bully for you. Still, I could give a good god damn about watching your “crew” jump around like a hoard of synchronized retards in masks, oversized pants, and matching 80s outfits from the annals of Square Pegs.

So, I’m assuming the Fly Girls had a yard sale…?

Having a dance crew, yet alone so many shows now dedicated to dance in general – So You Think You Can Dance?, America’s Best Dance Crew, Dancing with the Stars – is inherently wrong. You want to dance professionally? Join a ballet company. Or a nudie bar. Until then, for the love of Christ, quit wasting my time. And yours.

Really, where do you intend to go with your hoodie and hip-hop background? The economy is in the toilet as is, and last I checked Dance Crew Company, Inc. was on a complete and total job freeze. No, you’re right. I’m being overly critical. Leaping over people and contorting your body while people tell you “Your moves are tight” and bump you into next week’s dance-off is completely legit. What’s more, I’m thinking of giving up my job altogether and practicing the hell out of some sort of tap/fox-trot fusion, ’cause you can sure as shit bet that Tap That Fox’s Ass will be hitting MTV by 2012, and I’m gonna’ be prepared.

Now if he’d take a giant poop on his “crew” mid-air, then I’d be impressed.

Let’s face it: best case scenario is you end up sucking cock on-stage as a back-up dancer for Madonna, or you wind up here, which, incidentally, is the reigning champ for “Most Annoying, Fucked-Out Commercial.” (And by the way, I don’t know if the individual award for “Most Annoying Douchebag in a Commercial” goes to the broad “working out” her moves in front of the mirror, or faux-indie rock star guy who gives the knowing nod to his bandmates after picking out the right chord on his guitar.) Okay, perhaps I’m being too harsh, as this “dancer” still might take the prize for “Douchiest Douche of All Time.”

You want to know the type of people who form dance crews? This type…

“Hey, you, in the lower right-hand corner: there’s a dead raccoon on your head. Just saying.”

Listen, you want to put on funny clothes and do some synchronized dancing with your pals, by all means. Have at it. The world is your oyster. All I’m saying is that, well, you’re kind of a dick. And for the record, there’s only one dance crew I support…

TKO, motherfuckers!

That’ll do it for the great letter “D.” Until “E” arrives in style and puts a foot up your ass, have at it, you vultures!




  1. While the Six Flags dude is TOTALLY creepy, here’s my nomination for “Douchiest Douche of All Time”:

    • Fine choice, artichoked, but the reason I would have to disagree is at least she’s just being a dork for her boyfriend (well, and all of America). In the other commercials, the nominees are “breakin’ it down” for all to see. And by the way, that’s what makes the girl practicing in the mirror the worst. I mean, SHE’S PRACTICING IN THE MIRROR! She’s not in a dance studio, but in her own fuckin’ bedroom! I quit life.

  2. Are you implying that one is not allowed to dance like a jackass in the privacy of their own bedroom? Please do not surprise me at home, ever. As far as that Eclipse chick, Dave Chappelle said it best: “That crazy dancing is making my penis soft.”

    • Of course. Do as you please in the privacy of your own home. Just don’t record and televise it for the rest of us. Please.

      Yeah, Chapelle nailed it.

  3. Aw man. You’ve stumbled onto my guilty pleasure here, and I’m not one to believe in guilty pleasures. My wife and I watched So You Think You Can Dance pretty religiously, and though it started out as being because she wanted to I got pretty into it. You’ve got to give me this one though. I don’t do Amercan Idol and I choose to play my embarassing tv card here. I couldn’t agree more about the wishing that the flipping dude would just take a big shit all over his dancing buddies.

    For the Most Annoying Douche in the World, I think that the douche dancing in front of the mirror and the douche band leader should hook up and simply form the Moust Annoying Douche Couple. Quit blurring the line and dividing us all into camps and make it simple. Individually, I think I hate them both equally, gun to my head I think I would choose the band leader for this reason. I have always wondered, if he was having so much trouble figuring out “All You Need Is Love” why didn’t he just go to the interweb and look it up. Are we supposed to buy into this monumental “aw fuck yeah, you totally found the chord bro” moment for a group of guys who intend to play a song that’s already been written? A song that I would feel guessing was in the top 20 most recognizable songs in rock music history? I know I’m being kind of a dick reading that far into it, but I hate that commercial.

    • “I would feel COMFORTABLE guessing…”

    • Oh, WUWRObots, how could you! Look, I’m proud of you for avoiding the American Idol nonsense, but do yourself a favor and stop with the talent shows across the board. They are evil, sir. Evil.

      • (laughing) Well, it’s definitely not without its shame. I almost feel like this is an intervention and my peers will say “it hurts me when you talk about how amazing it was that contemporary dancer was so believable in the hip hop routine” but what can I say? I need to live vicariously through people who can wear really costume-y clothes and make awesome faces when they point to some unseen thing off in the distance. If I can’t do the robot, at least I can watch semi-professionals do it on tv.

  4. Dance Crews: You’ve all been served.

    • aw snap!

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