Posted by: cousinbrandon | February 23, 2010

The Angry(er) Alphabet: Things I Hate, From A to Z (E)

Elmo

Holy fucking Christ! Elmo is the goddamn devil. Period. Do you have small children at home? Do you still get the chance to sit around and watch Sesame Street? If so, you’re aware that Elmo and his grating excuse for a voice has taken to dominating the last 20 minutes of every episode with that shit-storm, Elmo’s World. See, when I was a kid there was no such thing as Elmo’s World. Hell, there was no such thing as Elmo! And you know something? Sesame Street was just fine. In fact, it was fantastic. That senile, old fart Mr. Hooper sold his groceries while Bert and Ernie went gay for each other and Big Bird convinced the world of his schizophrenia via conversations with his imaginary best friend. It was a simpler time; it was an Elmo-free time. Most of all, it was a time when all of Sesame Street’s residents got their due, as opposed to doting on a single, red-furred fuck.

Please, someone, explain the appeal to me! He annoys the hell out of everyone and laughs at his own bad jokes. (In fact, he’s exponentially worse than this guy who’s guilty of the same crime against humanity. Well, perhaps not “exponentially”; the two are on a fairly level playing field of awful.) He dominates the greatest children’s show of all time and speaks to us like we’re a bunch of fucking retards. Tickle you? In the words of the mighty Thor, “I say thee nay!” I would, however, be more than happy to do this…


“This is a death, la-la la-la, Elmo’s death…”

If you look back through recent history/pop culture, only two Elmos have reeked of any sort of relevance, and both were downright terrible and embarrassing. This Elmo…


“Look into your heart. Elmo, you are a mother(fucker).”

And this one…


“We’re alllllll gonna’ make it!”

(And for those of you who choose to defend St. Elmo’s Fire, I implore you to go to the bar scene inside St. Elmo’s, where a young Rob Lowe in cut-off sleeves plays himself a “mean” sax solo, followed by him putting his hands over his head and clapping before muttering the cringe-inducing phrase, “Let’s rock!” Next to Sally Kellerman popping, bobbing and snapping her way through the party scene in Back to School, this may be the most annoying piece of footage in the history of cinema.)

You folks reading this are adults now. You have a choice as to whether or not to pollute your home and birthday parties and balloon stores and kids’ clothing with the face of evil incarnate. That’s your business. Just remember, though, that someday little Billy’s going to turn three, and all he’ll want more than anything in the world is an Elmo birthday party, with an Elmo cake, Elmo plates and napkins, and, worst of all, real-life Elmo to show up and “entertain” him and his pals. In other words, Mom and Dad, prepare yourself for this…


“Look, everyone! Mommy’s doing ‘Da Butt’ with Elmo!”

Hero to children everywhere, indeed.

Well, that’ll just about do it. Until letter “F” crawls across the floorboards, have at it, you vultures!

BD

Advertisements

Responses

  1. That last picture is disturbing as fuck.

    • I don’t make the people, crotch; I just exploit them.

  2. My wife just informed me that “Elmo is the best.” And she wants to know how you feel about Mr. Noodle. I don’t know what that means, but I hope it’s not a euphemism…

    • Your wife is high, #19. As it turns out, my little girl loved Elmo when she was an infant. On Elmo’s World, Mr. Noodle is Elmo’s best friend. In fact, Mr. Noodle has a brother named (appropriately) Mr. Noodle. Anyway, my daughter so loved Elmo that she took to calling my brother “Uncle Noodle,” and still does to this day. It’s pretty cute, really, but Elmo’s still a dick.

  3. You know what else gets to me? When we were young, Mr. Snuffleuffagus, even though WE could see him, really WAS Big Bird’s imaginary friend. No one else on the show could see him or hear him. At some point he morphed into being real and now their all talking to him and calling him “Snuffy.” I liked it better when he was just a devil on Big Bird’s shoulder.

    Furthermore (now you’ve got me all worked up), I’ve always assumed Elmo is supposed to be some sort of replacement for Kermit. Kermit is like the Yoda of Sesame Street. Elmo, you sir, are no Kermit.

    All that said, the show is still amazing and I’m sad my kids have finally outgrown it.

    • Snuffy is the Stewie of Sesame Street. Sort of. And you are right: Elmo is no Kermit. Incidentally, I don’t think it’s an accident that “Elmo” sounds so much like “Hell no!”

  4. OMG I put “their” instead of “they’re.” Just . . . fuck.

  5. I HATE Elmo and I pray to God that our daughter does not embrace Elmo. If she does choose to like Elmo I hope it is Spanish Elmo. He is HILARIOUS!!!

  6. I know as a parent of a 5 year old and a 2 year old that I’m supposed to fully despise Elmo in the manner of this post. The problem is…I just can’t do it. For some reason, I sorta like him.

    I get the hate, and I really want to have the cool hipster opinion, but I just can’t bring myself to hate Elmo. Hope we can still be friends, but I understand either way!

    • That cuts, Craig. That cuts deeply, to the bone. You have hurt me, friend. All is lost.

      Believe me, once the two-year-old grows up and you know longer have to watch that red-headed Muppet fuck prance around with his high-pitched voice and arrogant ways, you will thank your lucky stars.

  7. I don’t have kids so I, and I do feel very lucky about this, have no knowledge of the state of Sesame Street. but 1/3 of the show belongs to Elmo now? That is a complete crime.

    Also, am I right in taking from what you’ve said that there is no more Snuffalfuagus? What? Snuffy was the best man. The Count is still there, right?


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: