Holy fucking Christ! Elmo is the goddamn devil. Period. Do you have small children at home? Do you still get the chance to sit around and watch Sesame Street? If so, you’re aware that Elmo and his grating excuse for a voice has taken to dominating the last 20 minutes of every episode with that shit-storm, Elmo’s World. See, when I was a kid there was no such thing as Elmo’s World. Hell, there was no such thing as Elmo! And you know something? Sesame Street was just fine. In fact, it was fantastic. That senile, old fart Mr. Hooper sold his groceries while Bert and Ernie went gay for each other and Big Bird convinced the world of his schizophrenia via conversations with his imaginary best friend. It was a simpler time; it was an Elmo-free time. Most of all, it was a time when all of Sesame Street’s residents got their due, as opposed to doting on a single, red-furred fuck.
Please, someone, explain the appeal to me! He annoys the hell out of everyone and laughs at his own bad jokes. (In fact, he’s exponentially worse than this guy who’s guilty of the same crime against humanity. Well, perhaps not “exponentially”; the two are on a fairly level playing field of awful.) He dominates the greatest children’s show of all time and speaks to us like we’re a bunch of fucking retards. Tickle you? In the words of the mighty Thor, “I say thee nay!” I would, however, be more than happy to do this…
“This is a death, la-la la-la, Elmo’s death…”
If you look back through recent history/pop culture, only two Elmos have reeked of any sort of relevance, and both were downright terrible and embarrassing. This Elmo…
“Look into your heart. Elmo, you are a mother(fucker).”
And this one…
“We’re alllllll gonna’ make it!”
(And for those of you who choose to defend St. Elmo’s Fire, I implore you to go to the bar scene inside St. Elmo’s, where a young Rob Lowe in cut-off sleeves plays himself a “mean” sax solo, followed by him putting his hands over his head and clapping before muttering the cringe-inducing phrase, “Let’s rock!” Next to Sally Kellerman popping, bobbing and snapping her way through the party scene in Back to School, this may be the most annoying piece of footage in the history of cinema.)
You folks reading this are adults now. You have a choice as to whether or not to pollute your home and birthday parties and balloon stores and kids’ clothing with the face of evil incarnate. That’s your business. Just remember, though, that someday little Billy’s going to turn three, and all he’ll want more than anything in the world is an Elmo birthday party, with an Elmo cake, Elmo plates and napkins, and, worst of all, real-life Elmo to show up and “entertain” him and his pals. In other words, Mom and Dad, prepare yourself for this…
“Look, everyone! Mommy’s doing ‘Da Butt’ with Elmo!”
Hero to children everywhere, indeed.
Well, that’ll just about do it. Until letter “F” crawls across the floorboards, have at it, you vultures!