Posted by: cousinbrandon | March 8, 2010

Hai(ku) Man On the Totem Pole: The Week in Twitter Haiku

Yeah, yeah. I know I’m supposed to fill up this space waxing poetic about the Oscars. Honestly, I tuned in for five minutes and was (un)lucky enough to catch Miley Cyrus present an award for Best Song, or something along those lines. In other words, I just don’t give a shit about watching awards shows. Sure, I think artists should be recognized for their contributions, but there’s something so completely self-serving about the ceremonial aspect of productions like the Oscars, Grammys, MTV Video Music Awards, etc. I would have to think the recognition worth a damn is the opinions of the people who matter to you, be them personal friends or people you admire and respect. Yes, I know that’s some part of what goes into the Oscars, for instance, but ceremonies like that one simply reek of ego-stroking and false laughter to me. I mean, here we’re given a room filled with celebrities who, for the most part, I feel are there out of necessity rather than genuine appreciation. Do they care if they win the Oscar? Sure. Are they genuinely pleased to see their competition beat them out? Not a fucking chance. Look, you can extend as much false applause and “It was an honor just being nominated” exclamations as you like, but I ain’t buying it. You got all dolled up for nothing. Seriously, did anyone think Christoph Waltz wouldn’t win Best Supporting Actor for Inglorious Basterds? Do you think his competition sat there last night expecting to hear their names called? Not a chance. But to not show up, to not applaud for Christoph, would be considered a social faux pas. The whole thing reeks of insincerity. Fuck you, Oscars!

This installment of haiku covers Monday, March1, 2010 through Sunday, March 7, 2010, covering booze almost entirely, as well as my daughter, religion, and long-distance masturbation. As always, you can find this collection here every Monday, or go on over and subscribe to my Twitter feed (@CousinBrandon). Thank you for flying Cousin Brandon Air.

What I Learned On Sunday When Twitter was Down Haiku (March 1, 2010)

I discovered my
daughter’s eyes are blue and that
I have a daughter.

It’s Simply Got That Je Ne Sais Quoi Haiku (March 2, 2010)

There’s something about
booze that makes me embrace my
alcoholism.

How to Increase My Daily Output Haiku (March 3, 2010)

I think I’d be more
productive if they outlawed
booze, Twitter and life.

The Bar’s Beer Special Isn’t Always a Beer Special Haiku (March 4, 2010)

Thank you for the six-
dollar pitchers. Your taps taste
of disinfectant.

There’s Something In the Air Haiku (March 5, 2010)

[Sniff.] What’s that smell? [Sniff.]
Wonderful. This Friday’s got
faint hints of Monday.

Existing In Multiple Time Zones Is Both Easy and Sexy Haiku (March 6, 2010)

Masturbated at
6 AM EST, 3
AM Pacific.

I’ve Up and Found Religion Haiku (March 7, 2010)

Today I’m going
to church. LOLJK.
I’m going to Hell.

That’ll do it for this week. Before I get out of here, though, I wanted to express my true sadness over the loss of Sparklehorse frontman Mark Linkous, who committed suicide on Saturday in Knoxville. If you’re unfamiliar with his work, I urge you to check out Good Morning, Spider and It’s a Wonderful Life. Sparklehorse never had much commercial success, but was a critically-acclaimed band. Over a decade ago, Linkous overdosed while on tour and was actually dead for a couple minutes. He came out of it, but was resigned to a wheelchair from then on. The New York Times posted a piece on Linkous and his suicide, which you can read here. Again, a really tragic tale of an artist I had mad respect for.

Until next time, have at it, you vultures!

BD

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