Posted by: cousinbrandon | March 22, 2010

(Hai)kumite: The Week in Twitter Haiku

Yes, that’s a Bloodsport reference.

I can’t figure out if I’m stuffed up and feeling like shit because A) the season’s changed; or B) I spent my Sunday cleaning my house and now my lungs are full of dust and cat dander. Either way, I couldn’t be more thrilled to be sitting at my desk and typing away like an ill, miserable bastard, or as I like to call it, “My Work Routine.” Yes, I know it’s cliche to complain about Monday, but I honestly have to wonder what sort of profession one might have in which said person is genuinely excited to show up for work Monday morning. I think the list must be a short one:

  • The guy who applies make-up to the models’ butts during a swimsuit shoot.

That’s it. That’s all I got. Seriously, who else is “stoked” about working on a Monday? Hell, movie stars are likely on set at 4 AM to get their make-up applied or re-shoot a scene. Coffee shop owners, even though they’re surrounded by all that delicious coffee, were at their shops at the ass-crack of dawn. I’m honestly stumped. Work is for suckers.

This installment of haiku covers Monday, March 15, 2010 through Sunday, March 21, 2010, covering March Madness, my daughter, home improvements, St. Patrick’s Day, masturbation, Doug Benson and LOST. As always, you can find this collection here every Monday, or go on over and subscribe to my Twitter feed (@CousinBrandon). It’s first come first serve over there, so I recommend you put down your pancake fork and give me a looksy.

What March Madness Really Means Haiku (March 15, 2010)

Having to listen
to Dick Vitale for three weeks.
My ears are bleeding.

My Daughter’s First Swimming Lesson Was a Rousing Success Haiku (March 16, 2010)

Only one lesson
in, I’m proud to report she’s
not a witch. Hooray!

Wishful Thinking Haiku (March 17, 2010)

I think I left the
coffee pot on. With any
luck, my house burns down.

What I Learned at the Bar On St. Patrick’s Day Haiku (March 18, 2010)

I’m still good at pool.
I’m still good at drinking. I
still hate dumb people.

How I Began My Friday Haiku (March 19, 2010)

I spent all morning
raging against the machine.
Now I need new sheets.

Saturdays In My 30s Aren’t the Same as Saturdays In My 20s Haiku (March 20, 2010)

Drinking coffee and
listening to Doug Benson.
And yet, I’m not stoned.

How to Live the Wild Life On a Sunday Morning Haiku (March 21, 2010)

Listening to a
LOST podcast at 6 AM
still makes me cool, right?

That’ll do it for this week. Until next time, have at it, you vultures!



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