Posted by: cousinbrandon | April 12, 2010

Three O’Clock Hai(ku): The Week in Twitter Haiku

Oh, where have you gone, Casey Siemaszko.

A lot has happened in the last couple weeks, so you’ll have to forgive my absence. If nothing else, I still managed to get my LOST blog up, so there’s that. It’s hard to believe that we’re only three days shy of Tax Day — which, frankly, we should be referring to as “The Ides of April,” no? — and I’ve yet to file my annual sadness. Don’t give me wrong; I’ve tried to file them. Three times, actually. Only TurboTax has taken it upon itself to reject my submission. Three times. The way I see it, this is the IRS’s way of telling me my taxes are unimportant, and that from here on out they don’t need or want my money. Thank you, IRS. I am happy to oblige your wishes. Now then, if you don’t hear from me from here on out you can contact me at the Pennsylvania State Penitentiary. It’s been fun.

This installment of haiku covers Monday, March 29, 2010 through Sunday, April 11, 2010, addressing hangovers, Diabetes, recurring nightmares, Philadelphia, internet absence, aging, the workplace, parenting, The Masters, breakfast and Sunday morning rituals. As always, you can find this collection here every Monday, or go on over and subscribe to my Twitter feed (@CousinBrandon). Look, it’s not my place to tell you what to do with your life, but by all means read my blog no less than 18 times daily. It’ll make you grow up big and strong.

Sometimes Alcohol Is Too On the Nose Haiku (March 29, 2010)

Yesterday’s Bloody
Marys were the precursor
to Bloody Monday.

Enjoy Your Medical Issues, Woman In Front of Me at Dunkin’ Donuts Haiku (March 30, 2010)

Large Caramel Iced
Coffee with extra sugar?!
Diabetes. Mmmm.

Experiencing Déjà Vu In the Workplace Haiku (March 31, 2010)

Sitting at my desk,
it’s as if I’ve been here (and
loathed my job) before.

Heading to the City of Brotherly Love Haiku (April 1, 2010)

where the mean streets are paved with
Cheez Whiz and urine.

What I Learned In My Internet Absence Haiku (April 4, 2010)

Three days sans Twitter.
Turns out there are actual
people out there. Weird.

Getting Sentimental In My Old Age Haiku (April 5, 2010)

Morning has broken,
and here I am without glue
or tape. Poor morning.

Returning to Work After a Five-Day Absence Haiku (April 6, 2010)

My inbox is full.
My desk is memo-covered.
My God, I hate this.

You’re a Cruel Mistress, Irony Haiku (April 7, 2010)

Hour-long meetings
just before lunchtime tend to
put me off my lunch.

The Undeniable Joys of Having a Small Child Haiku (April 8, 2010)

Nothing says “fuck you”
like, “Daddy, I peed in my
bed” at 2 AM.

My Recap of the The Masters, Day 1 Haiku (April 9, 2010)

Couples leading The
Masters in fewest strokes, Tiger
leading for most.

People of Twitter, Make Yourselves Useful Haiku (April 10, 2010)

Good Morning, Twitter.
How’d you sleep? Terrific. Now
make me beer and eggs.

How Most Dads Spend Their Day of Rest Haiku (April 11, 2010)

Sundays: when fathers
watch SportsCenter or brainwash
their parishioners.

Well, that’ll do it for this extended collection of “weekly” haiku. Until next time, have at it, you vultures!



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