Posted by: cousinbrandon | April 13, 2010

The Angry(er) Alphabet: Things I Hate, From A to Z (G)

(Silent) G

Shhh. You hear that? No. No you didn’t. Know why? Because silent “g” is a fucking asshole, that’s why!

Spelling is hard. What’s more, the English language is considered one of the most difficult languages to learn and master. Between its fucked out grammatical standards and strange verb conjugation, it’s amazing anyone can write or say anything that’s even remotely coherent. And so what does English do to make matters worse? It comes up with words featuring silent letters. Silent fucking letters! Consider this list:

  • Sign
  • Gnaw
  • Gnat
  • Gnome
  • Campaign
  • Reign
  • Design
  • Foreigner

Let’s start at the end. Foreigner? Really? Oh, the irony. And, no, not that foreigner…


“I’ve been waiting / for a letter like you / to make a fucking sound.”

You know who can’t spell foreigner? Foreigners! Look, English, your silent “g” isn’t doing anyone any favors. How about we go with the phonetic spelling of “forinurs” or some shit like that?! I mean, people get hooked on Phonics for a reason, and it’s not just the addictive, crack-like flavor.

And for God’s sake, why did the English language feel it necessary to include a silent “g” in the word “reign,” particularly when it’s also a homophone on top of it? And by the way, is there anything good about “rain” or “reign” in general? I mean, you’re either talking this…


Pacman Jones: Making it rain so you don’t have to.

Or you’re talking about this…


What’s more laughable: that Goodman did this picture or that Peter O’Toole signed on?!

And really, I think we can all agree that either option leaves up empty inside. Well, except for Goodman, who has never been empty inside.

All I know, silent “g”, is that your contributions have been pointless and I hereby declare you obsolete. And anytime you want to make your presence known as a letter of substance — as the “g” you have the power to be, what with your “gin” and such — by all means have your way with me. Until then, (g)o fuck yourself!

So until letter “H” hangs a right hook to your jawbone, have at it, you vultures!

BD

P.S. Please remind who among you suggested “Silent ‘G'” as I am old and can’t remember. I want to give you your due. Just leave me a comment here on the page. [UPDATE: The culprit has been located. See the comments section.]

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Responses

  1. I used to date a guy with a horrible ‘G’ last name.
    Grough. Pronounced “grow”. Not “gruff”. How ridiculous is that?

    We broke-up because of it. Not really, but who’d blame me if that were the case?

    • Perfectly reasonable rationale, lafix. Sure, it’s somewhat Seinfeld-ian, yet understandable nonetheless. With any luck, you also punched him in the gut.

  2. I think we should start looking at the letter N here. G seems to only get silent when N is around. I think there is some bullying going on in the alphabet.

    • They’re in cahoots, I tells ya’!

  3. Uh, you missed “rein” in the whole homophone discussion. Shameful.

    But on the subject of the varying “g” pronunciations, I’d be interested to know how you feel about “gh” being a “fff” sound.

    Personally, I like the silent G. I think it makes the spelling more interesting (I also like gerunds). Although, the best reference of “silent G” was in the Simpsons, when Bart’s Boy Band “The Party Posse” sang the song “Silent G”. Pure genius.

    [audio src="http://www.clayloomis.com/Sounds/simpsongs1/simsg423f.wav" /]

    • Well said, the malty, in that it’s one of the great, underrated episodes of The Simpsons to date. That song is brilliant. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t their manager’s name “L.T. Smash,” only to discover that it’s actually “LT. Smash”? Brilliant.

      There’s certainly an issue with the “gh” thing, as it should be “Ruff to the touch” as opposed to “Rough.” Again, phonetics.

      • That’s right – Lieutenant LT Smash.

        (actual quote)

  4. I suggested the “Silent G”; at (G)arrison’s

    • Kudos. In appreciation, I’m posting your phone number here so everyone can thank you. That’s cool, yes?

  5. Without design I would have no title at work. I totally concur on the silent g except for that one word. Dezine just looks wrong.

    • You make a fine point. You could always go old English with “Desi’n,” though I suppose that makes you look like Lucille Ball’s husband.


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