Shhh. You hear that? No. No you didn’t. Know why? Because silent “g” is a fucking asshole, that’s why!
Spelling is hard. What’s more, the English language is considered one of the most difficult languages to learn and master. Between its fucked out grammatical standards and strange verb conjugation, it’s amazing anyone can write or say anything that’s even remotely coherent. And so what does English do to make matters worse? It comes up with words featuring silent letters. Silent fucking letters! Consider this list:
Let’s start at the end. Foreigner? Really? Oh, the irony. And, no, not that foreigner…
“I’ve been waiting / for a letter like you / to make a fucking sound.”
You know who can’t spell foreigner? Foreigners! Look, English, your silent “g” isn’t doing anyone any favors. How about we go with the phonetic spelling of “forinurs” or some shit like that?! I mean, people get hooked on Phonics for a reason, and it’s not just the addictive, crack-like flavor.
And for God’s sake, why did the English language feel it necessary to include a silent “g” in the word “reign,” particularly when it’s also a homophone on top of it? And by the way, is there anything good about “rain” or “reign” in general? I mean, you’re either talking this…
Pacman Jones: Making it rain so you don’t have to.
Or you’re talking about this…
What’s more laughable: that Goodman did this picture or that Peter O’Toole signed on?!
And really, I think we can all agree that either option leaves up empty inside. Well, except for Goodman, who has never been empty inside.
All I know, silent “g”, is that your contributions have been pointless and I hereby declare you obsolete. And anytime you want to make your presence known as a letter of substance — as the “g” you have the power to be, what with your “gin” and such — by all means have your way with me. Until then, (g)o fuck yourself!
So until letter “H” hangs a right hook to your jawbone, have at it, you vultures!
P.S. Please remind who among you suggested “Silent ‘G'” as I am old and can’t remember. I want to give you your due. Just leave me a comment here on the page. [UPDATE: The culprit has been located. See the comments section.]