Posted by: cousinbrandon | May 26, 2010

Haiku as a Cucumber: The Week in Twitter Haiku

Oof! It’s been an action-packed couple of weeks, to say the very least. Apart from my typical inability to sleep, I’ve found myself flying to Austin to visit with my ladyfriend (who’s the cock of the block, mind you), trying to sell my home, working ridiculous hours, celebrating my birthday, hosting a LOST podcast, writing about (and ruminating over) LOST’s final episode and, of course, being a daddy. It’s taxing, I tell you. Am I complaining? Sure. Is most of this through anyone’s fault but my own? Of course not. Bottom line is this: I’m very, very tired. Fortunately, though, this sort of nonsense doesn’t keep me from churning out my other bit of nonsense, which is the writing of my good pal haiku. Do I need a six-day nap? Absolutely. Will I settle for a six-hour one? Of course. I’ll have to.

This installment of haiku covers two weeks’ worth of haiku (Monday, May 10, 2010 through Sunday, May 23, 2010), touching on Breaking Bad, birds, LOST, early morning flights, breakfast tacos, Antichrist, Tecate, post-vacation work, Miller High Life, cheese, We Live In Public, and, of course, hangovers. As always, you can find this collection here every Monday, or go on over and subscribe to my Twitter feed (@CousinBrandon). Sure, you can read these haiku below, all gift-wrapped for you in a nice, neat box. Of course, you could always run over to Twitter and do it the right way. Don’t make me beg. It’s not becoming.

My Biggest Complaint About the Awesomeness That Is Breaking Bad Haiku (May 10, 2010)

Does it make me a
monster that I can’t fucking
stand Walter, Jr.?

It Turns Out There’s a World Beyond the Internet Haiku (May 11, 2010)

I woke up to the
sound of twittering birds. No,
not THAT twittering!

My New Rating Scale for Last Night’s Episode of LOST Haiku (May 12, 2010)

On a scale of 1
to 10, “Across the Sea” gets
11 Limp Dicks.

Things to Do When Up at 3:30 AM to Catch a Flight Haiku (May 13, 2010)

Drink coffee. Despise
yourself. Despise the airlines.
Masturbate. And cry.

Your Bad Weather Means Nothing to Me, Austin Haiku (May 14, 2010)

No amount of rain
will keep me from enjoying
a breakfast taco.

My Response to Lars von Trier’s Antichrist Haiku (May 15, 2010)

Never before have
I seen such woman on penis
crime. Scarred for life.

What a Few Days In Austin Teaches One About Nutrition Haiku (May 16, 2010)

Man cannot live on
tacos alone. Tecate’s
also required.

Clearly I Hate Myself to No End Haiku (May 18, 2010)

Returning to work
post-vacation requires
guns, ammo and booze.

Realizing My Day Is Shit, It’s Nice to Know What Awaits Me Haiku (May 19, 2010)

Somewhere out there is
a 30-pack of High Life
named “Cousin Brandon.”

How In the Hell Did I Get From My House to My Job? Haiku (May 20, 2010)

Do you remember
all those High Lifes I drank last
night? Yeah, me neither.

The Contents of Last Night’s Dinner Haiku (May 21, 2010)

Eight varieties
of cheese and a ton of beer.
Health conscious, indeed.

My Thoughts On the Documentary I Watched Last Night Haiku (May 22, 2010)

We Live In Public:
inspirational film for
aspiring weirdos.

The New and Improved Golden Rule Haiku (May 23, 2010)

All that Miller High
Life and wine does not a good
Sunday morning make.

Well, that’ll do it for this week. The past two weeks, really. Until next time, have at it, you vultures!



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