Where has the time gone? I mean, somehow I managed to miss out on yet another week of haiku. I blame Memorial Day. The holiday, anyway. I had the day off last Monday and therefore avoided the weekly collection of Twitter haiku. Sue me. And what’s on tap this morning? Even more bullshit. See, I’m at my office right now for a goddamn conference call that kicks off shortly. And why is that total BS? Because we’re closed today for Staff Appreciation Day. In other words, my entire building is attending a picnic that doesn’t kick off until eleven o’clock or so, and yet here I am in my oven of an office spewing venom. Yeah, that’s fair.
This installment of haiku covers two weeks’ worth of haiku (Monday, May 24, 2010 through Sunday, June 6, 2010), touching on the end of LOST, murder, prospective homeowners, The Beatles vs. The Monkees, Monsturd, Cornhole, exercise, Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, insomnia, Jim Joyce, yard sales and Blow. As always, you can find this collection here every Monday, or go on over and subscribe to my Twitter feed (@CousinBrandon). Now put on your big boy pants and follow me on Twitter already.
Things to Do With My Newfound Free Time Haiku (May 24, 2010)
The Smoke Monster. FLocke.
Man in Black. Just thinking of
new names for my wang.
Looking for Some Clarity On the Definition of Words Haiku (May 25, 2010)
Is it considered
“murder” if your neighbor’s an
My Typical Greeting to Prospective Buyers Haiku (May 26, 2010)
“Welcome to my home.
Feel free to make an offer.
If not, please, fuck off!”
The Simplest Test to See If We Can Be Friends Haiku (May 27, 2010)
If you’re debating
between The Beatles and The
Monkees, go away.
My Review of the Movie Monsturd Haiku (May 28, 2010)
Oddly enough, it
was a complete and total
piece of donkey shit.
How My Pals and I Spent Our Friday Night Haiku (May 29, 2010)
Last night we drank, grilled
food, played Cornhole and board games
and, No, I’m not gay!
I Think I’m Officially Requiring Some Type of Intervention Haiku (May 30, 2010)
I’m going jogging.
On Sunday, 7 AM.
CALL AN EXCORCIST!!!
My Summary of Brief Interviews with Hideous Men Haiku (May 31, 2010)
Men are huge assholes.
Women are manipulative
assholes. The End.
What Makes You So Goddamn Special, Beatles? Haiku (June 1, 2010)
“I’m so tired, I
haven’t slept a wink.” Yeah? Well,
me neither, Lennon!
An Open Letter to My Insomnia Haiku (June 2, 2010)
AM: Do me a favor
and go fuck yourself.
Is There Such a Thing as a Suicide Watch for Umpires? Haiku (June 3, 2010)
Someone better keep
an eye on that guy before
he goes Donnie Moore.
Thoughts On the Yard Sale I’m Having Tomorrow Morning Haiku (June 4, 2010)
Putting out all of
my old shit so weirdos can
call it their new shit.
So, I Got to Do a Lot of This During Today’s Yard Sale Haiku (June 5, 2010)
“No, Sir, I won’t take
$2 instead of 20.
This isn’t Wal-Mart.”
My Thoughts on Blow Haiku (June 6, 2010)
Johnny Depp’s Boston
accent’s better than Mark Wahlberg’s,
who’s from Boston.
Well, that’ll do it for this installment. Until next time, have at it, you vultures!