Posted by: cousinbrandon | June 15, 2010

The Angry(er) Alphabet: Things I Hate, From A to Z (I)

Interviews

When I hear the word “interview,” my brain immediately goes to job interviews, where we’re forced to endure the typical litany of unbelievably stupid questions:

  • What’s your worst quality?
  • Where do you see yourself in five years?
  • Why do you want to be a part of our company?
  • Would you be willing to blow me for the position?

You know, the usual bullshit. It’s absolutely gut-wrenching to endure. You get all dolled up and sweat your balls off for a complete stranger you’ll never likely see again, and if you do it’s only because that asshole hired you, in which case you’ll see him on a daily basis and end up wishing death upon him and his family. So, yeah, job interviews pretty much suck.

But, see, here’s the thing: there are other types of interviews. And you know what? They’re equally bad if not worse. Take, for instance, this fuckery:


“Every day is a new day. We just come out to the park and play hard.”

I love baseball. I’m a fantasy baseball junkie. And you know what? None of these fucks ever has a single goddamn thing of interest to say. (Well, except for this guy and this guy. And by the way, am I crazy or is Josh Beckett the spitting image of my pal, Chuck?) Every post-game interview goes exactly like this:

Interviewer: “Congratulations on tonight’s win.”

MLB Player: “Thanks. It was a good win for the club.”

Interviewer: “You guys are on a nice streak. How do you explain it?”

MLB Player: “Well, we’ve got a lot of guys in this clubhouse who play hard and believe we can win. Every day at the ballpark is a new day and we just come out and play hard. Also, we just believe in ourselves and play hard.”

Interviewer: “[Insert pitcher’s name] has been outstanding recently. How do you explain his turnaround from last season?”

MLB Player: “Well, [Insert same pitcher’s last name with a “y” tacked onto the end of it, thus indicating it’s a nickname] has been hitting all his spots. He’s been filthy. He’s put a lot of work in and really believes he can win. He’s out there playing hard every fifth day. We just gotta’ come through with some hits and we know we can win with him on the mound.”

Interviewer: “What’s the mindset of the club from here on out?”

MLB Player: “Just to come out every day and play hard. We play in the toughest division in baseball. We just gotta’ hang in there and play hard every day, because every day is a new day.”

Interviewer: “Alright, thanks for your time, [Insert player’s name].”

MLB Player: “You got it, [Insert interviewer’s last name, with a “y” tacked onto the end].”

And scene. So, what have we learned from this? Two things: 1) People conducting interviews with athletes ask the worst, most vanilla and benign questions imaginable; and 2) Baseball players are fucking morons. Sorry, but the majority of them having nothing of interest or value to say, and when they do say anything beyond the stock response, they’re either villified or come off like an arrogant prick, a la this guy.

And by the way, let’s not forget about yet another type of interview:


“So, uh, tell us about your corn.”

Look, anytime there’s a local news team involved, and the background revolves around someone’s crops, run for cover because you’re about to be boredom-fucked! Do I have mad respect for farmers? Of course I do. And you know what else? I don’t ever need to see yet another news team put together a profile on some old coot who grew the county’s biggest watermelon in 72 years. Seriously, this is the news, yes? Let’s not confuse the term “news” with “human interest fluff bullshit.” And perhaps even worse are those goddamn man-on-the-street interviews, that typically end up like this. I don’t give a good godddamn about you or your weird-hatted friend, Ed Ort!

I could prattle on for hours on end, complaining about the inane interviews that clog up our television screens from dawn till dusk, but why bother. You really want to know my thoughts on interviews? Put a dipshit with a microphone in front of me so I can tell him to fuck off. I’m Cousin Brandon, and that’s news to me.

Well, there you have it. Letter “I” has gone and made a mess of things. So until “J” drops bombs on your moms, have at it, you vultures!

BD

* Special thanks to Mrs. Grumpy for the kick-ass suggestion.

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Responses

  1. two words: ron artest.

  2. two more: bob knight.

    • Look, I’ll admit there are exceptions to the rule, but let’s face it: almost every response in the world of sports is canned bullshit.

  3. most. but you’re grouping shit like golf and baseball into the category of sports. there just aren’t any real characters in those “sports.” football, basketball, there’s always at least one legitimate headcase on each team who can strike gold at any time.

    i’ll tell you what the fucking worst offense of all is, though: the halftime and/or sideline interview. 100 % failure ratio. just horrible, horrible shit every time. i think you may have even written about that before…

    • Jesus, I’m ashamed of myself for not writing about the sideline interview, as that’s the most worthless pile of shit of all time, regardless of the sport. I mean, it’s absolutely useless information force-fed to us by porn star, er, “reporter” Erin Andrews. Just horseshit.

      And for the record, you’ve clearly never heard interviews from the likes of Milton Bradley, Josh Beckett, Carl Everett, Mitch Williams, etc. For God’s sake, Everett came out and said he didn’t believe in dinosaurs!!!

  4. i’ve never heard of those guys, period. but, dinosaurs? that’s got tyson-like potential. i’m going to have to dig around on youtube for that piece.

  5. Thank You. It is ALWAYS the same bullshit response they give, and never changes. The interviews that are worse, however, are with the broads who are the ‘sideline reporters’ that interview the coach at halftime. “I interviewed (coach’s name) at halftime, and he said that they need to keep working hard, and they will ultimately win.” Thanks hun, now go back to being the irrelevant POS that you are.

    Oh, by the way, big fan.

    • As you, 18nalax, and crohrer666 both pointed out, I carelessly missed sideline reporters in my column. Those are by FAR the worst interviews of all. They don’t add a goddamn thing to the event. Perhaps even more embarrassing is to see a guy like Chris Myers 10 rows up at Fenway adding nothing but his annoying voice and immovable mop of hair.

      Thanks for reading, and I appreciate the kind words.

  6. Speaking as someone involved in journalism as a reporter… Well, I can’t really defend my industry. Sorry. Television is the worst offender, since the ability to look presentable and the contempt for the audience (“People are too stupid to pay attention for more than 30 seconds!”) results in absolute shit being produced.

    • Well I greatly appreciate your ability to call out your own business practice. Seriously, those human interest pieces/man-on-the-street interviews are worthless.

      “Sir, what do you think about Obama’s new health care plan?”
      “Umm, I like cheese.”
      “Great. Back to you, Phil.”

      • heh, Yeah. I have to do that kind of stuff too, but because print is my medium, I can at least edit out the mundane.

        Even then, I will say that people tend to always remember themselves in a more entertaining and informative light. It sometimes takes confronting people with tape recorded bits of themselves to convince them of their idiocy.

        • Fortunately, there are people like me who always remember themselves in a positive light!

          [Who am I kidding? I’m pathetic.]

  7. Off topic, but I can’t stop thinking about Will Ferrell doing, I think it was, Dan Fouts doing analysis. “The team who puts the most points on the board has a really good chance of winning this game.”

    I will say that I like to think as I’m watching these just awful interviews of baseball players that often there are teammates counting the number of times certain things like “work hard” and “one game at a time” seeing if someone can set some record and when someone crosses a threshold everyone has to buy him beer or bow to his dominance of interview cliche-ing or something.

    Great installment Brandon. Take it easy man.

    • Ha! Good stuff. And as far as the “secret” challenge among players, I’d at least respect that as opposed to their constant restating of the obvious. Goddamned robots!

      • It actually is one of the things that elevates my opinion of Vlad Guerrero. From what I hear he just pretends to not know how to speak english as a way to avoid doing those ridiculous interviews.

        • Well, that was pretty much Manny’s move forever.

          • True. I’m glad he started talking though, it does help that I’m no fan of the Dodgers. I get to just sit back and enjoy him saying ridiculous things with the added bonus that I get to throw them in my buddy’s face while he casually jogs after a ball over his head… and hits .280… for $20 million a year.

  8. ron artest, post game interview last night:

    “Well, first of all I want to thank everybody in my hood. I definitely want to thank my doctors … my psychiatrist, she really helped me relax a lot.”

    • Again, Ron Ron is the exception, not the rule. That guy’s fucking hysterical!

      • I was so happy when I first heard he was coming to Los Angeles. That dude is gold when he’s in the right mood.


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