Posted by: cousinbrandon | June 28, 2010

(Hai-)Coup d’état: The Week in Twitter Haiku

Now that the US has been knocked out of the World Cup (following some horrible backline “defense”), please do me a favor, Americans: stop pretending to care about soccer. Look, I love soccer. I played for nine years. I think the World Cup is, arguably, the greatest sports competition to watch. And when the United States is actually in contention,the camaraderie absolutely fantastic. But to tell me, America, that you give a good god damn about soccer on a general, everyday level is ridiculous. Sure, I understand why the MLS is trying to capitalize on the success of the World Cup. But to go to a bar yesterday and see Seattle/Philadelphia playing rather than baseball? Please. That’s just ludicrous. What’s more, can someone please explain the 20-something American douchebag a couple stools down sporting his Klose jersey? Look, asshole, am I to be impressed that you own a jersey of, quite possibly, the greatest soccer player in the world? Why don’t you just don an Alex Rodriguez jersey or a Kobe Bryant tank top? It’s called front-running, asshole. What’s more, you fucking Nazi, this is America. You’re clearly an American. What in the hell are you doing supporting the German squad?! Bottom line, I hate people.

This installment of haiku covers Monday, June 21, 2010 through Sunday, June 27, 2010. Among this week’s topics are Father’s Day, pool, Married with Children, World Cup, Mary Poppins, Star Trek and the USA loss to Ghana. As always, you can find this collection here every Monday, or go on over and subscribe to my Twitter feed (@CousinBrandon). I refuse to beg. Much.

Can I Put In a Request for Next Year’s Father’s Day? Haiku (June 21, 2010)

Instead of brunch with
my family, how about
a case of High Life?

Cheers to the Women We Played in Pool Haiku (June 22, 2010)

Thank you, Lesbians.
You were, hands downs, the coolest
dudes we’ve played against.

The Interesting Facts Married with Children Continues to Teach Me Haiku (June 23, 2010)

Peggy Bundy was
Peggy Wanker and came from
Wanker County?! Huh.

A USA World Cup Headline That Writes Itself Haiku (June 24, 2010)

Should we lose in the
knockout round, expect to read
this: “Ghana-rea!”

Mary Poppins was Hip to the World Cup Haiku (June 25, 2010)

As it turns out, ♫ a
shitload of soccer helps the
Twitter site go down. ♫

My Thoughts On the Star Trek Remake Haiku (June 26, 2010)

I call bullshit. I
sat through the whole movie and
no Boba Fett?! Lame.

What I Learned as a Result of the USA/Ghana Match Haiku (June 27, 2010)

Our Fullbacks are more
like Emptybacks. Thanks, Defense,
for not playing some.

Well, it looks like we’re all out of gas this week. Until next time, have at it, you vultures!

BD

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