Posted by: cousinbrandon | July 19, 2010

Ha(i)kuna Matata: The Week(s) in Twitter Haiku

Yesterday I had the opportunity to take in my very first in-person game of the baseball season. Well, sort of. I don’t know that seeing the Baltimore Orioles and Toronto Blue Jays constitutes “baseball,” but you get my drift. I went to Camden Yards along with my brother and my cousins, Matt and Josh. We had unbelievable seats: just beyond the third base bag, five rows back. And you know what I rediscovered about baseball, particularly when you don’t give a good goddamn about the teams playing? Heckling whoops ass. The four of us sat out in the 95-degree sun talking shit to the likes of Toronto 2B Aaron Hill and newly-acquired SS Yunel Escobar, who was good enough to not only hit a grand slam but actually acknowledge us with a head nod. Thanks, YE. I really enjoyed talking trash to the Blue Jays’ third base coach, whose last name was Butterfield. I have no clue who he is, but thanks for having the great name, sir. In any event, I also wanted to wish Cousin Josh a happy birthday, as he’s celebrating his 38th today. Godspeed, my good man.

This installment of haiku covers Monday, June 28, 2010 through Sunday, July 18, 2010. Among the topics covered in this installment are humidity, the Hoveround®, my job, Cornhole®, The Cove, drunk people, the 4th of July, Weezer, oil leaks, LeBron James, breakfast tacos, Austin, kids on a plane, the ESPYs, ex-wives, The Sure Thing and the Baltimore Orioles. As always, you can find this collection here every Monday, or go on over and subscribe to my Twitter feed (@CousinBrandon). Make a choice. Live with it. Hell, make it a second time. As long as it ends with you, me and Twitter.

O, Humidity, How You Suck Ass Haiku (June 28, 2010)

Nothing says Summer-
time like sweating profusely
after a shower.

Is His Name Ironic or Did He Have It Legally Changed? Haiku (June 29, 2010)

How is it even
possible the Hoveround®
was made by Tom Kruse?!

“Work” I Did at Work Today While the Network was Down Haiku (June 30, 2010)

Ran some errands. Talked
fantasy baseball. Complained
about my job. Cried.

Revisiting the Discussion I Had with My Girlfriend This Morning Haiku (July 1, 2010)

Tried to explain why
I prefer Cornhole® to Baggo®.
Also, I’m gay.

My Sentiments After Watching The Cove Haiku (July 2, 2010)

While my heart went out
to those poor dolphins, I’ll still
fuck up some sushi.

To the Drunk Who Called Me “Asshole” at the Bar Last Night Haiku (July 3, 2010)

Umm, hey there, Drunky
McNobuttons: it appears
your shirt is broken.

Reflection On Yesterday’s Massive 4th of July Party Haiku (July 4, 2010)

The best part was the
“bring a kid, take a kid” creed.
I have a son now!

Already Nostalgic and Yet Still Looking Ahead to Labor Day Haiku (July 5, 2010)

With the 4th behind
me, I can now focus on
my next binge and purge.

Returning to Work After a Three-Day Weekend Haiku (July 6, 2010)

The coffee still tastes
like ass and my cube reeks of
despair. Home Sweet Home.

A Reflection On What Was Once Great Gone Horribly Wrong Haiku (July 7, 2010)

Weezer needs more “My
Name is Jonas” and less “My
Name is Terrible.”

Will My Personal Woes Never End? Haiku (July 8, 2010)

My basement reeks of
oil, and not the good kind:
fried bacon-scented.

My Interpretation of the LeBron James Decision Haiku (July 9, 2010)

Me me me me me.
Me me me, me me me me.
Me me me. Me. Me.

Stray Observation on Austin, Texas Haiku (July 10, 2010)

Where the amount of
hip is equaled only by
breakfast taco joints.

The State of Texas is Some Sort of Revelation Haiku (July 11, 2010)

After two days in
Austin, wish I was a
fugitive musician.

To the Child Who Sat Next to Me on Yesterday’s Flight Haiku (July 14, 2010)

The next time your arm
touches mine, you’ll enjoy the
art of skydiving.

Trying to Process the Need for the ESPY Awards Haiku (July 15, 2010)

Call me crazy, but
isn’t their “award” the ring
at the season’s end?

Sometimes a Metaphor is Too On the Nose For a Reason Haiku (July 16, 2010)

Call me cynical,
but all ex-wives are the ex-
wives of the world.

The Lack of Continuity in The Sure Thing Haiku (July 17, 2010)

Why are college kids
in the same English class post-
Christmas break?! Bullshit!

To Do List for Today’s Blue Jays/Orioles Game Haiku (July 18, 2010)

Sunscreen? Check. Baseball
mitt? Check. Total lack of self-
respect? Double check.

Man, that’s a shit-ton of haiku. Hope to be back on schedule in the coming weeks, but who knows, what with life always getting in the way. Until next time, have at it, you vultures!


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