Posted by: cousinbrandon | August 2, 2010

(Hai-)ku World: The Week(s) in Twitter Haiku

Yes, that title is an allusion to this shitfest.

I apologize for failing to once again deliver last Monday, but I was at the beach. Fenwick Island, Delaware, to be exact. Including the seven (yes, seven) kids there all under the age of seven, ten adults made the trip. And wouldn’t you know, I was lucky enough to be the only one there sans significant other. So what did that mean? It meant that I got to spend five days with my daughter while my single mother attempted to give me parenting tips. Word of advice, folks: don’t take your single parents with you on vacation. Their parental instincts go into overdrive, and in the end they force you to drink. Well, they force you to drink more. So, yeah, I took to the bottle like a champ, left my credit card at the Crab Bag in Ocean City, Maryland, collected a shit-ton of shells on the beach for the kids, watched Matt Garza throw a no-hitter, took the children to a kids’ Happy Hour in Ocean City, went out on the Sea Rocket and got burnt to a crisp. Good times.

This installment of haiku covers Monday, July 19, 2010 through Sunday, August 1, 2010, touching on the Blue Jays and Orioles aftermath, my pool league, the custodial engineer at my job, contempt for people, passing out, beach plans, beach aftermath, hangovers, Inception and eggplant parmesan. As always, you can find this collection here every Monday, or go on over and subscribe to my Twitter feed (@CousinBrandon). No matter your choice, you will find yourself so fresh and so clean (clean).

After Sitting Five Rows Back at Yesterday’s O’s Game Haiku (July 19, 2010)

Thanks for all the laughs,
Orioles. It’s so cute how
you try to play sports.

To the “Gentleman” in the Goatee I Shot Pool Against Haiku (July 20, 2010)

Classier move: That
you were coked up, or that your
two-year-old was there?

My Day Has Already Been Ruined By the Maintenance Man Haiku (July 21, 2010)

Your talk of “putting
on a raincoat” and fucking
just made my ears bleed.

I’ve Had My Fill of People Haiku (July 22, 2010)

To make things easier,
I am changing my name
to “Gofuckyourself.”

My Skills Are Totally Limited, Yet Impressive Haiku (July 23, 2010)

I’m an expert at
waking up on my couch fully-
clothed and confused.

What You Can Expect from My Beach Vacation Haiku (July 24, 2010)

Five days, four nights and
seven children under eight.
I’ll be at the bar.

O, What a Glorious Beach Vacation Haiku (July 29, 2010)

Sunburned on my back.
Lost my voice in the ocean.
Fucked a manatee.

I Think I’ve Got This Science Thing Figured Out Haiku (July 30, 2010)

This headache is my
body’s way of telling me
I should drink all day.

After Watching Inception, My Take On Its Director Haiku (July 31, 2010)

Christopher Nolan
is equal parts lunatic
and awesome-o-tron.

A Relatively Clear Indication That I’ve Been Drinking Haiku (August 1, 2010)

I decided to
cook eggplant parmesan at
10 o’clock last night.

That’ll do it for this installment. Until next time, have at it, you vultures!




  1. I’ve got to respect anyone who cops to Manatee love. Well played, sir.

  2. Good job but;

    Dear Douchebag CB
    Where are the Mad Men Recaps?
    Stop jerking to Joan

    Seriously. I want a refund, because your promised Mad Men and gave me nothing!

    • I’m taking the Mike Dell approach and pleading that I’m very busy. Seriously, I’m out of my mind busy these days. Well, stressed. Well, lazy. Either one.

  3. Geez, I just read back what I wrote, and it was a little harsh.

    You’re not a douchebag. You’re a enema.

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