Posted by: cousinbrandon | August 10, 2010

The Angry(er) Alphabet: Things I Hate, From A to Z (L)

Las Vegas

Welcome, friends, to the excitement of the ever-seductive Las Vegas. Finally, a chance for you, ladies, to meet all sorts of eligible, suave bachelors like these fellas…

Ed Hardy t-shirt? Check. Jeans? Check. Drakkar Noir? Check. Douche-osity? Double-check.

Oh, but we haven’t forgotten about you, gentlemen, as the bride-to-be and these happy-go-lucky gals are all to eager to wave hello…

“Wait, I know! We should go to Vegas for your bachelorette party, ’cause it’s your last chance to look and act like a total fucking whore! Am I right, whores?”

Take in the Las Vegas nightlife by enjoying one of its fantastic live performances…

Don’t take my word for it; take Patton Oswalt’s.

What’s more, don’t forget we’re the magic capital of the world…

Watch as Criss Angel magically makes you wish murder was legal.

And let’s not forget, friends, that Las Vegas is home to all sorts of bigtime Hollywood productions like this one…

Hey, look! It’s what’s-his-face and what’s-her-face in that show no one watches. Awesome!

And this one…

Um, couldn’t the two of you have just stayed in Las Vegas? Like, in a hole in the desert?

And, of course, no trip to Vegas would be complete without hitting the casino floor. And what could be better than taking in a few days of hot, non-stop poker action featuring star-power like this…

Go away, Poker. Please, go away. Get off of ESPN. Get off of television. Quit pretending you matter. Quit pretending you’re anything more than douchebags with addictions.

Not to mention getting the opportunity to sit down at the poker table with one of our most beloved celebrities…

“Wow! It’s Jason Alexander, who played George Costanza on Seinfeld. And played Jason Alexander as George Costanza on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Do you think he works here?”

If this doesn’t whet your whistle to run to your travel agent and immediately book a flight to glorious Las Vegas, I don’t know what will. Because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Sorry, that awesome catch-phrase makes my sides split every time.

Well, folks, I hope you enjoyed your tour of beautiful (fucking terrible) Las Vegas. So until letter “M” takes a dump on your chest, have at it, you vultures!


*Thanks to my pal, #19, for the fine suggestion of Las Vegas. Give his blog and radio show a look, won’t you?



  1. Wow, look at you giving me credit and everything. But don’t forget, whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas… except for the genital warts. Those follow you home.

    • Don’t I know it!

  2. The most telling thing about Vegas is that they have hotels that allow you pretend you’re somewhere else. Ohhhhh, let’s go to Vegas and see the Eiffel Tower, the Statue of Liberty, the Sphinx, and The Ed’s genital warts.

    • Good point. If I wanted to go to those places, I’d have gone to those places. Or Epcot Center.

  3. I can’t follow you down this road man. I do agree that Vegas is flawed for all of the reasons that you listed, but when I think of Vegas I think of a great place to eat and drink and lose way more than I win. It’s true that more than 2 days in Vegas makes me start to feel grosser and grosser at a really rapid rate, but for a quick weekend trip it’s a lot of fun once or twice a year. Vegas isn’t the best at anything and it was well said to put it as Epcot-esque, but I think that Vegas is a amusement park of sorts. It’s a big, often quite douche-y, money trap, but the food is good and the drink is good and gambling, though admittedly I am just handing my wallet to the house then going to the atm to give them more, is a whole lot of fun for some crazy reason. Actually I’m pretty psyched that my wife and I are planning on going in October. Burger Bar, Tacos and Tequila, a stop at the aquarium, the sports book. Awesome weekend.

    • Bottom line is this: Vegas certainly has its positive attributes. There’s no denying that. But Vegas MUST be experienced gingerly and in small doses. I’ve been there five times myself, each time returning drunk, sick and broke. Why? Because Vegas is TOO MUCH of a good thing. There’s TOO much booze. There’s TOO much gambling. There’s TOO much debauchery and disregard for morals. It’s a death trap, really. It’s more false than Hollywood and more littered with horrible people per capita. Everyone out there thinks they’ll strike it rich only to return a few days later heartbroken and defeated. Again, for a couple days, and with the right group of people, it can be fantastic. The sports book? The craps table? Sure. But after a couple days, forget it.

      • We can definitely agree there. It’s the candy store for an 8 year old with a $50 in his pocket, and the ability to take out a small business loan. I can’t be in Vegas for more than 2 days. My soul starts dieing if it goes any longer than that. I also agree about the plasticity of the city being pretty ridiculous.

        Ahh the sports book. One of these days I’m going to have to figure out the craps thing. I’ve never really tried to figure it out, but it doesn’t make a lick of sense to me. Looks like a whole lot of fun though.

        • Well, in all honesty, I’ve secretly always wanted to sit in at one of the poker tables but never got up the nerve. Furthermore, for all those shitballs that loved the movie Rounders, are we really to believe that Teddy KGB is this unscrupulous, amazing card player, yet he’s got the most obvious fucking tell for all of time? What’s more, the Matt Damon’s voiceover about spotting his tell is total bullshit. It sounds so completely contrived and false.

          As far as the Craps goes, I can’t recommend it enough. There are still aspects of it I don’t understand, but it’s relatively simple to make the standard bets. For instance, once the shooter rolls a number other than 2, 3 or 12 (which are all craps) or 7 or 11 (which is an instant “win”), he establishes the point (4, 5, 6, 8, 9 or 10). You typically want to put money on the Pass line, meaning you think the shooter will make the point before he craps out (rolls a 7, which at that point is the only “bad” number). You can make other bets, like the come bet, don’t pass line, yo bets, hard numbers, etc., but your main focus is typically the pass line. Honestly, it’s the best game in the house (and pays the best odds).

          • Thanks for the breakdown on craps. That sounds reasonable. I’ve always though, while watching from the three card poker or blackjack table that I’m most likely getting absolutely raped on at the time, that everyone at the craps table seems to be having a good time. I just always forget to ask before I’m standing in front of the table watching the game go by. I’ll definitely give it a shot next time we’re in Vegas.

            The poker table thing isn’t that bad. I’ve only sat down once, and it was at a simple table with limits and where you started with $60 to $100 or so. About as low pressure as you find there. I was nervous about getting cleaned out really fast too because of shark-ish behavior (I also always pictured Rounders, and particularly that scene where all those players sat down at the same table and cleaned out the tourists as they passed through), but when I’m playing well I’m just playing the odds on the cards that I have tightly. I have a friend who is decent at pinning down what you’re trying to do by reading the player and their tendencies and measuring with what’s on the table, but the way I see it if my cards are better than his it doesn’t matter how he’s reading me. At any rate, it was fun. I actually cleaned my wife off the table which gave me some good bragging rights. I didn’t stay long but I left a little ahead. I’ve actaully always meant to try it again. I recommend it, but I would definitely play a tight game. Chances are at least a couple people at any table you sit at play quite a bit of poker.

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