Posted by: cousinbrandon | August 19, 2010

Quid Pro Bro: Results of the 2nd Annual Brolympics (Part 2)

Click here to return to Part 1 of “Quid Pro Bro.”

Due to the ankle injury, we decided to forego Bowling, at least temporarily, and instead moved on to…

Event 5: Cornhole


  • Best 3 games out of 5;
  • Games played to 21;
  • “Skunk” in effect (meaning 11-0 wins the game); and
  • Must win game by 2 points.

Amazing, really, that just like last year, Josh and I were in the hole 3-1 after four events. Knowing we took Cornhole in the first Brolympics, I was feeling pretty good about this year, especially because I knew it would be tough on Mitch’s ankle to push off and throw the bags. Well, as it turned out, he did an admirable job. Sure, he had to sit down in plastic patio chair between turns, but he competed nonetheless. What’s more, his meds (and beers) were clearly kicking in, so the pain most definitely subsided to a degree.

Mitch and I threw from one side with Matt and Josh at the other. And while I hadn’t been playing much lately, I still felt like I was going to play well. And sure enough, I did. Josh started out a bit slowly, but fortunately so did Matt. By game 2, though, both Josh and Matt found their games. And even though Matt came on strong in game 3, Josh’s consistency along with my dominance over the cripple proved to be too much. It took us four games to dispatch of Mitch and Cousin Matt, but we were right back in this thing through five events. Game on, bitches!

Love this photo. That’s Mitch’s bag, mid-flight, in the upper right-hand corner.

Cousin Matt (and his Jordan-esque tongue) prepares to throw.

Me, post-bag release. (Sweet Jesus, that sounded pornographic!)

Cousin Josh and Brandon, right back in this thing, sporting our whoop-ass, black Brolympics shirts (designed by Cousin Matt).

Cornhole Final Score: J & B defeat M & M, 3-1

Event MVP: Brandon

Overall Score: M & M lead J & B, 3-2

Event 6: Pool


  • Race to 5 (first team to 5 games wins);
  • 8-Ball (must call pockets); and
  • Alternate shot; and
  • Scratch on the 8-Ball is a loss only if cue ball is also pocketed.

The next wave events were all bar games, scheduled to take place at P.J. Henry’s in Ardmore, PA. I had been there once before, about 5 years ago, back when I was temporarily living with Matt and Josh. It was pretty dead inside, which meant we’d have the run of the place and the use of their pool tables, dart boards and shuffle board table. First on the agenda was Pool, and I knew this one wouldn’t be pretty based on last year’s showing. Mitch and I still play in a league, and I know that Matt plays to an extent and can actually shoot. Josh? Not so much. He’s not a pool guy and doesn’t pretend to be. And, well, he proved it. Sure enough, though, it wasn’t me or Mitch who proved our mettle in pool, but Cousin Matt. He made a bevvy of great shots and was consistent throughout the match. Me and Mitch were both off to an extent. Sure, we both made shots here and there, but neither one of us went on impressive runs.

It seemed we were down 4-0 in the blink of an eye. Again, Josh wasn’t making much of anything, I couldn’t really get going, and Matt was carrying the other team. We managed to get it to 4-1 and I got us down to the 8-ball in the following game. Josh had a shot on the 8-ball to get us to 4-2, but unfortunately he missed the ball completely and Matt, who was also on 8-ball, didn’t miss. In other words, we took a goddamn whooping in pool and lost 5-1. Ugh.

The funniest/most annoying part of Pool was this older drunk guy sitting at the bar who was watching our match, yet clearly didn’t understand we had a competition going on. I mean, how could he have known? It’s not like four guys in matching t-shirts with “Brolympics” emblazened across the front would be a dead giveaway or anything. During the first game of Pool, Josh missed a shot on the 8-ball and the guys shouted “Loser!” or something to that effect. It took every part of me to bite my tongue, and I only did so because my brother has spoken to me on more than one occasion about keeping my trap shut, as I tend to mouth off to strangers. Well, wouldn’t you know it was my brother who responded and challenged the guy to a match. Fortunately, old drunk guy didn’t realize it. During our match, he approached us and asked if he could “have winners,” but I immediately said, “No, we’re in the middle of something.” Again, drunk and not comprehending that we had a competition going on, he stormed to the change machine, got quarters, and plugged them into the pool table next to ours. The best part? He was so drunk and angry that he was slamming the balls into the rack to make some kind of weird point. Even better was that he was so wasted that he kept missing the rack and balls kept falling off the table and rolling all over the floor of the bar. As it turns out, despite his inebriation, I was watching him shoot and he was really pretty good. Why the bartender continued to serve him, though, I have no idea.

One more note during our match. Between games, the balls got stuck and wouldn’t come out of the slot. We told the bartender who told her manager. He walked over to fix it, and while I assumed he’d pull out the key and just unlock the balls, he instead used his massive girth and just lifted the whole end of the table up on his own, forcing the balls to dribble out. Unfortunately, he walked away with one ball still stuck. Having witnessed this feat, I decided I’d lift the table and get the last ball. Umm, no fucking way! I couldn’t even budge it. He returned and lifted it again, and I was truly in awe. It was like watching Donkey Kong effortlessly lift barrels over his head to chuck at Mario.

Down 4-2, I’m becoming progressively angrier.

Pool Final Score: M & M defeat J & B, 5-1

Event MVP: Matt

Overall Score: M & M lead J & B, 4-2

Event 7: Darts


  • Best 3 out of 5; and
  • Team Cricket.

I still suck. We lost. Also, I think we decided to nix Darts for next year, as Matt is really the only one who plays and he’s a fucking ringer.

Outside the bar, and I’m accidentally flashing three fingers instead of two. Guess the extra one is for me pointing to my dick, as in, “Fuck you, M & M!”

Darts Final Score: M & M defeat J & B, 3-0

Event MVP: Matt

Overall Score: M & M lead J & B, 5-2

Event 8: Shuffleboard


  • Best 2 out of 3; and
  • Games played to 21.

We needed this. I mean, it was win or go home at this point, despite how much I hate that expression. I was down, but I know we weren’t out, what with Beirut, Bocce and Bowling on the horizon, knowing they’d likely forfeit Bowling due to Mitch’s ankle. (And by the way, if you’re unfamiliar with Shuffleboard, it’s this variety that we played, not this one.)

I haven’t played regularly over the years, but I’ve always enjoyed it. In fact, I’d say the majority of my Shuffleboard experience came from playing at this place back when I lived in Chicago a good 10 years ago. Here in Harrisburg there are only two places I can think of who actually have Shuffleboard tables. One is in a private club and the table is warped; the other is in a shitty bar and the table isn’t regulation size. So, yeah, I really don’t play too much anymore. In fact, I think the last time I’d played was at the Ivy Inn in Havertown, PA with Cousin Matt about a year or so ago. (Great place, incidentally. It’s a shithole.)

Josh and I jumped out to a 1-0 lead. He was clearly carrying us, though I wasn’t playing poorly. I was only making single points here and there, but handling myself okay. By game 2, though, everything changed. Both Mitch and Matt started playing really well, whereas my confidence dwindled. I became so afraid of making a mistake that I started making mistakes. Reverse psychology at its finest. I merely psyched myself out and paid for it. Mitch and Matt took the second game. In game 3, Josh and I actually had the lead, knowing that once we took it Beirut was on the herizon.

We didn’t take it. We lost. Shuffleboard and the Brolympics both.

What. The. Fuck. Just. Happened?!?!?

Shuffleboard Final Score: M & M defeat J & B, 2-1

Event MVP: Tie (Mitch and Matt)

Overall Score: M & M defeat J & B, 6-2

And just like that, it was all over. No Bocce. No Beirut. No Bowling. The 11 scheduled events weren’t necessary. Matt and Mitch defeated us, and did so with a hobbled man on board. Josh and I were humbled. Well, pissed. How we lost to them so terribly I still have no idea. Looking back, I think the events going out of order was most definitely detrimental to us. Still, they earned the win. We just didn’t show up and they took advantage of our goofs, and for that I say congratulations, M & M!

We have some proposed changes already in the works for next year, including the elimination of Darts and the possible inclusion of events such as Basketball and Penalty Kicks (Soccer). Stay tuned.

Until next year, have at it, you vultures!




  1. “Looking back, I think the events going out of order was most definitely detrimental to us.”

    Yeah, that explains everything. If only the events had been played in order. No, really. That’s why you lost.

    By the way, after the shuffleboard recap, you have “Overall Score: J & B defeat M & M, 6-2.”

    Clearly, that’s not the case. Because you lost. 6-2. To a team with a cripple.

  2. Good catch, #19. The changes have been made. Also, fuck off.

    Look, I challenge you to get your brother (do you have a brother?) and join us next year.

  3. Larry is my soul brother. C’mon, Larry. Let’s do this!

  4. Now that I’m looking at it, you have J & B leading overall in all instances. Remember that song by Mates of State called “Everyone Needs an Editor”? I do.

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