Posted by: cousinbrandon | September 1, 2010

The Angry(er) Alphabet: Things I Hate, From A to Z (N)

“No Rain”

Fuck this fucking song! Fuck it straight to hell!

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watchin’ the puddles gather rain
And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
and speak my point of view
But it’s not sane, It’s not sane

I just want some one to say to me
I’ll always be there when you wake
Ya know I’d like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I’ll have it made

And I don’t understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that there’s no rain
And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And it rips my life away, but it’s a great escape
escape……escape……escape……

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
ya don’t like my point of view
ya think I’m insane
Its not sane……it’s not sane

I didn’t like it then and I hate it even more now. All I can hear is that vocal echoing of “not sane” at the end of the song, and how goddamn annoying it is. Sadder still is the fact that Blind Melon will be remembered for this feel-good hit of the summer horseshit off of their first album (which I hate, incidentally) as opposed to their fantastic follow-up, Soup, which gave us not only one of the great lead-off songs but this gem of a video.

As far as I’m concerned, “No Rain,” you belong on a list alongside such greats as “Two Princes,” “Hold My Hand” and “Kokomo.” (And by the way, are all of these shitstorms now embedded in your brain? Good. You’ve made my pont for me.) All of these songs are nothing more than a goddamn annoyance, created for the shit-swallowing masses who possess no shred of an aural filter.


I would pay money to punch this would-be hippie hack square in the throat.

Bottom line is this: I like irony. I get irony. I get camp and parody and shlock and all that jazz. So, sure, let’s take a fat girl, dress her up like a bee and watch her dance to our song. Fine. But you know something, Blind Melon? It’s fucking irritating. That girl is a hot mess who doesn’t know it yet. Your song? Just plain terrible. The lyrics? Bad. The echoing effect? Bad. The faux attempt to speak to all those stoners who will no doubt find the hilarity in a fat, dancing bee girl? Bad. Fuck you, “No Rain.” And fuck bees!

So, until Letter “O” tramples through the woods and upends your cabin, have at it, you vultures!

BD

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Responses

  1. Good one. God, I hate “Kokomo”.

    • I think it’s fair to say that “Kokomo” is the worst of them all, gf.

  2. God damnit Brandon. It’s bad enough to drop Kokomo, but that and 2 Princes right next to each other like that (luckily… oh wait, here comes Hold My Hand too *downward toned sigh*). Come on man. It’s 7:30 in the morning over here and now I’m doomed to at lest 15 hours of “That’s what I say now.” I know the angry alphabet isn’t meant to be pretty, but that really feels below the belt to me.
    I’m with you, not a No Rain guy, and though it’s not to the same severity I pretty much echo all of your sentiments. A fine choice. Also, fuck yeah fuck bees in general. Awful creatures.

    • You’re welcome, sir. Let my pain be your pain. I think it only fair.

      • As a sign of, um, gratitude you should listen to this… um, really awesome song. Such a good song. Not at all the worst song ever, in fact I’d say it’s one of the best. So good. So good.

        • You, sir, are on ass!

          For a horrible list of music, refer back to the Troutmas posts under the Music section of my blog. My pal Chuck and a I once put together a ridiculously long spreadsheet filled with terrible music. It’s delightful.

          • YEAH! That list is pretty solid (and that mix would be really fun in its obnoxiousness), but I stand by Huey Lewis’ claim to be considered awesome. Dated, sure, but awesome all the same.

            Hey, where would you recommend starting with Magnolia Electric Co./Songs: Ohia? I really like the songs you put on the 2009 year end collection and Farewell Transmission from Cousin Matt’s 2003 mix. The Daytrotter session was really good too. I saw that Magnolia Electric Co. the album made the 106 list, but because it’s the best doesn’t always mean it’s the best to start with. What would you say? Thanks man.

  3. But I like watching the puddles gather rain…

    • Most women do.

      • Oh snap.

  4. This edition of Angry(er) leaves me flat. I’m not in love with “No Rain” but I can’t muster up any hate for it either. It’s like hating on Vanilla Wafers. They aren’t delicious, but I’ll eat one or two if they are around.

    • While I appreciate your analogy, you’re wrong all the same. No, not my best work, but still a goddamn terrible song. There’s no way around that, Dodge.

  5. To WUWRobots…

    Pick up the record which became the name of the band. Oof. That’s confusing. Before Magnolia Electric Co. went by that name, they went by Songs: Ohia. Songs: Ohia’s final record as Songs: Ohia was called “Magnolia Electric Co.” That’s the one you want to pick up.

    • Thanks man. Will do. Those guys seem pretty great.


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