Posted by: cousinbrandon | September 13, 2010

Staging a (Hai)coup: The Week in Twitter Haiku

I’m back to feeling like I’m on a non-stop schedule of constantly being busy. Work. Teaching. Parenting. It all adds up and just starts to break you down. Add to that my poor sleeping habits and my pension for booze, and you’re pretty much left with a shell of a human being. What’s more, it’s the middle of September. Already? What the hell, Time?! My daughter is three weeks into school, I’m in my fourth week of class, and football is in its first week of the season. Stranger, still, is that I marvel at this every year. That is, I’m always dumbfounded by how quickly it all happens, and yet sometimes every day is a goddamn eternity. It makes no sense. Maybe it’s an indication that there are too many pointless days in which I’m not doing the things I want to or should be doing. Whatever. It’s too early to think this deeply. I need coffee. And a nap. And a beer.

This installment coverst two weeks of haiku, from Monday, August 30, 2010 through Sunday, September 12, 2010, touching on my roommate, hangovers, low aspirations, porn, Guidos, Dora the Explorer, my girlfriend’s visit, Cliffhanger, the smell of Philly, post-Labor Day vacation, the Pittsburgh Steelers, Don Draper, Confucius and Klondike Bars. As always, you can find this collection here every Monday, or go on over and subscribe to my Twitter feed (@CousinBrandon). Not following me means the terrorists win, and you’re not a terrorist, right?

Mom Watch, Day Three Haiku (August 30, 2010)

Woke to find her in
the shower. Nearly puked. Still
can’t stop shivering.

This Headache Couldn’t Possibly Be My Fault Haiku (August 31, 2010)

You know, alcohol
should really come with some kind
of warning label.

My Goals in Life Have Been Drastically Reduced Haiku (September 1, 2010)

Key to the city?!
I’d sette for the key to
the Starbucks bathroom.

Fortunately, No Porn EVER Started This Way Haiku (September 2, 2010)

Girlfriend visits
today. Mom’s living with me.
Worst. Threesome. Ever.

Idiocy You Hear When Seated Next to a Guido at the Bar Haiku (September 3, 2010)

“Netflix keeps adding
shitty movies to my queue,
like The Princess Bride.”

Who Knew People Had So Much In Common with Children’s Television? Haiku (September 4, 2010)

Ex-wives are akin
to Dora the Explorer:
annoying cuntsticks.

Yesterday with My Girlfriend in 17 Syllables Haiku (September 5, 2010)

Bagel shop. Sister’s.
Office. Bar. Brew’ry. Brew’ry
again. Dinner. Bed.

The Definition of Media, PA Haiku (September 6, 2010)

Where the Beatles are
UNDERrated and Cliffhanger
still reigns supreme.

Wearing the Aroma of a City Not My Own Haiku (September 7, 2010)

Two nights in Philly
and it’s official: I stink
of cheesesteaks and pee.

An Epiphany Upon Returning to Work After a Four-Day Absence Haiku (September 8, 2010)

Huh. So this is what
I signed up for? Okay, I
clearly hate myself.

Champing at the Bit for the 2010 Steelers Haiku (September 9, 2010)

Only three more days
till we don’t get to see Ben
Roethlisberger’s schlong.

Apparently Nothing’s in a Name Haiku (September 10, 2010)

Who would have guessed that
Don Draper and Don Knotts have
little in common?

Despite Confucius, What I Consider the Golden Rule Haiku (September 11, 2010)

One thing I’ll never
do is shit my pants. Yours, how-
ever, are fair game.

Really? All That for a Klondike Bar? Haiku (September 12, 2010)

Here’s an idea:
go to the store and buy one,
Mr. Dickforbrains.

That’s going to do it for this installment. Until next time, have at it, you vultures!


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