You take a mini-vacation to Texas and it all goes to hell. Seriously, I missed a week full of haiku, the Phillies swept the NLDS, and it’s already the second week of October! What gives, life? How in the hell do you continue to move at such a rapid, unpredictable pace? Oh, well. Like the late, great Patrick Swayze said to the rest of the Wolverines in Red Dawn, “Let it turn to something else.” And by the way, I got the chance to watch Red Dawn for the zillionth time while in Austin. Goddamn, what a great movie. Just beyond ridiculous. And let’s not forget the bevy of outstanding lines in that film. Everything from the aforementioned quote to Powers Boothe’s, “You think you’re tough for eating beans every day? There’s half a million scarecrows in Denver who’d give anything for one mouthful of what you got.” And, of course, let’s not forget this fantastic exchange between Powers Boothe and soon-to-be traitor Darryl, after Boothe is asked who’s on our side:
Col. Andy Tanner: Six hundred million screaming Chinamen.
Darryl Bates: Last I heard, there were a billion screaming Chinamen.
Col. Andy Tanner: There were.
[He throws whiskey on the fire; it ignites violently, suggesting a nuclear explosion]
Just magical. With that, what more is there to say? Somehow I got way off topic, but Red Dawn will do that to me every time.
This two-week installment of haiku, from Monday, September 27, 2010 through Sunday, October 10, 2010, covers irony, religion, my students’ lack of punctuation, Austin, stress, Roy “Doc” Halladay, Gap, Halloween costume shopping and the great Nic Cage. As always, you can find this collection here every Monday, or go on over and subscribe to my Twitter feed (@CousinBrandon). Outside of requesting you donate a pint of your own blood to me on a weekly basis, I really ask for so little.
The Irony of Hating Everything Haiku (September 27, 2010)
Trying to find new
things to complain about is
a pain in the ass.
Perhaps I Should Give Myself Over to Religion After All Haiku (September 28, 2010)
If there is a God,
I reckon he also hates
that Bieber fuckhead.
A Lesson I’ve Learned From Reading My Students’ Latest Essays Haiku (September 29, 2010)
clearly optional it’s not
needed not at all
What I Hope to Accomplish in Austin This Weekend Haiku (October 1, 2010)
Eat breakfast tacos.
Add the word “fixin'” to my
My Glorious Plans Now That I’m Back From Texas Haiku (October 6, 2010)
I intend to spend
the day administering
stress tests to myself.
Roy Halladay and I Are Identical When It Comes to Greatness Haiku (October 7, 2010)
Doc Throws No-No in
1st playoff start. Me? I once
ate a whole pizza.
An All New Level of Indifference Haiku (October 8, 2010)
Gap changed its logo.
Somewhere out there somebody
gives a good god damn.
Buying My Kid’s Halloween Costume Was Ridiculously Easy Haiku (October 9, 2010)
She wants to be a
vampire. Bought her a long,
black dress. Kids are dumb.
Renaming The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call – New Orleans Haiku (October 10, 2010)
I think it could’ve
been called, The Bad Lieutenant:
The Nic Cage Story.
Well, there you have it. A handful of haiku to get you by. I hope it serves you well. Until next time, have at it, you vultures!