Posted by: cousinbrandon | October 25, 2010

Absolutely (Hai)cuckoo: The Week in Twitter Haiku

Hopefully you get the reference in the title, but if not here’s a refresher.

For the second time in the last four weeks, I missed my weekly haiku entry. That’s the bad news. The good news is that the rest of you get to enjoy extra haikus in one expanded installment, so hooray for lazy! The truth, though, is that I missed last Monday’s entry because I was busy driving home from the beach. What’s more, I was positively exhausted, booze-soaked, and liver-beaten. So, yeah, it happens. Fortunately, I’m back on the hump and throwing nothing but four-seam fastballs, a la the kind Ryan Howard can’t hit. A la the kind Victorino can’t hit. A la the kind Jimmy Rollins can’t hit. In other words, what the fuck, Phillies? Your effort against San Francisco was downright embarrassing. How dare you lose that series agains a lesser team, especially having home-field advantage? On the plus side, it’s one less thing I need to watch and stress about until next Spring. Still, go fuck yourselves, Philadelphia Phillies.

This two-week installment of haiku, from Monday, October 11, 2010 through Sunday, October 24, 2010, covers Columbus Day, Bob Seger, exercise, student essays, Twitter songs, Fenwick Island, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the death of baseball, Boardwalk Empire, housekeeping and the Steelers. As always, you can find this collection here every Monday, or go on over and subscribe to my Twitter feed (@CousinBrandon). No more games, people! Go to my Twitter feed. Follow me. Laugh till it hurts. Then laugh some more till your chest explodes.

The True Meaning of a National Holiday Haiku (October 11, 2010)

Celebrating (Chris)
Columbus Day by watching
Gremlins 2: New Batch.

To the Guy Who Played the “Turn the Page” Cover at the Bar Last Night Haiku (October 12, 2010)

Seger is awful.
Metallica covering
him’s an abortion.

An Epiphany After Jogging Yesterday Haiku (October 13, 2010)

My legs are sore. My
back’s aching. Exercise is
a bowl of bullshit.

To the Student Who Asked Me to Read His Essay on “Fear” Haiku (October 14, 2010)

Your opening line
should not include a “friegtening”

The Results of the Twitter Theme Song Contest Haiku (October 15, 2010)

“Strangers in the Night”
placed second to “Unicorn
Bacon Cock ‘N Balls.”

My Weekend at the Beach in 15 Words Haiku (October 19, 2010)

Drank. Ate blue crabs. Drank.
Played football. Broke my finger.
Drank more. Passed out. Peed.

After Watching the Latest Indiana Jones Movie Haiku (October 20, 2010)

Jeez, you’d think one of
you might have mentioned it sucked
giant donkey dick!

Eulogy for Major League Baseball Haiku (October 21, 2010)

Rangers v. Giants?!
Nice knowing you, Minimal
Remaining Fan Base.

My Early Thoughts on Boardwalk Empire Haiku (October 22, 2010)

Five episodes in.
One thing I’m sure of: Buscemi
love scenes are foul.

Things to Do Once My Mom Moves Out in Five Days Haiku (October 23, 2010)

Burn her sheets; drink a
keg of High Life naked; jerk
off in the kitchen.

Moving On With My Life Following Last Night’s Shitfest Haiku (October 24, 2010)

Rangers v. Giants?
Yep, the baseball season is
over. Go Steelers!

Well, that’ll just about do it for the last two weeks of haiku. Until next time, have at it, you vultures!



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