For the first time in nine weeks, I woke up this morning to find I was the only person in my house. Yes, the cats were there, so I wasn’t completely alone. What I’m referring to is my mother, or lack thereof. Look, as much shit as I talk about the woman, I love her. But sweet Jesus, love only goes so far. She means well. Really she does. Unfortunately, she’s overbearing, loud, and obnoxious. She’s the typical Jewish mother in that way. Or, from what I see and hear, the typical mother. Moms — hell, all parents — mean well. But I dare any of you to have one of your parents move in with your 35-year-old self. See how that goes for about a week. Check with me after two full months. If you’ve not considered committing either your mother or yourself to an asylum, I’ll be truly shocked.
This installment of haiku, from Monday, November 1, 2010 through Sunday, November 7, 2010, covers board games, the Minnesota Vikings, dentistry, my students, workout technology, early wake-up calls and my mother’s birthday. As always, you can find this collection here every Monday, or go on over and subscribe to my Twitter feed (@CousinBrandon). It’s not a question of how you find me, but that you find me. Now run along.
Having Played Sorry! for the First Time Yesterday, A Question Haiku (November 1, 2010)
So, I’m assuming
everyone says “Sorry”
My Theory On What Must Have Gone Down in Minnesota Haiku (November 2, 2010)
So I’m guessing Moss
left the team because Favre was
texting him cock shots?
An Apt Analogy Following My Trip to the Dentist This Morning Haiku (November 3, 2010)
are the Meter Maids of the
To My Student Who Wrote About His Basketball Game Haiku (November 4, 2010)
Call it a hunch, but
I think you heard the “buzzer”
sound, not the “buzzard.”
Taking a Moment to Appreciate What We Have Haiku (November 5, 2010)
Men are pretty darn
lucky. We are born with our
very own Shake Weights®.
In Response to My Daughter’s First Question of the Day Haiku (November 6, 2010)
“No, little girl,
5:13 AM is NOT
time to wake up. Jerk.”
To My Mom On Her Birthday Haiku (November 7, 2010)
Birthday, Mother. Now get the
fuck out of my house!
Well, that’ll do it for this week. Until next time, have at it, you vultures!