Posted by: cousinbrandon | November 10, 2010

The Angry(er) Alphabet: Things I Hate, From A to Z (R)

Remakes

Here’s an idea, Hollywood: stop with the fucking remakes already! Hire a goddamn writer to pen an original script! Believe it or not, some of us want more than a movie we’ve already seen, and that was in most cases done better the first time. (And by the way, Hollywood, enough with the 3-D already. I despise wearing the glasses, and by no means am I okay with paying an extra $5 for the sensation of Johnny Depp’s Mad Hatter top hat appearing to float off screen.)

See, the problem is that Hollywood continues to remake movies that simply don’t need nor warrant remaking. If it was a great idea to begin with that never worked on the big screen, fine. I suppose I can sign off on that. In other words, a great idea that was improperly executed being re-shot/re-told. But for the love of Christ, stop remaking/rebooting every goddamn idea, good or bad, that was ever imagined. The Bad News Bears was one of my favorite movies growing up. Walter Matthau as Buttermaker? Jackie Earle Haley as Kelly Leak? Fantastic! A perfect movie for a perfect time. So why in the fuck, Hollywood, did you feel the need to ruin its legacy with this turd sandwich?!

And in case you didn’t know it, here’s a handful of remakes/reboots that are in some stage of production, and will be polluting your theaters in the very near future: Alien, American Pie, Arthur, The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, The Birds, Cliffhanger, The Crow, Death Wish, Drop Dead Fred, Dune, Escape from New York, Flash Gordon, Fletch, Footloose, Fright Night, Gremlins, Highlander, Jurassic Park, National Lampoon’s Vacation, The Neverending Story, Overboard, Pet Semetary, Police Academy, Porky’s, Red Dawn, Robocop, Romancing the Stone, Short Circuit, Six Pack, Spider-Man, Superman, Teen Wolf and The Warriors.

Ugh.

And if you’re still not convinced of how terribly unnecessary this endeavor is, let these posters act as a reminder:


Thank you, Vince Vaughn, for the shot-for-shot “remake” of a horror classic. Dickhead.


Hard to believe Marky Mark couldn’t make this thing work, what with his outstanding acting chops and all.


Cage. Overacting. Done.


Sure, let’s CGi and 3-D-ify one of the greatest movies of all time. Please, put the Kraken back.


Although I never saw the original, I can assure you that this version sucked cock.


Sandler. Done.


This poster leaves me wondering, “Which one of you do I hate more?”

In short, remakes, I don’t want you. I like ideas when they’re original, not when they’re rehashed for the worse.

Well, that’ll do it for this installment. Until “S” pops out of the closet and makes you poo yourself, have at it, you vultures!

BD

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Responses

  1. I cannot believe that they are remaking The Warriors. And what makes it worse is that it isn’t going to be in New York, it’s going to be set in LA. I totally agree with you on this one. Good work.

  2. uh, yeah, and that coen bros. remake of “true grit” looks like it’s gonna be a real shit fest too?

    • You’ll notice I intentionally omitted that one. Whether or not it’s good, though, isn’t the point. The question is, “Does True Grit need to be remade? And if so, why?”

  3. I can’t wait until someone remakes this column.

  4. Oh man, that list of remakes that are coming up is really distrubing. I’m right there with you on this. I still go on tirades about the Psycho one from time to time. Coming soon: Silence of the Lambs starring Zach Efron as Hannibal Lechter and Miley Cyrus as Agent Starling. The Rock as Verbil Kint in the Usual Suspects, or Johnny Depp and Tim Burton get together and make a new, CRAZY version of Singin in the Rain. Mike Myers has a new take on Dr. Strangelove!

  5. Russell Brand as Drop Dead Fred? Funny, I thought he just rolled down my pant leg.

  6. So how do you handle the Coen Brothers remaking True Grit? On one hand, it’s a remake (I think.) on the other, it’s the Coen Brothers.


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