No, I’m not dead. At least, not on the outside, that is. I’ve just been busy as a motherfucker, what with Thanksgiving, traveling, work, teaching, illness and parenting. It starts to add up after a while. And to top it off, I’m functioning on a combined three to four hours of sleep last night. My neck hurts. My body aches. My eyes are heavy. So, yeah, the lengths I go to for you people are truly astounding. Where’s my trophy? My giant cookie? My pat on the back? Eh, who am I kidding? I do this nonsense to myself. I’m what you might call a narcisstic, self-loathing, masochistic fool. Or Jew. Either way. With that, it’s December already, which means Christmas is nearly upon us, Hanukkah is upon us, and the crazy woman down the street will (with any luck) unload a bevvy of new holiday hate. Fingers crossed, people. Fingers crossed.
This super-sized installment of haiku, from Monday, November 15, 2010 through Sunday, December 5, 2010, covers Tom Brady, late work, Tiger Woods, insomnia, My Son, My Son, What Have Ye Done, Taylor Swift, Scrabble, Inception, Dexter, Austin, Texas, The Human Centipede, talking cats and arithmetic. As always, you can find this collection here every Monday, or go on over and subscribe to my Twitter feed (@CousinBrandon). You know how good things come to those who wait? Total crock of shit. Get to following me already!
Thwarted in Pittsburgh Once More by the Goddamn Pats Haiku (November 15, 2010)
I think Tom Brady’s
hair may have outscored the woeful
Steelers last night.
My Response to My Student During Her Conference Haiku (November 16, 2010)
So, here’s my feedback
on your rough draft: turn one in
next time, Shitburger!
The End of Days are Nigh Haiku (November 17, 2010)
Tiger joined Twitter.
Men, hide your women! Women,
hide your vaginas!
With My Sleep Schedule Fucked, I’m Making Big Plans Haiku (November 18, 2010)
Went to sleep at nine.
Woke up at four this morning.
Think I’ll stab my boss.
After Watching My Son, My Son, What Have Ye Done Haiku (November 19, 2010)
Werner Herzog and
David Lynch need to have an
“I’m more fucked up”-off.
WARNING: My Daughter’s Taste in Music May Cause Violence Haiku (November 20, 2010)
Burning Taylor Swift
to disc for my kid. Prefer
burning Taylor Swift.
After Teaching My Daughter a Board Game Haiku (November 21, 2010)
Don’t play Scrabble with
six-year-old kids. They will spell
nothing but “Sponge Bob.”
My Life Has Become an Ouroboros of Sorts Haiku (November 22, 2010)
I dreamed I wrote a
haiku about writing a
A Word of Advice to Those Responsible for the Dexter Subplots Haiku (November 23, 2010)
if it’s not about Dexter,
no one fucking cares.
Thanksgiving in Austin has Affected My Vision Haiku (December 1, 2010)
A week in Texas
makes everything look like a
taco or cowboy.
Why I’m Pouting After Watching The Human Centipede Haiku (December 2, 2010)
No matter how hard
I try, I can’t seem to stitch
my mouth to my ass.
This Morning with My (Soon to Be Banished) Cat Haiku (December 3, 2010)
It sounded like she
meowed my name, and then she
puked on the carpet.
Discovering the New Math Via Road Trips Haiku (December 4, 2010)
Three adults + Three
kids + One car over Two
hours = Fuck.
Well, that’ll do it for this long and abnormal installment. Until next time, have at it, you vultures!