Holy shitballs! I’m alive — alive!!! To say this last month has been busy undersells the shit out of it. Flew to Texas, packed up my lady’s belongings, drove her back with a moving truck and car carrier over the course of three days, came home, unpacked, treated my daughter’s flu, treated my girlfriend’s dog, treated my girlfriend’s flu, treated my bronchitis, prepped for my class, taught my class, cancelled my class due to illness, looked for jobs, and so on. Yeah, it’s been nuts. But, hey, my lady’s here, her weiner dog is here, baseball has started and I’m still among the living. Oh, and I saw Burlesque, so there’s that.
This super mega-installment of haiku, from Monday, February 28, 2011 through Sunday, April 3, 2011, covers the Oscars, English cuisine, guest speakers, job interviews, Charlie Sheen wake-up calls, pet instructions, BBQ sauce, mysteries, Austin cuisine, unpacking, healthy living, merging stuff, St. Patrick’s Day, Trash Humpers, The Princess Bride, Brendan Fraser, M*A*S*H, Broadway, insomnia, Favstar, Van Damme, dog poop, small world, the flu, No Reservations, idioms, Toy Story 3, more idioms, errands and police stickers. As always, you can find this collection here every Monday, or go on over and subscribe to my Twitter feed. It’s been an entire month since I’ve shamelessly asked you to read my Twitter and blog and whatnot, so for the love of all things good and pure, stop being a butthole.
I’ve Cracked the Secret Language of the Oscars Haiku (February 28, 2011)
is code for “We love all things
mainstream and awful.”
As It Turns Out, the UK Has Some Delectable Food Haiku (March 1, 2011)
At the very least,
England gave us Spotted Dick
and Branston Pickle.
To My Class, After Listening to the Guest I Invited Haiku (March 2, 2011)
Thank you, Students, for
making my guest speaker feel
unwelcome and bored.
In Preparing for My First Job Interview Since Being Canned, a Question Haiku (March 3, 2011)
Do I still bring a
copy of my resume
or whip my dick out?
Proper Salutations During a Job Interview Haiku (March 4, 2011)
As it turns out, hand-
shakes are preferred over the
exploding fist bump.
On Being Woken Up at 6 AM On a Saturday for No Good Reason Haiku (March 5, 2011)
My daughter is the
Charlie Sheen of waking me
up to spew nonsense.
Instructions to My Cat Before I Leave For Texas Haiku (March 6, 2011)
Don’t puke on the rug.
Don’t shit on the floor. Don’t get
drunk and make S’mores.
The Condiments of Life Are Dictated By Location Haiku (March 8, 2011)
Tweeting from Austin
means my keyboard is slathered
in BBQ sauce.
After Getting Drunk at Dinner, a Mystery Haiku (March 9, 2011)
Woke up and found my
girlfriend’s futon stinks of beer.
Help us, Scooby-Doo!
What I’ve Consumed in Austin Over the last 14 Hours Haiku (March 10, 2011)
Foie, sweet breads, sausage,
brisket, queso. My body’s
a temple (of doom).
After Having My Lady Here for 24 Hours, a Solution Haiku (March 14, 2011)
Still unpacking the
kitchen, which is room one. Think
I’ll burn it all down.
My “Healthy Living” Diet Over the Last Five Days Haiku (March 15, 2011)
I’ve survived on nuts,
Yuengling Lager, Pub Mix, coffee
After Merging Our Respective Household Items Haiku (March 16, 2011)
My cat and her dog
are already mortal foes,
just like mom and dad.
With St. Patrick’s Day, My Expectations for Class Haiku (March 17, 2011)
All I know is that
my students better like their
teachers good and drunk.
After Watching Trash Humpers, a Review? Haiku (March 18, 2011)
Trash Humpers is to
movies as licorice is
How I Spent the Night with My Lady and Daughter Haiku (March 19, 2011):
Watched The Princess Bride.
Need to stop telling my daughter,
“Prepare to die.”
After Watching Back-to-Back Movies of My Daughter’s Choosing Haiku (March 20, 2011)
Fraser is Satan.
My Home Has Turned Into an Infirmary of Sorts Haiku (March 21, 2011)
Dog is sick and cat’s limping.
Where’s Alan Alda?
When Life Hands You Lemons, Turn Life Into a Musical Haiku (March 22, 2011)
Daughter has the flu.
Girlfriend has the flu. And me?
Well, I’ve got rhythm.
After Sleeping 14 Hours Over the Last 3 Days Haiku (March 23, 2011)
Hope I die tomorrow,
so I can officially
sleep when I’m dead.
Obligatory Tweet About Favstar Being Down Haiku (March 24, 2011)
Hey, Favstar is down!
Get it together, Favstar.
I can’t see my stars!
An Amazing Discovery This Morning Haiku (March 25, 2011)
If you Google “Google,”
Jean-Claude Van Damme makes you
eggs and licks your face.
My Affection For My Woman Has Reached New Heights Haiku (March 26, 2011)
Nothing says “I love
you” like cleaning your lady’s
dog’s shit off the floor.
Last Night, I Had a Profound Moment Haiku (March 27, 2011)
Met a BBQ
guy who had eaten Texas
ribs. It’s the Rapture!!!
Two Weeks of the Flu In the Old jewdyblume Household Haiku (March 28, 2011)
First my daughter, then
my lady, and now me. Playing
What I’ve Learned By Watching an Excess of No Reservations Haiku (March 29, 2011)
Bourdain’s convinced me
that smoking and booze are key
Living is Easy When We Simplify Idiomatic Expressions Haiku (March 30, 2011)
It’s fine to put all
your eggs in one basket — just
get a huge basket.
What I Learned By Watching Toy Story 3 Haiku (March 31, 2011)
An asshole is an
asshole, even if he’s just
an old toy, pink bear.
Sadly, Sometimes Cliches Exist For a Reason Haiku (April 1, 2011)
My cat and her dog
have been getting along like
a cat and a dog.
Oh, the Many Places I’ve Already Gone Today Haiku (April 2, 2011)
Old Navy, Petco,
used book store and kid’s theater.
Beer IV intact.
After Finding an “Abandoned Vehicle” Sticker On My Car Haiku (April 3, 2011)
Forget your inspection
ONE TIME and your car’s an
Well, that’ll do it for this month. Until next time, have at it, you vultures!