Posted by: cousinbrandon | May 2, 2011

Hai-kuna Matata: The Week in Twitter Haiku

I’m now a week removed from my 36th birthday. Truth? Thirty-six feels the same as thirty-five. In fact, I’ll wager that thirty-seven, thirty-eight and thirty-nine won’t deviate too much, either. That’s fine. I’m not too caught up on the whole age thing, other than the fact that I’m in my mid-thirties and still don’t know how to dress myself. (Yes, I’m wearing tube socks, a hair shirt and a Speedo. Don’t judge me.)

This two-week installment of haiku, from Monday, May 2, 2011 through Saturday, May 14, 2011, covers Celebrity Apprentice, house paint, my health, Iron Chef, apathetic students, my birthday/Mother’s Day, Star Jones, job applications, the art of haiku construction, Jesus Camp, Hunk and yard sales. As always, you can find this collection here every Monday, or go on over and subscribe to my Twitter feed. Seeing as how most of you didn’t get me a goddamn thing for my birthday, how’s about you get your lazy ass over to Twitter and follow a guy?

My Favorite Line From Last Night’s Celebrity Apprentice Haiku (May 2, 2011)

Nene: “Who died and
put you [Star Jones] in charge of
Project Managers?”

Having Finally Using Paint Instead of Primer Haiku (May 3, 2011)

I used paint this time.
As it turns out, it’s not the
paint; it’s the artist.

There is Nothing I Dread More Than My Declining Health Haiku (May 4, 2011)

Having a cold is
like having a 10-dollar
hooker: it sucks balls!

The Achilles Heel of Bobby Flay On Iron Chef Haiku (May 5, 2011)

Flay’s food would have reigned
supreme if not for the cold
sore stuck to his lip.

To the Students Who Bailed On the Final Class of the Semester Haiku (May 6, 2011)

Don’t worry about
skipping my class. I never
liked you anyway.

The Universe is Out to Get Me Haiku (May 8, 2011)

Today’s Mother’s Day.
Today’s my birthday. Life has
shanghaied me again.

Proof That an Education Might Be a Waste of Time Haiku (May 9, 2011)

If Meat Loaf can out-
argue Star Jones, then clearly
law school is bullshit.

Having Applied for Over 50 Jobs in 3 Months, a Question Haiku (May 10, 2011)

When can I collect
a salary as a Career
Job Applier?

Dear Guy Who @ Replied Me That a Haiku Must Be One Sentence Haiku (May 11, 2011)

That’s absolutely
untrue, and you can go fuck
yourself. Love, jewdy

Jesus Camp Has Restored My Faith in (In)Humanity Haiku (May 12, 2011)

Thank you, Jesus Camp,
for confirming my beliefs
(that extremists suck).

Oh, How I Long for the Days of USA Up All Night Haiku (May 13, 2011)

Thank you, Netflix, for
adding Hunk to your instant
queue of awful shit.

After Spending Five Hours at My Mother’s Yard Sale Haiku (May 14, 2011)

Yard Sales are great for
people who hate both themselves
and other people.

Well, that’ll do it for now. Until next time, have at it, you vultures!


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