Posted by: cousinbrandon | May 30, 2011

Hai(ku)! My Name is (What?)…My Name is (Who?)… My Name is… Cousin Brandon: The Week in Twitter Haiku

Memorial Day weekend, and it’s hot as balls. I just don’t get what’s up with the weather anymore. We essentially have two seasons: winter and summer. Okay, I guess we have spring, too, which equates to a straight month of rain. Regardless, of tired of this shit. In other news, I have a job interview on Wednesday. Over the course of the past four months, this is only my third — third — interview. Considering the number of jobs I’ve applied for, my statistical average is god-fucking-awful. I’d ask the rest of you to wish me luck, but don’t waste your time. I’ll cross my fingers and see what happens. And let’s face it: if I get the job, I’ll just complain about that, too.

This two-week installment of haiku, from Monday, May 16, 2011 through Sunday, May 29, 2011, covers kid movies, the English language, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Mother Nature, Noah, the rapture, Trivial Pursuit, unemployment, ars poetica, golf, John Rich, Celebrity Apprentice, old age and BBQs. As always, you can find this collection here every Monday, or go on over and subscribe to my Twitter feed. It’s Memorial Day. Celebrate this great American holiday weekend by reading all of my bullshit.

The Great Irony of Taking My Daughter and Niece to See Prom Haiku (May 16, 2011)

Paid thirty bucks for
tickets. I was the only
person who got fucked.

Sometimes Even Homophones are Ironic Haiku (May 17, 2011)

It’s no accident
that “hostile” and “hostel” sound
strangely similar.

Tip to the Real Housewives of NJ Douchebag Haiku (May 18, 2011)

Don’t get drunk at your
son’s christening, start fights, then
call others “assholes.”

Due to Mother Nature, Some Wishful Thinking Haiku (May 19, 2011)

Awoken by late-
night thunder and the hopes my
house would wash away.

Having Rained for a Week Straight, My Mind Has Gone Biblical Haiku (May 20, 2011)

Think I’ll build myself
an ark. Gonna’ gather two
of ev’ry liquor.

Proof That the Rapture May, In Fact, Exist Haiku (May 21, 2011)

I just went jogging
on a Saturday morning.
Oh, the end is near.

Sometimes Our Victories are Entirely Too On the Nose Haiku (May 22, 2011)

After winning three
games of Trivial Pursuit, I’ve
confirmed I’m worthless.

The Thing I’m Most Proud of Following My Dismissal Haiku (May 23, 2011)

After four months of
unemployment, I’ve still not
watched daytime talk shows.

Why I Write a Daily Twitter Haiku Haiku (May 24, 2011)

I like the challenge
of 17 syllables
in a confined space.

Nearly Ready for the PGA Tour After Hitting Golf Balls Haiku (May 25, 2011)

Blister on my hand.
Tweaked my left elbow. All I
need are Tiger’s whores.

After His Celebrity Apprentice Victory, a Suggestion Haiku (May 26, 2011)

Congratulations,
John Rich. Hope this prompts you to
ditch country music.

What I’ll Miss Most About Celebrity Apprentice Haiku (May 27, 2011)

Let’s face it: the best
part of each show was the nodding
receptionist.

To the Guy Who Asked for My ID Before Selling Me Beer Yesterday Haiku (May 28, 2011)

I am a man of
36 years. To card me
is to annoy me.

After Having My Sister and Two Kids Over for a Cookout Haiku (May 29, 2011)

I don’t care what
anyone says. You’re still my bestest
friend, Alcohol!

Well, that’ll just about wrap things up for this week. Until next time, have at it, you vultures!

BD

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