Posted by: cousinbrandon | June 21, 2011

The Angry(er) Alphabet: Things I Hate, From A to Z (S)

Spoiler Alerts


Where to begin on this goddamn term…

First of all, there must be a statute of limitation. These days, every movie, television show, and inkling of gossip is available online. If your pal hasn’t seen the movie and exactly divulged every and all secret about the new M. Night Shamalamadingdong movie, you’ve no less heard the “big reveal” via Twitter or some other form of social media. (Oh, by the way, want to know the secret of every M. Night movie? It sucks! There. Mystery solved.) I guess what I’m saying is that if you’ve not yet seen films with twists at the end, such as the aforementioned The Sixth Sense, too fucking bad. It was released in 1999, which is alarmingly 12 years ago already. It’s your own goddamn fault if you don’t know the ending.

Also, Bruce Willis is dead! The little boy sees dead people, which is why he can see Bruce Willis. Mystery solved, shitbags! And for the record, Verbal Kint is Keyser Söze, Darth is Luke’s father, and Don Draper’s an alcoholic. (Okay, so that last one’s not a spoiler; rather, I just wanted to talk some Mad Men, as I’m missing it terribly.)

My lady actually owns a t-shirt featuring this very image! Kismet?

You know when people say “Spoiler Alert” to let you know they’re about to reveal some bit of secret information, thereby ruining whatever movie or television show you intended to see down the line? Well, here’s some news. Saying “Spoiler Alert” before giving it away does not excuse giving it away. It’s the same thing as people who excuse their own asshole comment by saying “I’m just being honest” or “The truth hurts.” While it may be true, it doesn’t excuse them for acting like terrible people. Same goes for interjecting “Spoiler Alert.” What, so you said those two words and now I no longer have the right to see something at my own leisure? You’re off the hook because you told me a full moment earlier that you’re going to give away the twist? Fuck you! Again, this goes back to the statute of limitation.

I move for one week on this and nothing more. In other words, if a movie or show has been made available to the public for an entire week, those in the know are no longer required to insert “Spoiler Alert” into their oral or written communication beforehand. Now, if you intend to write about a show and know that spoilers will be included, as was always the case with my beloved LOST, then by all means say so at the top of said article. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m okay with spoilers; it’s the term “Spoiler Alert” and the douchebags who say it without giving their audience a chance not to hear said spoiler that drives me fucking bananas.

Now that I think about it, there are no good spoilers. Not this kind of “spoil”…


And certainly not this kind of spoiler…


With that, I should make it known that — SPOILER ALERT — you’re all gonna’ die someday. Adorable.

Well, that’ll do it for this installment. Until letter “T” creeps up behind you and gooses you with a bowling pin, have at it, you vultures!




  1. Just don’t tell me how St. Elsewhere ends.

    • SPOILER ALERT: It all took place inside an autistic kid’s snowglobe. I call bullshit.

  2. Nice to see an Angry Alphabet again. Been a while. Good stuff.

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