Posted by: cousinbrandon | June 27, 2011

J. (Hai)Ku: The Week in Twitter Haiku

Has it really been a month? Apparently. Hard to believe that I was just using this space to complain about Memorial Day, and now here I am about to bitch about the impending doom of Fourth of July weekend. Fortunately I’ll be out of town this year, thus giving me the chance to elude the usual cavalcade of weirdos that populate the greater Harrisburg area. It’s amazing, really. I used to tend bar at a joint downtown only a block from the Susquehanna River. Holiday weekends inevitably beckoned the dregs of society to ooze forward from their respective caves or whatever hellholes that spawned them and plant themselves at my bar. It’s something I don’t miss, not even a little bit. I hated customers in general, but knowing my weekend was to be filled with soup sandwiches was essentially my personal hell. The best part is that I knew it would happen without fail, no matter which holiday weekend was upon me. So, this is for you, freakshows! Go fuck yourselves!

This month-long installment of haiku, from Monday, May 30, 2011 through Sunday, June 26, 2011, covers puns, Memorial Day, Octopussy, job interviews, bartenders, cheapskates, Young Guns II, punk rock, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, local flare, Adam Richman, LeBum James, Selena Gomez, Heather Graham, Hersheypark, Bon Jovi, lawn care, break-ups, white trash eats, Yuengling, Father’s Day, The Expendables, realtors, Gordon Ramsay, softball, Lake Tobias and Coraline. As always, you can find this collection here every Monday, or go on over and subscribe to my Twitter feed. Have I slacked off a bit? Sure. But how many of you are shamelessly plugging your Twitter feed and writing stupid haiku on a daily basis?! Didn’t think so.

My Financial State Has Inspired Me to Write Terrible Puns Haiku (May 30, 2011)

I’m so fucking poor
that even my morals are
bankrupt. [ba-dum-chh]

My Absolutely Traditional Celebration of Memorial Day Haiku (May 31, 2011)

Ate sushi for lunch,
because I’m obviously
an American.

After Watching Roger Moore as James Bond in Octopussy Haiku (June 1, 2011)

Please. That old fart should have been
named “700.”

After Yesterday’s Job Interview, I Fear the Worst is Upon Me Haiku (June 2, 2011)

Spent an hour in a
suit talking with a banker.
I’m now dead inside.

To the Bartender I Hate at the Bar I Like Haiku (June 3, 2011)

Why don’t I come in
much anymore, you ask?
Because you’re always there.

To the Woman Who Refused 50¢ Instead of $1 for Uno at Her Yard Sale Haiku (June 4, 2011)

Hope you enjoy a
lifetime of solo Uno,
you fucking dipshit!

After Watching Young Guns II Till 5 AM, Note the Star Power Haiku (June 5, 2011)

Estevez, Slater,
Lou Diamond Phillips AND
Kiefer?! Call Tiger Beat!!!

To the Musicians Who May Have Permanently Debased Me Haiku (June 6, 2011)

Much thanks, three punk rock
bands, for officially causing
me to go deaf.

The Mantra of The Real Housewives of New Jersey Haiku (June 7, 2011)

Family, Family, Family
Family, Family, Fuck You, Sis!
Family, Family.

To the Guys at the Bar Who Went Retro with Their Greeting Haiku (June 8, 2011)

I understand you’re
drunk, old Central PA men,
but “Wassup”? Really?!

Why Man Vs. Food Nation Is an Inferior Product Haiku (June 9, 2011)

I preferred to watch
Richman when I thought it HIM
who’d keel over. Sigh.

After Calling His Shot Via Social Media, an Epiphany Haiku (June 10, 2011)

In retrospect, LeBron
shouldn’t have taken his
talents to Twitter.

Solving the Mystery of Selena Gomez & J. Bieber’s Tryst Haiku (June 11, 2011)

It must have been her
turn in Princess Protection
that did it.

Assessing the Key Performance in the Judy Moody Movie Haiku (June 12, 2011)

Heather Graham plays the
ditzy aunt in revealing
clothing. Oh, what range!

Taking Inventory of Yesterday’s Trip to Hersheypark Haiku (June 13, 2011)

My fav’rite game was
from atop the Ferris Wheel.
Played “Spot the Mullet.”

Sadly, I Assume This Happens at Least Once a Day Haiku (June 14, 2011)

“Shit, they were NEVER
the same after Slippery.”
– Bon Jovi fans/nerds

After Looking Through the Kitchen Window That Overlooks My Yard Haiku (June 15, 2011)

My lawn is merely
an extension of myself:
covered in dog shit.

There Is Simply No Such Thing as Being Let Down Easy Haiku (June 16, 2011)

Whenever I hear
“It’s not you; it’s me,” I know
it is ALWAYS “you.”

My Litany of Eats During Last Night’s White Trash Party Haiku (June 17, 2011)

Six PBRs. Four
Jell-O shots. Gobs of spray cheese.
Ready for NASCAR.

My Plans for Today’s Trip to the Yuengling Brewery Haiku (June 18, 2011)

I intend to go
Bob and Doug McKenzie all
over a chilled vat.

For My Father on Father’s Day Haiku (June 19, 2011)

Because you sold shoes
for thirty-plus years, you’ll always
be Al Bundy.

My Recreation of Yesterday’s Festivities With My Family Haiku (June 20, 2011)

[Very loud noises.]
[Talking over each other.]
“Happy Father’s Day!”

After Watching The Expendables, My Proposed Title Change Haiku (June 21, 2011)

Sly & Arnold &
Dolph & the Rest of The

Some Tips From My Realtor After Yesterday’s Open House Haiku (June 22, 2011)

Touch up kitchen paint.
Mop foyer. Burn dead bodies
in garage. Clean den.

I Think I’m Beginning to See a Pattern Here Haiku (June 23, 2011)

I like that show where
Gordon Ramsay cooks food and
tells people they suck.

After I Homered In My 1st At-Bat of Yesterday’s Softball Game Haiku (June 24, 2011)

Decided to go
out on top. Punched a baby
rounding third, then quit.

My Highlight From Today’s Trip to the Animal Park Haiku (June 25, 2011)

What did I point out
at the nature reserve? “That
bull’s making a poop!”

After Watching Coraline, My Daughter Was Scared to Sleep Haiku (June 26, 2011)

Probably shouldn’t
have left buttons, a needle
and thread in her room.

Well, that’ll do it for this installment. What a month. Have at it, you vultures!


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