Posted by: cousinbrandon | July 19, 2012

Donna Martin Graduates: An Open Letter to the Penn State Students Trying to Save Joe Paterno’s Statue


Are you fucking high?!

I mean, yes, I’m sure you’re literally high, as you’re a group of college students who comprise one of the country’s largest student bodies, at one of the country’s most well-known universities, with one of the country’s biggest party scenes when it comes to college-aged individuals. So, yeah, I fully expect you to be stoned.

Moreover, I would like you to be stoned. That is, I would like to personally stand atop a mound of rocks and pelt you with stones Shirley Jackson-style until you bleed. But rest assured, I won’t be aiming for your head. No, I would instead prefer to have you bend over so I can somehow manage to cram those stones up your asses (which, as it turns out, is where your heads are, so I suppose I would be aiming for your heads) so that you might know what it’s like to be sodomized.

Here’s the thing: you’re trying to save a monster. Or his likeness, anyway. And for what? What could that possibly do for you, a bunch of 18 to 22-year-old kids, who may or may not have even witnessed a winning football season, let alone the a Penn State championship? Hell, were any of you even alive the last time PSU was crowned national champion? My guess is that you ripped enough bong hits to convince yourselves that this would be a good way to get on TV, to promote whatever sad need you have to make is the next teen mom or Snooki or Kardashian. What you fail to realize, though, is that the infamy surrounding Paterno will now be there for all of time, whereas you burnouts are a mere blip on the proverbial zeitgeist. Penn State is the machine, and your beloved JoePa is the ghost that will now haunt it for all of time.

The only thing that binds you stoners to Paterno is the likelihood that you’re A) from Pennsylvania; or B) related to a Penn State alumnus. Well, allow me to let you in on a secret: I’m both A and B, and yet I would never align myself with a person/statue/vigil that symbolized the rape of children.

And by the way, are you dummies so naive as to not even consider that perhaps JoePa was not only covering up these atrocities, but was a part of them? Here was Jerry Sandusky, a former player and longtime friend of Paterno, allegedly sexually abusing children as far back as the 1970s. That’s 40 years ago! And then there’s JoePa, who ran the sidelines at PSU for 61 years, and was privvy to everything Penn State (and, I would imagine) Pennsylvania-related. He knowingly covered up Sandusky’s disgusting body of work, and rewarded him with an office on campus, not to mention access to the Penn State box during games (and Penn State’s children after). He may as well have driven the boys to Sandusky’s house with a note pinned to their chests that said, “Have fun, JS!”

Look, I understand that you’re college students, and you’re of the age and at an institution of higher learning when and where you think you need to “take up a cause.” Fine! Rally to bring our troops home. Support a “Meat is Murder” campaign. Protest animal testing on campus like Brenda Walsh and the gang at California University. Hell, make sure Donna Martin graduates! Really, any of those would be better than clinging for dear life to a statue that has now come to represent evil, greed, sickness, shame and disgrace.

If nothing else, remember one thing: you’re college students! Go smoke a bowl and watch Harold and Kumar do something for the 2,000th time. But if your dedication to the “hero” that was Joe Paterno outshines all else, no problem. I’ll be right over with my bucket of rocks. In the meantime, fire one up. And bend over.



  1. It isn’t often you find someone publically willing to cry out “I AM A MORON!” but you sir defy the statistics and gladly shout this as your anthem. Your article is soaked in ESPN Kool-Aid, and it is a shame that you have not been able to formulate anything more than a mob-mentality attitude absent of any reason or intelligent thought. I won’t waste my keystrokes with any type of explanation that I am sure you are salivating at the mouth to contradict, you are too far gone. But rest assured that the majority of “INTELLIGENT” people realize that Joe Paterno, one of America’s best leaders (football aside) and most honorable men got completely “screwed” in this whole debacle. I quote SCREWED because you seem to have a strange fetish with the anus. Well, maybe one day you will pull your head out of yours.

    • Thanks for the response, Lyndon. Let me begin by saying that you couldn’t be more self-diluted, not only when it comes to your take on one of “America’s best leaders,” but on your aligning me with the morons at ESPN. To the latter point, I couldn’t give a good goddamn what idiots like Skip Bayless, Rick Reilly, and the rest of those talking heads think. ESPN comprises “sports” robots stuffed into the same suit, all of whom tow the company line and spew a bunch of nonsense.

      To your second point, I can only assume that you’re one of those neo-hippies encircling the Paterno statue, shrouded in a white robe with a candle held proudly in front of you, touting the need to “save the statue” and all the good it represents. I think it’s you, Lyndon, who’s been drinking the proverbial Kool-Aid.

      At this point, we pretty much know — KNOW — that Paterno was covering up this debacle dating back 15 years. Again, that’s what we KNOW. The question, Lyndon, is what DON’T we know? Hell, I’m not even talking about just the Sandusky case. I’m asking what other atrocities, cover-ups, and heinous acts has Paterno and his crew been associated with?

      The problem with opinions like yours, Lyndon, is that you see only the “greatness” of Paterno and what he did for those he helped. But what about those who he, both literally and figuratively, fucked over? Nucky Thompson (Boardwalk Empire) does a lot of good for a lot of people. He’s also a murderous, adulterous, lying, cheating son-of-a-bitch. Do his good deeds trump his bad ones? Is all forgiven because he gives a Memorial Day speech commemorating our fallen soldiers?

      The “majority of intelligent people,” Lyndon, believe what they want to believe based on what the media feeds them. Do a little research and open your eyes. Have some sort of personal filter in place. Don’t blindly accept everything that’s handed to you. I think maybe then you’ll realize that you, too, are defending a creep.

  2. I think we should join the rally to save the statue. So tough to find public urinals these days.

    But I want the statue to stay. Let it be a reminder of his and the university’s sins. Let it be vandalized and degraded until it crumbles into dust, and then piss on the dust.

    • Even I can’t argue with logic so sound, #19.

  3. Timely:

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