It’s February already and the Super Bowl is now behind us. That’s right: no more football until that pre-season nonsense. Yeah, right. Who are we kidding? Football is now a year-round subject/process. Sure, the Super Bowl’s been played, but now it’s time to plan for the parade, televise the parade, report on the parade, laugh at the silly white men dancing during the parade, assessing the damage to the city of New Orleans after the parade, and so forth. In other words, these stories alone will consume the world of sports for at least a week, and I haven’t even mentioned the amount of talk this will spawn for the “Peyton Manning chokes in big games” story, “Dwight Freeney’s bum ankle cost the Colts a win” story, “Reggie Bush is now a free agent and will command big money” story, and “Now that Reggie’s won the Super Bowl he can propose to Kim Kardashian so we can watch that whorebag parade around with the guy who used to be known as Bruce Jenner” story. And just wait until next week’s football stories.

This installment of haikus covers Monday, February 1, 2010 through Sunday, February 7, 2010, covering my brother’s birthday, LOST, McDonald’s, a rough weekend, Roky Erickson, and, of course, the Super Bowl. As always, you can find this collection here every Monday, or go on over and subscribe to my Twitter feed (@CousinBrandon). Look, you can either choose to follow me on Twitter or just keep checking back here on a daily basis for all new funny. Or, you can kiss my ass. The choice, as always, is yours. No pressure.

To My Brother On His 39th Birthday Haiku (February 1, 2010)

Congratulations!
Middle-aged white men are dead
or in jail by now.

Do You Suppose the Writers of LOST Are Suggesting Something? Haiku (February 2, 2010)

Season 6 premiere
is on Groundhog’s Day? Can’t be
coincidental.

After Spending Two Hours Taking Notes On LOST Haiku (February 3, 2010)

I forgot what that
much note-taking felt like. No
wonder kids get high.

Breakfast of Champions Haiku (February 4, 2010)

McDonald’s food is
disgusting, as is this third
McGriddles sandwich.

Already Things Are Off to a Glorious Beginning Haiku (February 5, 2010)

Woke at 4:30.
My daughter peed in her bed.
Fuck you, Frimonday!

Realization After Watching “You’re Gonna Miss Me” Haiku (February 6, 2010)

Roky Erickson’s
mother missed her true calling.
Hoarders, anyone?

So Far I Don’t See What’s So Goddamn Super About It Haiku (February 7, 2010)

Super Sunday feels
like any other Sunday,
but with extra dip.

Well, that’s gonna’ do it for this week. So many haikus, so little time. Until then, have at it, you vultures!

BD

Today’s choice is odd, really. It’s kind of a strange poem I wrote back before my daughter was born. I think I was still in grad school at the time and I may have even workshopped this piece once. On the other hand, it might have never been read by anyone but me. I honestly can’t remember. And even though I’m sure I’ve never done anything with this poem in terms of publishing, and I’m pretty sure I’ve never done anything with this poem in terms of workshopping, I’ve always liked it.

Now that I think about, this poem came about after reading some of the poetry of Rick Noguchi, specifically his collection The Ocean Inside Kenji Takezo. I was having the damndest time coming up with any of the poems from this book online, though I did manage to find a PDF version of “The Really Long Ride,” which should give you a taste of what’s inside. I was instantly fascinated with the notion of writing poems about about a specific character as opposed to a characiture or almagamation of several character traits. I mean, I write about a specific character constantly; it’s the subject I was given. I guess Rick Noguchi’s Kenji Takezo simply struck me differently, and I still don’t understand why. There was something about his insistence on referring to his subject not as “Kenji” but always “Kenji Takezo” that made him both more real and more false for me, yet certainly more compelling.

Unfortunately, I only ever wrote a single poem about Herman Rothstein, or at least the character named Herman Rothstein. On the other hand, you haven’t read it yet, so maybe “unfortunately” is the wrong word; perhaps “fortunately” will be more apt in a moment.

Explaining the Rhinoceros

I watch from my bedroom window as my neighbor
Herman Rothstein sits quietly with his two boys
in the den I helped remodel two summers back.
None of them say a word as they bask in the blue
glow of television, transfixed by what I imagine
are animals, a stampede of enormous creatures
trampling an African plane, scrambling after a pack
of zebras, or maybe spooked by a thunderstorm
that hasn’t yet touched down. Either way, the rhinoceros
rip the world to pieces with their massive hooves,
and Herman Rothstein is certain to spend all day
tomorrow answering questions about the rhino:
How big do they get? Do they have rhinos
in Pennsylvania? Have you ever seen one?
That, or he’ll spend tonight shooing his boys
from his bed, both kids paralyzed with a fear
that’s silly, yet the two of them so persistent
Herman Rothstein will be forced to hear them out
before he shuts his bedroom door to the world
and is swallowed up inside the cold, dead linens
compressed against his body, crying out to be cleaned.

BD

“Celebrities”

Yes, it’s intentionally in quotes, because to consider these people celebrities for anything other than their ability to suck ass on screen would be preposterous. I mean, seriously, look at this gaggle of fuckers…

Thank you, Spencer and Heidi, for not sharing your communicable diseases with the rest of us.

Look, Kim Kardashian, no matter how many times you attempt to reinvent yourself and your gnarled family…

…you’ll always be the whorebag who made this “sexy” movie with that guy!

No, New York, we don’t get it, either.

Holy shit! Ellen DeGeneres grew her hair out! And facial hair!

BWAA-HAA-HAA-HAA-HAA-HAA!!!

Remember Trishelle from Real World: Las Vegas? That’s her on the right. Glad to see she’s living the dream.

If I was your big brother I’d beat the piss out of every single one of you.

They should have just called this trainwreck Two-and-a-Half Hours From My House.

Okay, so there’s one exception to the rule. Sorry, but I have a strange crush on her. And, hey, at least she’s legitimately successful, right? Fellas? Anyone?

Please, people, make it go away. How I tremble at the thought my daughter will one day tell me the celebrity she most admires is Snooki.

Until Letter “D” creeps all up in your shit, have at it, you vultures!

BD

There’s way too much to post as a single entry, so I’m breaking this week’s recap into Parts 1 and 2. Click here for Part 2 of “LA X.”

I won’t lie. This is gonna’ take a while. I mean, it’s the season 6 premiere and all, and a two-hour one at that. What does that entail? Three straight hours (including the recap episode beforehand) of me staring at the screen, pen in hand, feverishly scribbling every relevant item I could muster while simultaneously trying to watch (and involuntarily gush) over every single second of “LA X.” Before we get started, a quick observation: LOST premieres are never as good as LOST finales. Furthermore, LOST premieres are often times, well, disappointing in relation to most episodes. Why? Because the expectations can never be met. I mean, freaks like me spend the hiatus coming up with every conceivable explanation for every facet of the show, banging our heads against walls trying to figure out just how in the hell the writers will address the previous season’s cliffhanger. And let’s face it: the final scene of season 5 was fucking amazing! All we’ve done in terms of LOST since then is speculate as to how in the hell the writers would launch the final season. Well, they did just that, beginning with…
 
1. I’m On a Plane.  So it’s a plane and not a boat. Sue me. Either way, you get the idea. We open with Jack in his familiar spot on Oceanic 815, where we quickly realize we are “re-watching” his encounter with the flight attendant, Cindy, who brings him a small bottle of vodka. In other words, we’re re-watching the scene from season 1 before the plane goes down. Right? I mean, did anyone else think that, just for a moment, Jack was self-aware? That is, Jack realized he’d managed to “reboot” time, and found himself back on the plane pre-crash? Clearly that was the intent, only it didn’t last. Not really, anyway. (And by the way, why was I thinking/remembering that Jack took the bottle from Cindy the first time around and stuffed it in his pocket, whereas here he actually poured it into his drink? Am I wrong on that? Help me out.) Jack has his familiar conversation with flight-mate Rose, who is soon joined by her husband Bernard. Clearly this didn’t happen the last time out, so we can safely assume that reality has, in fact, been altered. Or has it? I mean, is this “reality” or simply a parallel timeline? More on that later. Jack goes to the bathroom where 1) he seems to have that aforementioned moment of awareness, where he looks into the mirror and seems to be wondering, maybe, what happened to his beard. That is, it’s as if he doesn’t recognize himself, and isn’t seeing the Jack he expected to see; and 2) he notices he’s got some blood on his neck. Is this the result of a shaving accident? What do we make of this? Jack returns to his seat to find a shorn Desmond sitting in the aisle seat, reading a book. The two seem to experience a similar sense of deja vu, wherein they know one another but can’t place the faces or names. (And by the way, what do we make of the fact that Desmond is even on the flight? After all, he was never on Oceanic 815. Does this suggest that this isn’t really happening, or instead that, in this alternate timeline, Desmond truly is on the flight as he never went to the island, and didn’t spend three years pushing a button? I have to assume the latter.) After their exchange, the camera pans from the plane down through the clouds and into the ocean, where it scours the sea-floor of the island to show us the ruins, the shark, and, finally, the foot of the Taweret statue. Thud. Clearly this gives us a nice separation between realities, so to speak, in that “Oceanic Jack” is not bound for the island. Not this time. This brings us to the post-commercial opening, in which we find…
 
2. The Season 5 Finale? We see Jack drop the bomb down the well, yet failing to detonate. Juliet, at the bottom of the well, strikes the core and causes an “explosion” resulting in a white screen, behind which we find the opening eye (Motif, people!) of Kate, who wakes up in a tree that is still very much on the island. In other words, failure. Sort of. Kate scales down the tree and has a ringing in her ear, which is a result of the explosion (so it did explode?). Miles emerges from the jungle and is suffering from the same ringing effect. We cut to the site of the explosion, only it’s not the pre-Swan site we’re looking at; rather, it’s the post-Swan site, after it was blown up. In other words, even though detonating the bomb didn’t get them off the island, it forced yet another time jump in which the Losties are, to quote Sawyer (later), “right back where they started.” And, yeah, Sawyer and Jack are there, too, and Sawyer immediately attacks Jack for “killing” Juliet. We then cut to…
 
3. Secret Agent Man. Back on Oceanic 815, Jack is outside the bathroom with the very much alive special agent who is bringing Kate Austen to justice. The bathroom door opens and Kate “falls” out into Jack. Once seated, the agent is bumped into by Sawyer, who is returning to his seat on the plane next to Hurley. Dr. Arzt, he of Jay Leno/The Late Shift fame, is talking up Hurley, trying to get him to do one of his famous Mr. Cluck’s ads. In an interesting exchange, Sawyer cautions Hurley not to tell people he’s won the lottery, as people will take advantage of him. Here, though, is the more interesting bit of the conversation: “I’m the luckiest guy alive,” says Hurley. Again, in this reality, Hurley still considers himself lucky. That is, we can assume that his uncle hasn’t died, that he’s still riding high on his Mr. Cluck’s fame, that he isn’t, well, cursed. And if we’re to believe that’s the case, do we take Sawyer’s cautioning Hurley as sincere, or consider it straight grifter-speak? Honestly, I’m not sure. For now, we return to…
 
4. The Hatch. Well, what’s left of it, anyway. Sawyer is fuming, when suddenly a faint voice emerges from the rubble. Immediately they realize it’s Juliet, who is still alive at the bottom of the well. Frantically, they attempt to remove the debris and metal objects covering the well. Hurley, meanwhile, is tending to Sayid, who is still bleeding rapidly and near death. Sayid asks Hurley what will happen when he dies, as he was a torturer all his life. Hurley does his best to calm him and reassure Sayid he’ll be fine, when suddenly he hears movement in the jungle. Hurley grabs a gun and threatens the unseen assailant (in a rather funny manner, actually), only to see that it is Jacob who emerges from the woods. We cut back to…
 
5. Jin and Sun, Together. Outside of the wedding sequence in which they were visited by Jacob, this is the first we’ve seen the two of them together since season 4, I believe. Granted, we’re looking at a flashback here. Well, sort of a flashback. I mean, we’re looking at them on 815, so it’s a flashback in terms of the timeline only. Again, though, this isn’t the reality we’ve come to know on LOST, so it’s hard to know what to call this. We’re looking at a flashsideways, I guess, but I digress. Sun is watching (and admiring) Rose and Bernard. Their love, that is. We then see Locke, who is reading the plane’s pull-out card on survival in case of a crash. Two seats over from Locke sits a still-living Boone, who explains that he’s returning from Australia sans sister (Shannon), who he couldn’t convince to come with her. (Again, we know that in the “real” storyline Shannon did, in fact, board Oceanic 815 with Boone and would later die on the island after seeing Walt repeatedly and laying down with Sayid.) Locke explains to Boone that he was in Australia on a walkabout, where he lived off the land and hunted with knives. In an obviously intentional (yet comical) moment, Boone asks if Locke is “pulling his leg,” a strange choice of words considering Locke’s paralysis. (Keep in mind, we don’t know at this point if this version of Locke is, in fact, in a wheelchair.) (And by the way, sitting in between Locke and Boone is none other than Neil Frogurt, the “Redshirt” who was killed via flaming arrow. And speaking of Locke, we then cut to…
 
6. The Foot of the Statue. Well, inside the foot of the statue, where Fake Locke picks up the bloody knife Ben Linus just used to stab Jacob. Twice. Fake Locke cuts away part of the tapestry and uses it to clean the blood from the knife. A shell-shocked Ben stares into the fire, wanting to know why Jacob didn’t fight back. Fake Locke reassures Ben, in a manner of speaking, and tells him to bring Richard inside. Ben wants to know why, but Fake Locke adopts a sort of “Because I said so” attitude. Ben exits the foot of the statue onto the beach, where Richard, Lapidus, Sun, Ilana, Bram and the rest of the no-names have been waiting. Ben emerges from the statue and is immediately grabbed by Richard, who throws Ben down onto the sand, where he finds himself face-to-face with the corpse of the real John Locke. We then move to…
 
7. Hurley’s Mission. While Sawyer and crew continue to remove rubble from the well, Hurley follows Jacob back to the DHARMA van. (Again, Hurley knows this man only by their meeting in the back of the taxi; he doesn’t yet realize who Jacob is.) Jacob explains that Jin can’t see him because he “died an hour ago,” which is actually super-cool considering the “real time” overlap that is taking place. Jacob tells Hurley that he needs to save Sayid by taking him to the temple, and to bring the guitar case with him, before finally revealing to Hurley that he is, in fact, Jacob. We then strap back in and move over to…
 
8. Charlie. Back on the plane, passengers are being asked to notify a flight attendant if there is a doctor on board. (Seriously, does that shit really happen or is it only in television and movies?) Jack naturally identifies himself and as asked to follow Cindy to the bathroom, where a passenger has locked himself inside and isn’t responding. (Immediately I remembered it was Charlie who was more or less chased down the aisle way back when.) Sayid offers his assistance and kicks the door in (which, by the way, would be the first of two bathroom doors kicked open in this episode, oddly), where we find a nearly comatose Charlie. Jack tries to resuscitate Charlie, only to discover that his airway is being blocked (and, yeah, it was obviously being blocked by Charlie’s big ol’ pouch of heroin). Jack removes it and Charlie regains consciousness. Again, we know that Charlie was supposed to die, according to Desmond/fate. At least, in the timeline we know. But in this timeline, if Oceanic 815 never crashes and Jack is there to “save” Charlie, is Charlie still fated to die? That is, are the same events going to transpire in this timeline only in different ways/at later times? We then drift back to…
 
9. She’s Alive! Back at the hatch, Sawyer and company tie chains from the van to the steel beam covering the well. While driving the van to the hatch site, Hurley asks Sayid if he knows about the hole in the wall and how to get there (per Jacob’s instructions). Jin says that, yes, he knows. (Okay, stop right there. This is one of those moments where I call “Bullshit!” and my head nearly explodes. Now, I could see, maybe, if after only 108 days on the island the survivors of 815 hadn’t had a chance to explore every inch of the island in hopes of finding rescue, food, shelter, etc. But keep in mind that Sawyer, Juliet, Jin and Miles have been there an extra three years, albeit in the past. Do you mean to tell me that, after all this time, Jin hasn’t shared his awareness of the temple and the “hole in the wall” with anyone? What’s more, Jin was the one frantically searching for his wife after he realized that she was on Ajira 316. Um, you mean to tell me he wouldn’t have mentioned to Sawyer that, hey, we should check out that big ol’ wall with the hole in it? Sorry, but that kind of shit kills me.) After finally removing the beam, Sawyer climbs down the well and finds Juliet, alive! Juliet explains that she detonated the bomb, and she’s clearly distraught that Jack’s plan didn’t work. Meanwhile, Jack examines Sayid but realizes he can’t save him. Hurley, in a moment of leadership not often displayed by him, tells Jack he wants to take Sayid to the temple to be healed, per Jacob’s instructions. Clearly Jack doesn’t know what to make of this plan, but since he can do nothing for Sayid himself he has no choice but to agree. We then move to…
 
10. Old Smokey. Ben (curiously) follows Fake Locke’s orders and tells Richard to go inside the foot of the statue to find out what happened to Jacob. Again, Ben insists that Jacob is fine at this point. Bram, not buying it, grabs Ben and drags him inside the statue, where Fake Locke is sitting in wait, and explains that Jacob is dead. Bram pulls his gun on Fake Locke and shoots him, only to watch him “disappear” as he and his men try to corner Fake Locke. Furthermore, he finds the bullet on the ground. Not a good sign, people, as we then hear an all-too-familiar sound, akin to screeching horns. And, sure enough, Smokey appears and immediately attacks Bram and his men as Ben cowers. Bram quickly pours a small ring of ash around himself, which was pretty goddamn cool actually, as it calls back to the (broken) ring of ash around the cabin. Unable to penetrate the ring of ash, Smokey dislodges a stone from the statue wall that jettisons Bram up and out of the ring, where he is quickly impaled by a plank of wood. Through all of this, Ben is spared. He emerges from hiding, turns around, and stares into the face of Fake Locke/Smokey, who tells Ben, “I’m sorry you had to see me like that.” Awesome. Look, for quite some time it’s been clear that Fake Locke and Smokey were one in the same, as LOST made it pretty clear a la the Clark Kent/Superman technique. That is, neither were ever in the same place at the same time. If you recall, Ben and (Fake) Locke made their way to the temple (I think) in season 5. Ben descended alone, and before you know it Alex was there telling Ben to follow (Fake) Locke. Clearly this was Smokey inhabiting several different “characters,” both dead, mind you. (And by the way, Smokey has only appeared as dead characters, be it Locke, Alex, Christian, Yemi, etc. In every instance, we must assume it’s been him, yes?) Anyway, seeing as how the season 5 finale made it clear that Fake Locke was also the “Man in Black,” we now have confirmation that Smokey = Fake Locke = The Man in Black, which I guess I already knew. From here we return to…
 
11. Juliet. Sawyer finally manages to expunge Juliet from the wreckage/debris. Juliet appears only semi-conscious, and talks to Sawyer about having coffee with him, indicating that either A) she isn’t lucid; or B) her mind is “wandering,” a la Charlotte and the “chocolate talk” right before she died. The two kiss, and Juliet tells Sawyer she needs to tell him something “very, very important.” Before she gets the chance, though, she dies. Sawyer, crushed yet again, emerges from the well and tells Jack, “You did this.” Oof. That’s a lot for a guy to handle, no? Granted, Jack’s got the blood of quite a few people on his hands by now. We then get back to…
 
12. The Final Descent. Oceanic 815 is making its final descent. Charlie is put into custody on the plane. Jack returns to his seat but finds Desmond is no longer there. He asks Rose and Bernard about his whereabouts, but Rose says they’ve been asleep. Sayid stares at a picture of Nadia, while Jin stares at the watch he’s brought with him overseas. Oceanic Flight 815 lands safely in Los Angeles without incident. The passengers are met onboard by policemen, who are there to escort Charlie off much to the relief of Kate, who is still handcuffed. It is only now that we realize Locke (with Jack) is the last passenger on board, as he is clearly waiting for assistance in order to deplane. A makeshift wheelchair is brought on board and Locke is helped out of his seat. The (once again) defeated look on Locke’s face says all we need to know: he didn’t go on a walkabout in Australia. He lied to Boone. He’s still living a life of quiet desperation. This brings the first hour to an end, followed by a cut to…
 
13. The Burial Plans. Sawyer is carrying Juliet’s body and intends to bury her. He asks Miles to hang back with him to help, while Jack, Kate, Hurley, Jin and the nearly-dead Sayid make their way to the temple. We then move to…
 
14. The Missing Body. Nice cut, by the way, from one body (Juliet’s) to another (Christian’s). Jack is in LAX and receives a page over the intercom. He proceeds to the Oceanic help desk where he is informed that not only was his father’s coffin never put on the plane, but that the coffin is, well, missing altogether. Jack, shall we say, ain’t so pleased. And then it’s back to…

Click here for Part 2 of “LA X.”

Click here to read Part 1 of “LA X.”

15. The Hole in the Wall. Jack and company arrive at the base of the wall, the same spot where Montand was dragged below ground by Smokey (not before losing his arm, mind you). The team descends below, where a skeleton (Montand’s) rests against the wall. On it is a book (I didn’t catch the name, unfortunately, but could’ve sworn he had this book when last we saw him) and matches, which Kate uses to light a torch. Kate takes the lead and lights the way for the rest of the crew to move forward, only she goes a bit too far. (And by the way, Kate, awfully nice of you to proceed down the tunnel and let Jin and Jack try to maneuver a goddamn body on a stretcher around that huge fucking hole in the ground without any light!) Jack realizes Kate isn’t there any longer, and as he scurries through the tunnel he hears the whispers. Sure enough, he and the rest of his team are captured by a whole new gaggle of Others. From there we go to…
 
16. The Old “I Gotta’ Pee” Routine. Kate is being led through LAX but the special agent. Clearly working on a duplicitous plan, she convinces him to let her go to the bathroom. The agent gives her two minutes in the stall. Kate removes a pen from her pocket (the pen she pick-pocketed off Jack when she bumped into him falling out of the bathroom) and proceeds to unlock her cuffs. Well, she tries to unlock her cuffs. The spring from the pen lands at the foot of the stall, and the now suspect agent accidentally steps on it. He insists that she open the stall door, and after refusing Kate kicks it open, knocking the agent down before she beats the holy hell out of him. Kate makes her way out, still cuffed, and finds herself in an elevator with Sawyer. And speaking of Sawyer, we cut to…

17. Crossing Over. Sawyer and Miles have just finished burying Juliet, when Sawyer essentially demands that Miles communicate with her spirit. Miles insists it doesn’t work that way, but Sawyer, still fuming, won’t be deterred, and tackles Miles on top of the grave. Sawyer has to know the “very important” thing Juliet tried to tell him before dying. Miles does his nose crinkle thing and does, in fact, managed to communicate with Juliet, who simply “tells” Miles, “It worked.” This is pretty major, I’d say, if the “it” referred to is rebooting history as Jack and company intended. Essentially the ghost of Juliet has confirmed that they’ve managed to send Sawyer and company back to Oceanic 815, which seems crazy considering Miles and Sawyer are right there on the island. However, what if it works in the same way as Desmond “leaping” through his own timeline, populating different points of his own consciousness? What if, say, the souls/spirits of our heroes have actually managed to travel back to that flight, because what, after all, is a body? But we’ll get to that. First, we return to…

18. The Temple. Jack and company are led to the temple (again, none of them spotted this previously?!) where they are greeted by Cindy (zing!), a non-English speaking Asian man, and the dude who played Sol Star on Deadwood. The Asian man (who would appear to be the leader) orders Jack and crew to be shot, but Hurley pipes up and says that Jacob sent them. Still suspect, Hurley points to the guitar case, saying Jacob told him to bring it. The case is opened a la Pulp Fiction, only in this instance we actually get to see the contents: a large, wooden ankh. Something about it looks, well, kind of stupid, so I was glad to watch the man snap it in half and confirm my suspicion. Inside the ankh is a small sheet of paper, and this may have been my favorite “reveal” of the entire two-hour premiere, as the paper contained a list — the list — of names provided by Jacob way back in season 2, I believe. Sure enough, the list contained the names of Jack, Kate, Hurley, Sayid and Jin, thus making Sawyer and Miles’ “decision” to hang back and bury Juliet that much cooler, as they weren’t on the list. Did the writers incorporate this idea after the fact? Who cares! It was awesome, and I was glad to see it wasn’t just one more red herring. From there we go back to…

19. Customs. Jin and Sun are going through customs at LAX, and the security guard (who’s kind of a dick) wants Jin to explain the watch. Jin gives the man a letter, but because Jin (nor Sun, apparently) speak English, they can’t help themselves. The security guard then finds a large stack of money in Jin’s suitcase, and seeing as how he failed to declare this, Jin is taken into airport custody. Sun is questioned by a female security guard, who asks that she speak up if she knows any English in order to fix the situation. [UPDATE: Rewatching the episode, I noticed the custom agent calls Sun "Mrs. Paik" as opposed to "Mrs. Kwon," which is her correct last name. Is this a timeline riff, or has the agent made a mistake because the letter submitted by Jin was from Mr. Paik? Hmmm.] Sun responds with “No English,” which is fascinating, really, because in this timeline it would appear she really doesn’t speak English. That is, I’m pretty sure she wasn’t simply maintaining her cover in this case, as she clearly would have saved Jin’s hide, yes? Cut back to…

20. The Bath Spring. Jack and company are led inside the temple to what looks like some sort of aqueduct/”pool of life” type of thing. Sol Star points out that the water “isn’t clear.” The Asian man walks to the water and slices his hand open with a large knife. He plunges his bloody hand into the bath in an attempt to “heal” his wound, only he is still injured upon removing it. He orders Sayid to be stripped from his DHARMA jumpsuit, and he is carried into the water by some of the Others. Sayid is held face down in the water and the Asian man flips over an hourglass. As the sands begin to trickle out, Sayid clearly regains consciousness, his flailing arms and legs being forced under water as Jack and crew demand he be pulled out. Finally, after the sands have run out, Sayid is removed from the water, only it is too late. [UPDATE: When Sayid is removed from the spring, it is impossible to ignore the fact that his outstretched arms make him resemble Christ. Now, I've not bought into this whole "Jacob is inhabiting Sayid" thing, but still hard to ignore.] “Your friend is dead,” Sol Star informs them. Jack being Jack, he attempts to save Sayid via CPR, but is quickly pulled away by Kate who insists that Sayid’s gone. And just like that, no more Sayid. No more Sayid? Hmmm…. I’ve got to admit, this was a rather disturbing scene. For some reason drowning has always really bothered me; just hard to watch. Anyway, we return to…

21. The Getaway. Back at LAX, Kate is plodding away around the airport trying to find an escape. After watching a (careless) employee plug her numbers into a security panel, Kate follows suit and finds an exit out to the airport cab stands. She quickly tries to duck into a cab but is stopped by our pal Frogurt, who’s still super annoying and deserves yet another arrow to the chest. Kate gets in line behind Hurley, but quickly makes a break for it once the special agent spots her. She jumps into a cab and pulls a gun on the driver, who’s already got a fare. Oh, and that fare? Claire. Claire the Fare. Nice. And awesome. Back to…

22. Man Your Battlestations! Jack and crew sit around the bath/pool, shattered over Sayid. Cindy appears with Zach and Emma, the kids from season 1, who bring food to the Losties. Miles and an unconscious Sawyer are dragged in, as they’ve clearly been captured. Hurley is taken to the Asian man, who wants to know what Jacob told him. Additionally, he wants to know when Jacob is coming, only to be informed by Hurley that Jacob is dead. With this nose, all hell breaks loose and the Others go into mass defensive mode. A giant firework-like rocket is launched as a signal of sorts, and ash is spread all around the compound. Clearly news of Jacob’s death means Smokey has not only triumphed, but is en route. And speaking of Smokey, we cut to…

23. (F)Locke and Ben. Interesting, really, that you kind of get “flock” out of the Fake Locke nickname, no? Anyway, FLocke and Ben are inside the foot of the statue, where FLocke insists he didn’t make Ben do anything. In other words, Ben acted out of free will. FLocke tells Ben that when Ben strangled the real Locke, John was confused, and his last “pathetic” thought was, “I don’t understand.” FLocke depicts an awful image of Locke, calling him weak, pathetic, without purpose. But he does manage to call him admirable, in that Locke was the only one who didn’t want to leave the island, as he realized how pitiful his old life was. And then, in one of the great albeit telegraphed lines of the night, FLocke informs Ben that the great ironic difference between himself and Locke is that, “I want to go home.” This raises all sorts of questions. What is “home” for Smokey? The temple? Somewhere off-island? Somewhere mythical/biblical? Craziness. Back to…

24. Farewell. Hurley makes his peace with Sayid and says goodbye. Sure, this was a pretty brief, uninteresting interlude, except for one thing: did anyone else catch the look on Miles’ face? Clearly he sensed something from Sayid’s “ghost” here, which would suggest, then, that Sayid really was dead. But what, exactly, did it tell Miles? “See you soon?” Hmmm… From there we take one last trip to…

25. LAX. Jack is in the baggage claim area, on the phone with his mother explaining that his father’s coffin has gone missing. Wheelchair-bound Locke asks what Jack lost, and Jack explains about Oceanic losing his father. And in yet another great Locke line, John asks, “How could they know where he is? They didn’t lose your father, they just lost his body.” For a second I thought Jack might rear back and clock him, but then I realized something: this isn’t Jack. That is, maybe this isn’t the “Man of Science” we once knew, who would have been the Man of Science at this point. What’s more, what followed was even more telling. Jack asks about Locke’s paralysis, and explains that he’s a spinal surgeon. They then have this brief, albeit important exchange:

Locke: My condition’s irreversible.

Jack: Nothing’s irreversible.

This is important for two reasons. First, there’s the obvious connection to the fact that what we’ve been watching is, in fact, the reversal of history. That is, Jack has reversed the outcome of the Losties and is now living said reversal in this timeline. Second, there’s the notion I hinted at just moments ago, that in we realize Jack is, perhaps, not a Man of Science after all, and that Locke is not a Man of Faith. Look, Jack is saying that Locke’s “irreversible” paralysis is reversible. Is this “Jack the Hero” talking, the Jack with the God complex (ironically)? Or, is this a man who believes in, well, belief? Or, a third suggestion is whether or not the two are really inseparable. That is, Jack has “faith” in “science.” Jack believes he can heal John. Again, we just have to wonder what it is he’s truly relying on: his training as a surgeon or his faith in healing. And, of course, there’s Locke, who here is actually admitting to “what he can’t do,” a notion he has never accepted and a phrase he has uttered more than once on LOST (“Don’t tell me what I can’t do.”) Really, just an amazing exchange. Okay, back to…

26. The Beach. Both Ben and FLocke emerge from the foot, with guns trained on FLocke. Richard realizes what’s happening and instructs everyone not to shoot. FLocke approaches Richard and tells him, “It’s good to see you out of those chains,” before beating Richard unconscious. He scoops Richard up, puts him over his shoulder, tells those watching that he’s disappointed in them all, and marches off past the corpse of one John Locke. Not only was this pretty amazing, but FLocke’s line to Richard suggests (to me, anyway) that we’re going to learn Richard was not only on the Black Rock, but was on there as a prisoner/captive and not the captain I envisioned. Sure, this could be a stretch, but I can’t help but think those were the sorts of chains he was referring to. And by the way, nice to see the episode come full circle, in that the Losties needed the chains from the van to free Juliet. Nice touch. And, for the final jump, we return to…

27. Lazarus. Sol Star demands that Jack come with him to see the Asian man, or he will be dragged there by Sol’s henchmen. Jack puts up a fight, but before the skirmish can come to an end, Hurley gets Jack’s attention and the camera pans over to Sayid, who has risen from the dead. Zing! And although that was the final scene, I leave you with…

28. The Title. “LA X” not “LAX” can mean a couple different things, I suppose. For instance, the “X” could be an “X marks the spot type of reference.” Or, it could be an “X” that shows up a la Family Feud when someone guesses the wrong answer, thus indicating that the airport timeline is the “wrong” timeline. Or, as is typically the case in Algebra, “X” is the most common variable. And seeing as how the notion of variables and free will has become a rather dominant theme, it’s hard to ignore that brief, although unlikely connection.

Okay, folks. I am absolutely spent and have a shit-ton of real life work to do. I ask — no, demand – you leave comments here on my blog. What did you think of the episode? What did I miss? Agree with my takes? Disagree? The floor is yours.

Until next time, have at it, you vultures!

BD